Low energy? Hair loss? Trouble loosing the pounds? Low sexdrive? You might find your answer here!!!
*Note copied from Terry Tillaart....* By Mary Shomon
Top 10 Signs That You May Have a Thyroid Problem.
Nearly 30 Million People with An Undiagnosed Thyroid Condition
(Answers to Problems At The Bottom)
It's estimated that 59 million Americans have a thyroid problem, but the majority don't even know it yet.
The thyroid, a butterfly-shaped gland located in the neck, is the master gland of metabolism.
When your thyroid doesn't function, it can affect every aspect of your health,
and in particular, weight, depression and energy levels.
Since undiagnosed thyroid problems can dramatically increase your risk of obesity,
heart disease, depression, anxiety, hair loss, sexual dysfunction,
infertility and a host of other symptoms and health problems, it's important that you don't go undiagnosed.
You don't need to have all of these symptoms in order to have a thyroid problem, but here are some of the most common signs that you may have a thyroid condition:
10. Muscle and Joint Pains, Carpal Tunnel/Tendonitis Problems.
Aches and pains in your muscles and joints,
weakness in the arms and a tendency to develop carpal tunnel in the arms/hands and tarsal tunnel in the legs,
can all be symptoms of undiagnosed thyroid problems. (For more information)
9. Neck Discomfort/Enlargement.
A feeling of swelling in the neck, discomfort with turtlenecks or neckties,
a hoarse voice or a visibly enlarged thyroid can all be symptoms of thyroid disease.
To help find out if your thyroid may be enlarged, try a simple "Thyroid Neck Check" test at home.
8. Hair/Skin Changes.
Hair and skin are particularly vulnerable to thyroid conditions, and in particular,
hair loss is frequently associated with thyroid problems.
With hypothyroidism, hair frequently becomes brittle, coarse and dry,
while breaking off and falling out easily.
Skin can become coarse, thick, dry,and scaly.
In hypothyroidism, there is often an unusual loss of hair in the outer edge of the eyebrow.
With hyperthyroidism, severe hair loss can also occur, and skin can become fragile and thin.
7. Bowel Problems.
Severe or long-term constipation is frequently associated with hypothyroidism,
while diarrhea or irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) is associated with hyperthyroidism.
6. Menstrual Irregularities and Fertility Problems.
Heavier, more frequent and more painful periods are frequently associated with hypothyroidism,
and shorter, lighter or infrequent menstruation can be associated with hyperthyroidism.
Infertility can also be associated with undiagnosed thyroid conditions. (For More Information)
5. Family History.
If you have a family history of thyroid problems,
you are at a higher risk of having a thyroid condition yourself.
You may not always be aware of thyroid problems in your family,
though, because among older people, it is often referred to as "gland trouble" or "goiter."
So pay attention to any discussions of glandular conditions or goiter or weight gain due to "a glandular problem,"
as these may be indirect ways of referring to thyroid conditions.
4. Cholesterol Issues
High cholesterol, especially when it is not responsive to diet,
exercise or cholesterol-lowering medication, can be a sign of undiagnosed hypothyroidism.
Unusually low cholesterol levels may be a sign of hyperthyroidism.
3. Depression and Anxiety.
Depression or anxiety — including sudden onset of panic disorder — can be symptoms of thyroid disease.
Hypothyroidism is most typically associated with depression,
while hyperthyroidism is more commonly associated with anxiety or panic attacks.
Depression that does not respond to antidepressants may also be a sign of an undiagnosed thyroid disorder.
(For More Information)
2. Weight Changes.
You may be on a low-fat, low-calorie diet with a rigorous exercise program, but are failing to lose or gain any weight.
Or you may have joined a diet program or support group, such as Weight Watchers,
and you are the only one who isn't losing any weight.
Difficulty losing weight can be a sign of hypothyroidism.
You may be losing weight while eating the same amount of food as usual
— or even losing while eating more than normal.
Unexplained weight changes and issues can be signs of both hypothyroidism or hyperthyroidism.
(For More Information)
1. Fatigue.
Feeling exhausted when you wake up, feeling as if 8 or 10 hours of sleep
a night is insufficient or being unable to function all day without a nap can all be signs of thyroid problems.
(With hyperthyroidism, you may also have nighttime insomnia that leaves you exhausted during the day.)
(For More Information)
* Young Living's Thyromin is a fantastic formulation for Thyroid
support and I would highly highly recommend it!
*** If your hormones seem out of whack I would also highly recommend you add Endogize to the Thyromin, which is another really powerful regulator and balancer of hormones and stress response systems in the body and on of Dr. Debra Raybern,'s ND, MH, CNC, ICA favorites
http://www.youngliving.us/pdfs/PIP_EndoGize.pdf (more info found here)
"I have been taking Endogize, the new Young Living product, for about 2 weeks now and I have lost 7 pounds! I have been taking it 1 pill with breakfast lunch and dinner. I also have more energy and sleep better too." -------Sharon Raybern
** For women who's hormones feel out of balance I would suggest that you combine Progessence+ and deal with the hormones in a trio fashion.
P.S. Health Canada wants to keep a Pharma monopoly on hormone therapies so they have not yet approved these in Canada. Canadians can still get it, email me if you are interested.
P.S.S. Be patient! If you have a serious glandular problem it can take 240+ days to fully correct it and restore to balance. It took you decades to mess it up it can take a bit of time to fully correct it. That doesn't mean you won't experience any benefits before then but you should stay the course and fully balance everything.
Who are you??
1465 readers since september 30!
WHO ARE YOU???
Tell me! :)
Right now....In this moment...
I wish I had someone next to me.
And not just someone. The one.
But who is the one then?
I don't know who he is. Or do I?
He is the one I can be silent with.
Be in my own little quiet place, but still have the one there.
The one who takes care of me when I'm sick.
Kisses me in the forhead and holds my hand.
Wipes my tears when I'm sad and holds me at night.
But he makes me laugh. And we laugh together.
Being silly and having fun together, in the same time I want to explore.
Explore life, the world and I want to share as many memories as I can!
Life is suppose to be fun and loving. So what else is better?
Right now in this moment I wish I had that one next to me.
Playing me a song on a guitar while I'm laying in the bath and feel sick.
That would make me feel better. At least for my soul.
The one is out there somewhere. But I'm done searching.
I'm afraid. Afraid of being hurted again.
There you have it. My heart has been broken too many times!
I give up. I'm letting go, and see what comes to me this time.
I'm tired of making the first move / step all the time.
My soul is feeling sick. I think my soul is falling in love.
I don't know if I'm able to handle that at the moment.
I don't want to end up in that black hole again, so I won't let myself.
Not now, not yet.
But I'm staying positive anyway!
What if it ends up like I felt it did once before?
No.... It can't be.....I'm just nuts.
Well, anyway... I'm sick today as I said before!
First migrain in a loooooooong long long time.
No pills, just sleep, bath and throwin up. Nice!
You understand why I want a boyfriend at the moment huh?
Someone I can lay on the chest... and just snuggle...
Just be, here and now.
Feel the heartbeat. Feel the soft skin and smell.
Breath together and connect with eachother.
What ever you do, don't push me away, cuz when you do....
I will leave you in peace. And may not return.
I'm taking a step back. I'm afraid.
I can't.
Over and out
And not just someone. The one.
But who is the one then?
I don't know who he is. Or do I?
He is the one I can be silent with.
Be in my own little quiet place, but still have the one there.
The one who takes care of me when I'm sick.
Kisses me in the forhead and holds my hand.
Wipes my tears when I'm sad and holds me at night.
But he makes me laugh. And we laugh together.
Being silly and having fun together, in the same time I want to explore.
Explore life, the world and I want to share as many memories as I can!
Life is suppose to be fun and loving. So what else is better?
Right now in this moment I wish I had that one next to me.
Playing me a song on a guitar while I'm laying in the bath and feel sick.
That would make me feel better. At least for my soul.
The one is out there somewhere. But I'm done searching.
I'm afraid. Afraid of being hurted again.
There you have it. My heart has been broken too many times!
I give up. I'm letting go, and see what comes to me this time.
I'm tired of making the first move / step all the time.
My soul is feeling sick. I think my soul is falling in love.
I don't know if I'm able to handle that at the moment.
I don't want to end up in that black hole again, so I won't let myself.
Not now, not yet.
But I'm staying positive anyway!
What if it ends up like I felt it did once before?
No.... It can't be.....I'm just nuts.
Well, anyway... I'm sick today as I said before!
First migrain in a loooooooong long long time.
No pills, just sleep, bath and throwin up. Nice!
You understand why I want a boyfriend at the moment huh?
Someone I can lay on the chest... and just snuggle...
Just be, here and now.
Feel the heartbeat. Feel the soft skin and smell.
Breath together and connect with eachother.
What ever you do, don't push me away, cuz when you do....
I will leave you in peace. And may not return.
I'm taking a step back. I'm afraid.
I can't.
Over and out
OM!
You don't have think of the meaning to meditate on OM.
Just simply repeat OM. "OM, OM, OM, OM."
When you repeat OM you hear your own sound.
When you close your eyes and say, "OM, OM, OM, OM," you will be hearing your own sound, is it not?
So listen to that sound. Don't think of anything else.
If any other thought comes, bring the mind back.
Try to listen to OM. If I speak to you, you listen to me.
You hear my words, is it not so? In the same way, you can hear your own words.
The word here is OM. Say OM, OM, OM, OM. See? You can hear that, no?
That's good. That's enough. That is the best way to meditate on OM.
You don't have to worry about such things as, "What is it, why is it, how is it?"
You don't have to think about it. Just think of that sound.
Think of the sound that OM produces. Dwell on the sound of OM itself.
The sound is not different from God. What is God? God is sound.
The Bible says God is the Word. The Word is God. So God and Word are not different.
In the same way, God and OM are not different.
When you say, "OM, OM," God is talking to you, humming to you.
Listen to that. Like a baby listens to the music of the lullaby sung by its mother.
It listens to that and slowly goes to heaven.
In the same way, the mind will hear OM and slowly become absorbed into that.
You don't have to think about anything. Otherwise you are thinking, not meditating.
The best meditation is not to think of anything.
Yes, simply OM, OM, OM, OM, OM, OM, OM. If you like it, try it.
OM Shanti, Shanti, Shanti
It's never going to be like before....
It's snow in Malmö. And it's not even december yet! :)
It's alot and I enjoy it so much.
This is the first time in 2 years I see snow.
Since I live down town in Malmö city, the snow normally never stays that long.
It just turns to water and dirt. And that I hate.
But now... It's been snowing so much and it's here to stay.
I totally love it. It's really cold but I for the first time, enjoy it!
The only thing that would have been great now is a dog or a child to play with!
The little child in me wants to come out when there is snow.
Lucky me I have Joel to play with from time to time then.
There is alot of child in both of us, even if we can be adults.
I still have to say that he is an amazing person!
And I'm still really glad to have him in my life, and I enjoy every time I spend with him.
Since I lost and left many people in my life lately, this is the best about it.
Nothing is never going to be like before. No matter what.
People change, people go different ways, and we grow apart.
It's just to realize it and move on.
But I am very glad I have a good memory because the good memories I will carry on for ever!
And the fun I had with some people will stay.
I do miss many people in my life, but there is nothing I can do about it.
It's just sad. But no matter what - my heart will always remember!
And maybe in a next life we'll have more time together! :)
For the last couple of weeks it felt like I have a cat in my appartment.
I know I don't have a cat any longer, but I sometimes see a cat in the corner of my eyes.
And sometimes I get afraid that I almost gonna step on my cat...
(When there is pants or shoes on the floor for exemple)
It feels like it's my old cat Misha.
I decided to talk to Leif and hear if she is dead and he was 95 % sure that she was.
So maybe my baby have found her way home again to me?
Strangest thing is that I don't feel lonely in my appartment anymore!
I miss my baby.
I also talked about some Thailand memories yesterday.
In that moment, those moments I moved on,
it felt like someone took my heart out of my body and throwed it on the floor and stepped on it.
But then someone else took it up and putted it back in! ME!
Can I be able to go back there one day and finish my mission?
Story ain't over yet.
But if I go...
I'll go for Yoga teaching or volountair work or something like that!
There is no party on my map anymore.
It's alot and I enjoy it so much.
This is the first time in 2 years I see snow.
Since I live down town in Malmö city, the snow normally never stays that long.
It just turns to water and dirt. And that I hate.
But now... It's been snowing so much and it's here to stay.
I totally love it. It's really cold but I for the first time, enjoy it!
The only thing that would have been great now is a dog or a child to play with!
The little child in me wants to come out when there is snow.
Lucky me I have Joel to play with from time to time then.
There is alot of child in both of us, even if we can be adults.
I still have to say that he is an amazing person!
And I'm still really glad to have him in my life, and I enjoy every time I spend with him.
Since I lost and left many people in my life lately, this is the best about it.
Nothing is never going to be like before. No matter what.
People change, people go different ways, and we grow apart.
It's just to realize it and move on.
But I am very glad I have a good memory because the good memories I will carry on for ever!
And the fun I had with some people will stay.
I do miss many people in my life, but there is nothing I can do about it.
It's just sad. But no matter what - my heart will always remember!
And maybe in a next life we'll have more time together! :)
For the last couple of weeks it felt like I have a cat in my appartment.
I know I don't have a cat any longer, but I sometimes see a cat in the corner of my eyes.
And sometimes I get afraid that I almost gonna step on my cat...
(When there is pants or shoes on the floor for exemple)
It feels like it's my old cat Misha.
I decided to talk to Leif and hear if she is dead and he was 95 % sure that she was.
So maybe my baby have found her way home again to me?
Strangest thing is that I don't feel lonely in my appartment anymore!
I miss my baby.
I also talked about some Thailand memories yesterday.
In that moment, those moments I moved on,
it felt like someone took my heart out of my body and throwed it on the floor and stepped on it.
But then someone else took it up and putted it back in! ME!
Can I be able to go back there one day and finish my mission?
Story ain't over yet.
But if I go...
I'll go for Yoga teaching or volountair work or something like that!
There is no party on my map anymore.
The power of Ignorance
Ignorance is the problem for missundertanding.
If people didn't missunderstand each other, there would not be any problems.
No world wars etc.
You can ignore yourself and you can ignore others.
You can listen, but you may not be able to hear?
I (for a long time) thought I had a friend. I am not sure about that anymore.
But it's been like this for years.... and yeeeears now.
This friend is more lost then I thought,
but I explained myself to this friend now,
but I don't think this person understands really.
I will not lick someone else ass any more.
And I am not sad about it, it's not my choice.
I will always be here for this person when he/she needs me.
He/She will always stay in my heart no matter what happens.
But I exaust myself. And don't want that.
Yes, things has happened and some situations are weirder then it was before.
But I leave it behind. Don't blame me.
I will not waste my time or energy on someone who can not feel love.
Or with other words.... COMPASSION AND KINDNESS!
The one who can not tollerate compassion,
kindness or love is not the person I want to be around.
I know that it will take time for this person to understand and deal with the problems around.
I am still there, I have always been there for this friend.
But this person has never been there for himself or for others.
I don't even want to talk to the person at the moment.
Cuz I feel pain. Not in myself. The compassion.
Sadness in eyes, and I don't want to meet the contact
cuz those eyes who normally are full of life, are to me really empty.
And pretty lost.
But in other hand I am very very happy to have other loving, kind people around me.
With full of life. I appriciate those people alot.
That's what makes me happy.
I also have company for the VIPASSANA meditation retreat in march.
I never thought that there would be any one around me who actually would want to do this.
I only had 2 people on my mind who maybe could be interested.
This is the Vipassana retreat.
And even if we don't do it together,
cuz it's separte men/woman class and we are not able to speak for 10 days.
It's just nice to go there and do it with someone else.
It's not a game. This is for real, and not a joke!
I'm looking forward to it alot, it will just do me good.
This person that will join me, (or just join himself on this journey)
I wish that this person stays in my life for ever, and ever.
I was suprised to hear that I may have company. For real.
The people who suprise me the most, is the most precious ones!
Of course we are all precious, but you just have to notice it yourself.
There we have it... the power of ignorance... DON'T IGNORE your own power!
Don't be stupid when you can be smart.
Daniel said... The ones who don't can sometimes be called crazy!
Crazy it is. Be crazy. DON'T GO WITH THE FLOW. Go against it!
Live and let live.
We are all beautiful flowers on the field of life.
LOVE!
If people didn't missunderstand each other, there would not be any problems.
No world wars etc.
You can ignore yourself and you can ignore others.
You can listen, but you may not be able to hear?
I (for a long time) thought I had a friend. I am not sure about that anymore.
But it's been like this for years.... and yeeeears now.
This friend is more lost then I thought,
but I explained myself to this friend now,
but I don't think this person understands really.
I will not lick someone else ass any more.
And I am not sad about it, it's not my choice.
I will always be here for this person when he/she needs me.
He/She will always stay in my heart no matter what happens.
But I exaust myself. And don't want that.
Yes, things has happened and some situations are weirder then it was before.
But I leave it behind. Don't blame me.
I will not waste my time or energy on someone who can not feel love.
Or with other words.... COMPASSION AND KINDNESS!
The one who can not tollerate compassion,
kindness or love is not the person I want to be around.
I know that it will take time for this person to understand and deal with the problems around.
I am still there, I have always been there for this friend.
But this person has never been there for himself or for others.
I don't even want to talk to the person at the moment.
Cuz I feel pain. Not in myself. The compassion.
Sadness in eyes, and I don't want to meet the contact
cuz those eyes who normally are full of life, are to me really empty.
And pretty lost.
But in other hand I am very very happy to have other loving, kind people around me.
With full of life. I appriciate those people alot.
That's what makes me happy.
I also have company for the VIPASSANA meditation retreat in march.
I never thought that there would be any one around me who actually would want to do this.
I only had 2 people on my mind who maybe could be interested.
This is the Vipassana retreat.
And even if we don't do it together,
cuz it's separte men/woman class and we are not able to speak for 10 days.
It's just nice to go there and do it with someone else.
It's not a game. This is for real, and not a joke!
I'm looking forward to it alot, it will just do me good.
This person that will join me, (or just join himself on this journey)
I wish that this person stays in my life for ever, and ever.
I was suprised to hear that I may have company. For real.
The people who suprise me the most, is the most precious ones!
Of course we are all precious, but you just have to notice it yourself.
There we have it... the power of ignorance... DON'T IGNORE your own power!
Don't be stupid when you can be smart.
Daniel said... The ones who don't can sometimes be called crazy!
Crazy it is. Be crazy. DON'T GO WITH THE FLOW. Go against it!
Live and let live.
We are all beautiful flowers on the field of life.
LOVE!
Yogi tea for a Yogi
Many of you guys know that I am a big fan of tea.
But, I like coffee too. But I prefer tea.
This time a year I (as many others) am very low on energy.
Specially here in Sweden.
I am just so exausted all the time. I don't know if it's the weather?
So... To maintain the energy (even if you work out, do Yoga or do what ever)
you have to drink and eat proper food.
You can drown yourself in COFFEE.... That's what I do sometimes.
But I also feel that in long term, it's not helping.
You can also drink this magnificant YOGI WOMANS ENERGY tea!
It has so many flavours. I love it.
I have a whole shelf with just tea. But I think this is one of the best :)
The thing I love about the Yogi teas is that on every tea bag is a quote.
Today's quote was: "Act with compassion and kindness"
Now I enjoy my tea with 2 skagen mix sandwiches with salmon and eggs.
What a breakfast! I love it sometimes.
Now it's time for vitamin pills to maintain everything else in right order.
First morning Yoga class for a week. Felt great, like always.
Daniel is leaving to India on wednesday.
And we have a "semester" from 18/12 - 3/1 with the Yoga.
So I have to practise myself, go to A&C sportcenter meanwhile.
I also have to build up some muscles in my arms and hands,
now when I work with the massage. I notice it alot, specially in my thumbs!
And then save up some money for the next 3 monts Yoga.
Daniel promised me that it was okey with the payment, and I am very thankful for that.
I don't know how I would be able to survive without the Yoga at the moment.
It's LOVE for my soul. It's everything I need.
It's my medicine...
Now I will go to the library and study!
Smell ya later aligator.
To be close...or not be close...
When you can "just be" with someone and do nothing,
often means you can be relaxed with this person.
I (today) don't give a fuck about sex when it comes to being close to someone.
It means more to me, or at least it gives me more in long term.
And when it comes to LOVE, you can deffine LOVE into groups.
But in the end it's all the same, it's LOVE!
How you love a person, in what way.... bla bla bla...
But if you love a person, the only problem with love is that it can hurt.
So that's why so many people are afraid. Of course.
It makes sense. Right?
Today I believe that if I really love a person, this person can do almost what ever to me
and I will (of course be hurted) but I will forgive you, but never forget.
But I will not deffine in what way I love the person. If I love someone, they will know.
And I know they do. I don't even have to tell them...
After 2 big rollercoaster rides in a short time, things will not effect me that strong.
Because some stuff isn't bad at all when it comes to comparing wiht other things.
I know if things are right or wrong now. Before I didn't.
A friend of mine asked me today if I had the need of being close to people.
No, I have no need but I like it. It goes up and down.
I like to touch people today and I like to be close,
give hugs, snuggle, or just lay on someones shoulder or what ever.
That's who I am today... I wasn't like that before.
Also maybe because the people I had around me never wanted it.
And then after traveling, people are just so much more polite and kind then here.
I now see why I didn't like Sweden.
Because people analyze too much then just "BE" in the moment and relax.
Earlier I had a hard time for people that touched me and to touch others.
But in the long term I only see good things with this.
It's called love.
And I fear nothing, so I should not fear others, I will give love.
And to give is better then to get!
I also have the perfect job for this now.
This is something I need to deal with even if I don't want to touch someone else.
It's perfect! And you know what? It isn't so bad after all....
But I really really like those moments when you really WANT to
massage or touch someone without me being asked for it.
Those moments are better then the others.
THERAPY FOR MY OWN SOUL!
I also have to say that I finished my first test in school with 93 % right!
I am really satisfied with myself and the results.
Because when it comes to my "studying and focus" I can be out of control sometimes.
In school, back in the days when I was younger I had no concentration at all.
I had a private lesson with Anette on a Vinyasa Yoga class today.
There were no one else then me there...
Weird from the beginning to sit and shant together, and no one else there but I liked it.
And she almost killed me, I was so exausted afterwards.
often means you can be relaxed with this person.
I (today) don't give a fuck about sex when it comes to being close to someone.
It means more to me, or at least it gives me more in long term.
And when it comes to LOVE, you can deffine LOVE into groups.
But in the end it's all the same, it's LOVE!
How you love a person, in what way.... bla bla bla...
But if you love a person, the only problem with love is that it can hurt.
So that's why so many people are afraid. Of course.
It makes sense. Right?
Today I believe that if I really love a person, this person can do almost what ever to me
and I will (of course be hurted) but I will forgive you, but never forget.
But I will not deffine in what way I love the person. If I love someone, they will know.
And I know they do. I don't even have to tell them...
After 2 big rollercoaster rides in a short time, things will not effect me that strong.
Because some stuff isn't bad at all when it comes to comparing wiht other things.
I know if things are right or wrong now. Before I didn't.
A friend of mine asked me today if I had the need of being close to people.
No, I have no need but I like it. It goes up and down.
I like to touch people today and I like to be close,
give hugs, snuggle, or just lay on someones shoulder or what ever.
That's who I am today... I wasn't like that before.
Also maybe because the people I had around me never wanted it.
And then after traveling, people are just so much more polite and kind then here.
I now see why I didn't like Sweden.
Because people analyze too much then just "BE" in the moment and relax.
Earlier I had a hard time for people that touched me and to touch others.
But in the long term I only see good things with this.
It's called love.
And I fear nothing, so I should not fear others, I will give love.
And to give is better then to get!
I also have the perfect job for this now.
This is something I need to deal with even if I don't want to touch someone else.
It's perfect! And you know what? It isn't so bad after all....
But I really really like those moments when you really WANT to
massage or touch someone without me being asked for it.
Those moments are better then the others.
THERAPY FOR MY OWN SOUL!
I also have to say that I finished my first test in school with 93 % right!
I am really satisfied with myself and the results.
Because when it comes to my "studying and focus" I can be out of control sometimes.
In school, back in the days when I was younger I had no concentration at all.
I had a private lesson with Anette on a Vinyasa Yoga class today.
There were no one else then me there...
Weird from the beginning to sit and shant together, and no one else there but I liked it.
And she almost killed me, I was so exausted afterwards.
I'm happy....
Because Annica gave me a pair of jeans when I moved out.
And they fit proper now. Size 28.
I can't imagine today that I've been a size 33!
But I liked my ass anyway. And my boobs too!
Yesterday I went for a coffee in town with my "wife".
Imagine when you are poor and can't go for "fika" in town for a long while.
Then suddenly the "fika moments" are precious and nice!
And go into town as well....
She went with me to get lenses.
Yes, I can't hide my beautiful eyes anymore! :)
I need more options. Mix between glases and lenses.
And the woman inside the store was very very kind and nice so of course I bought from her.
I sure do like nice and positive people!
It was very nice to spend a little bit of time with Annica yesterday.
And then go for sushi, meet up Jenny for a while.
And then go to Espresso House and meet "naked Johan" as we call him.
Then I moved on to meet Lina.
Lina and her friend Jenny made some dinner.
And I was right on time. Reeeeeally yummy :)
She is a nice and wonderful girl.
And something that hitted me is that she is a very strong girl.
I like that. Maybe that's why I've been "afraid" of her earlier in life...
Now I just see it as something very powerful and good.
So, Lina if you read this - you know that I've always liked you! :)
Tonight I will go to a medium called Benny Rosenqvist with my mum.
That's a long story, I will tell it in another blog post.
I don't know what's waiting tonight, we'll see.
It's going to be very interesting anyway.
C YA'LL!!
And they fit proper now. Size 28.
I can't imagine today that I've been a size 33!
But I liked my ass anyway. And my boobs too!
Yesterday I went for a coffee in town with my "wife".
Imagine when you are poor and can't go for "fika" in town for a long while.
Then suddenly the "fika moments" are precious and nice!
And go into town as well....
She went with me to get lenses.
Yes, I can't hide my beautiful eyes anymore! :)
I need more options. Mix between glases and lenses.
And the woman inside the store was very very kind and nice so of course I bought from her.
I sure do like nice and positive people!
It was very nice to spend a little bit of time with Annica yesterday.
And then go for sushi, meet up Jenny for a while.
And then go to Espresso House and meet "naked Johan" as we call him.
Then I moved on to meet Lina.
Lina and her friend Jenny made some dinner.
And I was right on time. Reeeeeally yummy :)
She is a nice and wonderful girl.
And something that hitted me is that she is a very strong girl.
I like that. Maybe that's why I've been "afraid" of her earlier in life...
Now I just see it as something very powerful and good.
So, Lina if you read this - you know that I've always liked you! :)
Tonight I will go to a medium called Benny Rosenqvist with my mum.
That's a long story, I will tell it in another blog post.
I don't know what's waiting tonight, we'll see.
It's going to be very interesting anyway.
C YA'LL!!
I FINISHED MY TAPAS!!!
First of all I have to say that I finished my "tapas".
I decided to do a tapas for myself.
BE SOBER FOR 3 MONTHS!
And this monday I finished it.
It ment alot for myself since I haven't been sober for that long in years!
And today I don't even want to drink.
(Except from taking a glas of wine with nice company)
A tapas when it comes to Yoga is when you make yourself a promise to hold!
Like stop smoking, eat chocolate, drink alcohol or what ever it is....
Small steps or big steps, depends what ever you like.
I've been writing about this before in my blog.
Read about it here ---------------------- TAPAS!!!
And seriously, READ IT! It's pretty interesting if you haven't allready!
And it works very well because my willpower is getting better and better.
I just have to learn how to say no more often now.
And now I need another tapas to do.
I just have to figure out what to do for myself.
Another thing I have to say is
"SHE IS BAAACK IN BUSINESS" Mouhahahaha...
Couple of days ago I woke up from a dream.
A dream who wasn't the same as my "normal boogeyman dreams".
In this dream I had the power.
It was a part of the "good old Lee".
Like finding "the glow" in myself again. The little little little missing piece.
The good part of me who disapaired in Mexico somewhere.
The power I once had, but lost on the way. (When I started to be too nice)
When I woke up, that part of me was back.
And I feel strong again. Now it's my turn to turn things around again!
I don't like to lick someone elses asses, they should lick mine now.
*Evil laugh* Mouhahahahahahahahahaha....
The same day Malin asks me:
"You look different. Have you done something?
You are so pretty today, and you look so cute without make up."
"Well, thank you....blushing.... Yeah, I know what it is... I found the fire in myself again."
And she said... "Yes, I can tell it in your eyes. I like it!"
It feels pretty awesome and I like everything right now!
I'm such a good exemple that my mood goes up & down.
Why should I climb down the ladder when I can climb up?
Why sit here and whine about myself when people can have it so much worse then me?
And after the Yoga that morning, Daniel had some wise words of course.
And those wise words touched me alot that day!
Awakening! I seriously think I woke up!
To be around the sort of people who are awake, is good.
To be around the sort of people who are living
a life drunk or high for exemple, isn't the best maybe.
You easily can tell the different which one who gives you more energy!
Or just positivty.
I'm pretty satisfied with the sort of people I have around me today.
They are not many, but many of them I have a special relation with.
I know the once who can bring me up & down today.
One of them who can bring me up & down very easy, I told recently.
In response he said: Well... that's just good. That is really good.
Experience it and go into the feeling and try to figure out why and how.
The only one who can help you with that feeling, and what to do about it is yourself.
And I know he is right.
A while ago, I would be mad at him not being there for me.
But how can he, when I'm not there for myself in those moments?
And if I would be there for myself, I would not need him to be there.
Does this make sence?
But these type of things makes me think alot.
And I'm glad that I still have him in my life.
And all the others as well.
Time for bed. Ta ta! :D
No more boogey man!! WOHOOOO
The naked chef...
I cuddle myself down in the sofa, throw of my clothes and
turn off all the light and get ready for bed.
Yes, sometimes it's just so nice to sleep there....
then my own bed, which is so big and empty.
I watch a movie on Tv. And just when I'm about to pass out.
I open my eyes and you know that feeling after having sex, when you want to smoke a cigarette?
That one I had but with food.
So I get into the kitchen, really hungry.
FUNGRY (fucking hungry)
You find this weird? Well... I'm not normal!
Since I don't eat so much meat today as I did before,
I just wanted to eat the bacon I bought for tomorrows pasta carbonara I was suppose to make.
So there I was... Naked... In the kitchen... making bacon and eggs late at night.
And the milk. Ohh milk... I love milk.
Then the naked chef goes to bed again. Full.
And in front of the computer and Tv for a little while again.
Good night <3
turn off all the light and get ready for bed.
Yes, sometimes it's just so nice to sleep there....
then my own bed, which is so big and empty.
I watch a movie on Tv. And just when I'm about to pass out.
I open my eyes and you know that feeling after having sex, when you want to smoke a cigarette?
That one I had but with food.
So I get into the kitchen, really hungry.
FUNGRY (fucking hungry)
You find this weird? Well... I'm not normal!
Since I don't eat so much meat today as I did before,
I just wanted to eat the bacon I bought for tomorrows pasta carbonara I was suppose to make.
So there I was... Naked... In the kitchen... making bacon and eggs late at night.
And the milk. Ohh milk... I love milk.
Then the naked chef goes to bed again. Full.
And in front of the computer and Tv for a little while again.
Good night <3
Tolkningar
Hur man tolkar saker på rätt sätt.
Ja, hur ska man tolka saker på rätt sätt egentligen?
Och hur vet man på vilket sätt det tolkas på av andra?
Man kan tolka saker positivt, negativt och rent av blankt.
Så ska man öppna sin mun från första början?
Nä, jag har fått erfara att man hädan efter inte ska göra detta.
Jag har fått stå mina kast ang. detta, men har alltid varit en person som tänkt det bästa om alla.
Att saker som jag sagt (som kanske inte varit det smartaste)
har jag alltid trott att folk förstår för att dom e smartare än så och känner mig.
Men ibland är folk inte så smarta och djupa som man hoppats på, och folk inte känner mig över huvudtaget.
För alla människor är olika och alla tolkar saker på olika sätt.
Sen måste man verkligen verkligen tänka först, vilket jag kanske inte alltid har gjort förut.
Men det är något jag utvecklar hela tiden.
Och allt händer av en anledning.
Jag ska bara ta vara på hela processen när det gäller det mesta.
För allt har betydelse. Men jag är glad över att jag fått ut allt och fått må som jag gjort.
Och givetvis är jag oerhört tacksam för de få människor jag har kvar i mitt liv.
Som verkligen är där för en när man behöver det som mest.
Hädan efter så behåller jag mina hemligheter för mig själv.
Och väljer verkligen vem jag ska prata med och inte prata med.
Och på vilket sätt jag ska prata, hur om vad.
Det finns mycket som kan tolkas fel i många lägen.
Vilket egentligen gör mig ganska ledsen, då jag vill se det bästa hos alla.
Men jag ligger lågt...
Goodnight everyone.
I'm gonna go to the doctor tomorrow I hope.
I found some weird lump on my neck yesterday.... :(
Wish me guuuuud luck!
Ja, hur ska man tolka saker på rätt sätt egentligen?
Och hur vet man på vilket sätt det tolkas på av andra?
Man kan tolka saker positivt, negativt och rent av blankt.
Så ska man öppna sin mun från första början?
Nä, jag har fått erfara att man hädan efter inte ska göra detta.
Jag har fått stå mina kast ang. detta, men har alltid varit en person som tänkt det bästa om alla.
Att saker som jag sagt (som kanske inte varit det smartaste)
har jag alltid trott att folk förstår för att dom e smartare än så och känner mig.
Men ibland är folk inte så smarta och djupa som man hoppats på, och folk inte känner mig över huvudtaget.
För alla människor är olika och alla tolkar saker på olika sätt.
Sen måste man verkligen verkligen tänka först, vilket jag kanske inte alltid har gjort förut.
Men det är något jag utvecklar hela tiden.
Och allt händer av en anledning.
Jag ska bara ta vara på hela processen när det gäller det mesta.
För allt har betydelse. Men jag är glad över att jag fått ut allt och fått må som jag gjort.
Och givetvis är jag oerhört tacksam för de få människor jag har kvar i mitt liv.
Som verkligen är där för en när man behöver det som mest.
Hädan efter så behåller jag mina hemligheter för mig själv.
Och väljer verkligen vem jag ska prata med och inte prata med.
Och på vilket sätt jag ska prata, hur om vad.
Det finns mycket som kan tolkas fel i många lägen.
Vilket egentligen gör mig ganska ledsen, då jag vill se det bästa hos alla.
Men jag ligger lågt...
Goodnight everyone.
I'm gonna go to the doctor tomorrow I hope.
I found some weird lump on my neck yesterday.... :(
Wish me guuuuud luck!
Penis Penis Penis!!
I want to go to a penis café! What a nice café it would be....
I like the Penis café! HAHAHAHA!!
And after being with Joel a day,
all you end up saying the end of the night is massive, awesomeness, penis and pussy.
Awesome penis!
Late august this year I found myself a new big brother Joel!
Wonderful wonderful man! <3
And I'm very glad I've found him cuz he brings good energy to Lee Lee!
And the rest doesn't matter at all!
Dreams....
Tonight I had a dream about the freaking boogey man again.
If it was a bad dream or not, I can't tell.
But I woke up with an uncomfertable feeling in my stumache.
He never leaves me. He is stuck in my dreams.
Well, anyway... In my dream he was here, in my home town.
It was all the same, like the "old days".
But the feeling I had when we left each other wasn't the best, and that's the one I still have.
Which isn't good. I saw him around in town with new woman everywhere all the time, on the phone etc.
Trying to be something he is not.
That's not something I liked because that's not the one I want to remember.
I want to remember the real one. Not the fake one.
But somtimes people feel lost and afraid and they build up a wall.
Ask me, I've done it many times.
In my dream I was afraid of walking down the street and see him.
In the same time I was happy to see him.
He is not alone. No matter how lonely he feels.
He will always be in my heart, no matter what.
By that, I mean the real one.
The one who can cry, the one who can open up and the one who is strong.
The one who let go of the ego and could be caring.
I don't even know if this person is alive, more then in my dreams anymore.
Do something. Wake up.
Then I realized it was just a dream. Puuuhh...
No more boogey mans pls!
If it was a bad dream or not, I can't tell.
But I woke up with an uncomfertable feeling in my stumache.
He never leaves me. He is stuck in my dreams.
Well, anyway... In my dream he was here, in my home town.
It was all the same, like the "old days".
But the feeling I had when we left each other wasn't the best, and that's the one I still have.
Which isn't good. I saw him around in town with new woman everywhere all the time, on the phone etc.
Trying to be something he is not.
That's not something I liked because that's not the one I want to remember.
I want to remember the real one. Not the fake one.
But somtimes people feel lost and afraid and they build up a wall.
Ask me, I've done it many times.
In my dream I was afraid of walking down the street and see him.
In the same time I was happy to see him.
He is not alone. No matter how lonely he feels.
He will always be in my heart, no matter what.
By that, I mean the real one.
The one who can cry, the one who can open up and the one who is strong.
The one who let go of the ego and could be caring.
I don't even know if this person is alive, more then in my dreams anymore.
Do something. Wake up.
Then I realized it was just a dream. Puuuhh...
No more boogey mans pls!
I hate to break it to you....
But I've been thinking....
And I've realized that those kind of people I look up to the most in my life is the strong people.
Mentally strong.
Should I say SMART people?
The kind of people who have their own thoughts and own personality.
People with selfcontrol, respect, opinions, pureness and honesty.
And the most important of all.... Love.
Of course, being a bit retarded is always on my good list too.
This is pure awesomeness with other words.
And the kind of people who doesn't NEED any substances to be themselves.
(Then they are not themselves)
That's what I respect the most out of a friendship.
The kind of people I feel most relaxed with and I can just be.
Just be myself without someone judging me, being boring or what ever.
I want to thank those people in my life for just being themselves.
Specially if they make me happy when I'm down and make me smile just a bit extra.
Sometimes I don't even have to do anything specially with those kind of people in my life.
Just to be around this person is enough for me. Close to them.
Weak people can drag me down easily.
Without me knowing it myself most of the time.
Since I've been lost before, it's easy to loose myself again.
But I promised myself not to this time.
It's just pretty sad that some people in my life can effect me very very strong.
And some of those people are close and sometimes the effect isn't the best, which is sad.
This is everything from me tonight.
Time for bed. Thank you all strong people, for being there!
Peace & Love <3 to ya'll
And I've realized that those kind of people I look up to the most in my life is the strong people.
Mentally strong.
Should I say SMART people?
The kind of people who have their own thoughts and own personality.
People with selfcontrol, respect, opinions, pureness and honesty.
And the most important of all.... Love.
Of course, being a bit retarded is always on my good list too.
This is pure awesomeness with other words.
And the kind of people who doesn't NEED any substances to be themselves.
(Then they are not themselves)
That's what I respect the most out of a friendship.
The kind of people I feel most relaxed with and I can just be.
Just be myself without someone judging me, being boring or what ever.
I want to thank those people in my life for just being themselves.
Specially if they make me happy when I'm down and make me smile just a bit extra.
Sometimes I don't even have to do anything specially with those kind of people in my life.
Just to be around this person is enough for me. Close to them.
Weak people can drag me down easily.
Without me knowing it myself most of the time.
Since I've been lost before, it's easy to loose myself again.
But I promised myself not to this time.
It's just pretty sad that some people in my life can effect me very very strong.
And some of those people are close and sometimes the effect isn't the best, which is sad.
This is everything from me tonight.
Time for bed. Thank you all strong people, for being there!
Peace & Love <3 to ya'll
Freaking Awesome!
For those who haven't seen this before - See it!
It's awesome! Impressive and cool too :)
Well, it's friday and not a singel shit to do.
I have putted on Buena Vista Social Club,
so I will dance salsa for a while now until I find out what to do.
Costumer tomorrow morning!
Have a great night everyone and a good weekend!
"When I was young...."
I want to do alot of stuff. I have a goal.
I have many goals. Maybe too many?
I want to attract the happier people. And who are they...??
Well, we have children and animals as I've said earlier.
And then we have the elders. The Oldies, but the goldies!
Well, not all of them are happy but many of them are.
They turn so old and realize that they have not so much left to loose,
so why be sad or negative? I think they have experienced it all in life.
Don't worry be happy as they say!
How fun wouldn't it be to sit and listen to their stories all day long?
The "WHEN I WAS YOUNG" talk.
Listen to stories and learn more about life and listen to what they have been through.
I think my grand daddy would have alot of stories if he were alive today.
I also have to say that I am really happy to have
such good feedback when it comes to support.
The kind of support you need when you are down and feel small.
Like a little drop of water in the ocean.
Imagine how much a comment from a total stranger can do to you.
Who ever you are, I am greatful and thankful for your words.
It means alot to me. And what you say is true.
Actually, all of this I know but I just loose it sometimes when I have a bad day.
But I let it come to me, I explore it and feel it.
Alot of love to you "stranger".
"Jag känner inte dig, men har halkat in på din blogg sedan några månader tillbaka.
kan inte sluta följa dig i livet.kanske för att jag känner igen mig i dig.
Jag vet inte vad du gått igenom i livet men jag förstår att det inte varit lätt att ta sig dit där du är!
Visst är det så jävla jobbigt när känslor och minnen från förr kommer tillbaks.
eller när man blir så där osäker och liten. Se på dig själv!
du är stark!!jag är övertygad om att Alla ser dig som stark det syns i dina ögon!
Kanske blir människor rädda för att de är så svaga osäkra själva när de träffar dig.
Se var du är nu, vart du kommit!!! allt i från viktern till lägenhet utbildning.
Du har säkert ett mål ;) Jag tror att du vet själv att du kommer att lyckas och ta dig dit!
Vägen dit är aldrig spik rak, man hamnar i svackor och möts av nya utmaningar hela tiden,
men jag vet att du kommer att lyckas!!
Låt inte andras svagheter eller osäkerhet påvärka din lycka och dit välbefinnande!
Du vet att du är stark Lee :) Kram från mig"
2010-11-10 @ 18:31:18
Also from Tommy: "Du klarar dig Lee, du är fasen den hårdaste jag vet! Kram kram"
And Hans:" Du Lee! Det är en styrka att kunna visa att man är svag! Kram!
Det jag ser här är att du har MASSOR av vänner Lee.
Från hela världen! Du måste stanna upp o känna all värme du får från alla!"
And of course this is not all. I'm glad I have friends.
I am greatful to at least hear / read things like this. It gives me good energy and hope.
But I still have to say "ENSAM ÄR STARK" (Alone is strong)
I'm still in no need of more friends cuz I still don't want to hurt or be hurted.
I have myself in focus.
I will take a step back from now on and if they who calls themself my friend,
really want to be my friend, they have to show it to me.
Because I trust no one.
So, back to the work talk instead...
What do I do later? First of all, I have to finish my study as a masseuse.
I've allready got costumers. And all of them have been really satisfied!
That makes me really happy too! :)
Sabina just talked her boss over and probably I will get more them 20 new costumers!
This is freaking nice, cuz this is just what I need at the moment. - CASH!
I have my first test next weekend.
Not big, but the word TEST frightens me alot.
And then? When I've got the economy again....
Yoga teacher in India, Thailand or Israel.
India is the goal. Thai massage would be nice to learn as well.
Talking about Thailand....
My package have arrived from Thailand now. I hope to pick it up in the weekend.
I can't even remember what it was in it, that I'd send home. Crazy!
(I sendt it in february haha)
I went for the Yoga this morning, first morning class in a while.
Felt good to be on Daniels class again,
but I was also satisfied with the Vinyasa on the afternoon. (More asanas and exercise)
Today I'm stronger then I were yesterday, but sometimes it all just comes at once.
Like a bomb! Bang Bang!
And those days when you feel like a drop
in the ocean can change and suddenly you ARE the ocean!
I just have to work to find the balance. Yes yes, I know - more Yoga and meditation.
I also have to say that I suck at taking pictures.
I'm just way to lazy. and maybe a boring blog without picture, I know...
Or is it ust me who likes to look at pictures? :P
I have many goals. Maybe too many?
I want to attract the happier people. And who are they...??
Well, we have children and animals as I've said earlier.
And then we have the elders. The Oldies, but the goldies!
Well, not all of them are happy but many of them are.
They turn so old and realize that they have not so much left to loose,
so why be sad or negative? I think they have experienced it all in life.
Don't worry be happy as they say!
How fun wouldn't it be to sit and listen to their stories all day long?
The "WHEN I WAS YOUNG" talk.
Listen to stories and learn more about life and listen to what they have been through.
I think my grand daddy would have alot of stories if he were alive today.
I also have to say that I am really happy to have
such good feedback when it comes to support.
The kind of support you need when you are down and feel small.
Like a little drop of water in the ocean.
Imagine how much a comment from a total stranger can do to you.
Who ever you are, I am greatful and thankful for your words.
It means alot to me. And what you say is true.
Actually, all of this I know but I just loose it sometimes when I have a bad day.
But I let it come to me, I explore it and feel it.
Alot of love to you "stranger".
"Jag känner inte dig, men har halkat in på din blogg sedan några månader tillbaka.
kan inte sluta följa dig i livet.kanske för att jag känner igen mig i dig.
Jag vet inte vad du gått igenom i livet men jag förstår att det inte varit lätt att ta sig dit där du är!
Visst är det så jävla jobbigt när känslor och minnen från förr kommer tillbaks.
eller när man blir så där osäker och liten. Se på dig själv!
du är stark!!jag är övertygad om att Alla ser dig som stark det syns i dina ögon!
Kanske blir människor rädda för att de är så svaga osäkra själva när de träffar dig.
Se var du är nu, vart du kommit!!! allt i från viktern till lägenhet utbildning.
Du har säkert ett mål ;) Jag tror att du vet själv att du kommer att lyckas och ta dig dit!
Vägen dit är aldrig spik rak, man hamnar i svackor och möts av nya utmaningar hela tiden,
men jag vet att du kommer att lyckas!!
Låt inte andras svagheter eller osäkerhet påvärka din lycka och dit välbefinnande!
Du vet att du är stark Lee :) Kram från mig"
2010-11-10 @ 18:31:18
Also from Tommy: "Du klarar dig Lee, du är fasen den hårdaste jag vet! Kram kram"
And Hans:" Du Lee! Det är en styrka att kunna visa att man är svag! Kram!
Det jag ser här är att du har MASSOR av vänner Lee.
Från hela världen! Du måste stanna upp o känna all värme du får från alla!"
And of course this is not all. I'm glad I have friends.
I am greatful to at least hear / read things like this. It gives me good energy and hope.
But I still have to say "ENSAM ÄR STARK" (Alone is strong)
I'm still in no need of more friends cuz I still don't want to hurt or be hurted.
I have myself in focus.
I will take a step back from now on and if they who calls themself my friend,
really want to be my friend, they have to show it to me.
Because I trust no one.
So, back to the work talk instead...
What do I do later? First of all, I have to finish my study as a masseuse.
I've allready got costumers. And all of them have been really satisfied!
That makes me really happy too! :)
Sabina just talked her boss over and probably I will get more them 20 new costumers!
This is freaking nice, cuz this is just what I need at the moment. - CASH!
I have my first test next weekend.
Not big, but the word TEST frightens me alot.
And then? When I've got the economy again....
Yoga teacher in India, Thailand or Israel.
India is the goal. Thai massage would be nice to learn as well.
Talking about Thailand....
My package have arrived from Thailand now. I hope to pick it up in the weekend.
I can't even remember what it was in it, that I'd send home. Crazy!
(I sendt it in february haha)
I went for the Yoga this morning, first morning class in a while.
Felt good to be on Daniels class again,
but I was also satisfied with the Vinyasa on the afternoon. (More asanas and exercise)
Today I'm stronger then I were yesterday, but sometimes it all just comes at once.
Like a bomb! Bang Bang!
And those days when you feel like a drop
in the ocean can change and suddenly you ARE the ocean!
I just have to work to find the balance. Yes yes, I know - more Yoga and meditation.
I also have to say that I suck at taking pictures.
I'm just way to lazy. and maybe a boring blog without picture, I know...
Or is it ust me who likes to look at pictures? :P
I wish I was Awesome!
Of course I know I'm awesome, but as awesome as this....
Not a chance, but daaaaaaaaamn.
This is really awesome!
I'm impressed!
I have to do something about this.
Learn extreme Yoga moves maybe haha... ;)
Not a chance, but daaaaaaaaamn.
This is really awesome!
I'm impressed!
I have to do something about this.
Learn extreme Yoga moves maybe haha... ;)
I'm so tired of this shit....
My rollercoaster ride have started again.
Right now it's just down hill. Maybe tomorrow it's up hill again.
Who knows.
I feel compassion. I do.
No matter how much I have hurted people in my life and how ego I've been.
I am sorry. But sometimes sorry isn't enough.
I've been in both situations and I've paid my price many times....
Maybe I should just stop seing people and be completely alone?
Cuz what ever I do, and when ever I do it, everything is just wrong.
Even if it's right, it just turns out to be wrong. Every time.
It just ends up me hurting someone or being hurted.
I can't do it anymore.
I give up. I leave everyone. I don't want this anymore.
The only thing I have in my life that makes me happy is Yoga.
That's the only thing I can trust.
It's the only thing I won't give up, and myself.
And the second thing is children and animals.
Because they feel love and compassion different like grown ups do.
They don't know that we are living in a cruel world and they don't know what's waiting. Yet.
I don't even want to live in a world like this, where there is no one that understands me.
And to be the girl who always stands next to someone else when they feel bad, fall apart.
Who is there to catch her when she falls?
She falls down into the ground, splattered in pieces.
When she finally stood up on her own again.
I trust no one, but myself and my beliefs.
One thing is for sure.
Life is not so fucking easy, and it's not suppose to be either.
In this moment, I wish I had someone who were there. Who understood me.
I have signed up for a 10 days Vipassana course in Ödeshög and I'm looking forward to be there alot.
Don't talk to anyone during the 10 days, or do anything else then just be there in that moment.
And of course do meditation for 10 days straight.
I am in no need of more friends.
The people I care about just leave me or I leave them.
This is the time when I want to run.
But I can run, but I cannot hide.
Sooner or later, the problems comes back to me.
And I was so happy to be problem free, oh I was so wrong.
I try to back myself up now. It's my time now.
So everyone else - back the fuck off.
Right now it's just down hill. Maybe tomorrow it's up hill again.
Who knows.
I feel compassion. I do.
No matter how much I have hurted people in my life and how ego I've been.
I am sorry. But sometimes sorry isn't enough.
I've been in both situations and I've paid my price many times....
Maybe I should just stop seing people and be completely alone?
Cuz what ever I do, and when ever I do it, everything is just wrong.
Even if it's right, it just turns out to be wrong. Every time.
It just ends up me hurting someone or being hurted.
I can't do it anymore.
I give up. I leave everyone. I don't want this anymore.
The only thing I have in my life that makes me happy is Yoga.
That's the only thing I can trust.
It's the only thing I won't give up, and myself.
And the second thing is children and animals.
Because they feel love and compassion different like grown ups do.
They don't know that we are living in a cruel world and they don't know what's waiting. Yet.
I don't even want to live in a world like this, where there is no one that understands me.
And to be the girl who always stands next to someone else when they feel bad, fall apart.
Who is there to catch her when she falls?
She falls down into the ground, splattered in pieces.
When she finally stood up on her own again.
I trust no one, but myself and my beliefs.
One thing is for sure.
Life is not so fucking easy, and it's not suppose to be either.
In this moment, I wish I had someone who were there. Who understood me.
I have signed up for a 10 days Vipassana course in Ödeshög and I'm looking forward to be there alot.
Don't talk to anyone during the 10 days, or do anything else then just be there in that moment.
And of course do meditation for 10 days straight.
I am in no need of more friends.
The people I care about just leave me or I leave them.
This is the time when I want to run.
But I can run, but I cannot hide.
Sooner or later, the problems comes back to me.
And I was so happy to be problem free, oh I was so wrong.
I try to back myself up now. It's my time now.
So everyone else - back the fuck off.
Värdera dig själv hörru!
Under många år har jag och även många andra här i livet blivit nedvärderade.
Allt i från yrke, skola, vänner, relationer etc. Det händer hela tiden.
Dom personerna som blir nedvärderade är egentligen dom som borde bli värderade högre.
Du kanske har ett funktionshinder, eller pratar konstigt, eller bara valt helt fel jävla umgänge.
Jag har själv nedvärderat människor i mitt liv, det står jag för.
Men mest för att jag själv skulle må bättre, för att jag var missnöjd med mig själv.
Sett ner på folk och tyckt att jag själv är så mycket bättre, men ack så fel jag gjorde för mig själv.
Av ren egoism har jag gjort vad som varit bäst för mig själv.
Ego, ego, ego.
Men släpper man egot och börjar bry sig om andra, oj va mycket man lär sig om livet.
Det kan bli väldigt fel och väldigt rätt många gånger.
Man har hängt med personer som ser bättre ut, men valet har många gånger varit fel.
Och de med bra utseende har eg varit splittrade själar, så som jag varit och varit väldigt ytliga.
Och har blivit splittrad och ytlig jag själv.
Idag dras jag till personer som är unika och lite speciella.
Inte för att jag "tycker synd om", som jag gjort förr, utan för att detta ger mig mer.
Jag kan slappna av och vara mig själv. För de accepterar lite lättare den jag är.
Om jag är "BOHEM" i mitt inre, men klär mig i höga klackar, är inte detta ytligt?
Du ser ju inte MIG då!
Jag är inte det smartaste skaftet på denna jorden, det står jag för.
men jag vill lära mig och jag är villig att ändras hela tiden.
Visst vill vi väl alla uppfattas som smarta,
men att nedvärdera någon när man inte förstår är bara det värsta jag vet.
Det är väl bättre att hjälpa personen och inte försöka trycka ner denna i fråga?
Som de flesta lärare säger: "DET FINNS INGA DUMMA FRÅGOR"
BARA DUMMA SVAR!
Jag har varit en person som inte vill uppfattas som dum, för jag är inte dum.
Med tanke på att jag har en gång i tiden haft blondt hår ner till röven och stora kalas bomber till bröst så stämplar folk en som en idiot. Det e så jävla tragiskt!
Folk tittar inte på mig för den jag är. Inte många iaf.
Men jag e svår. Det säger dom. Det tar tid. Men när de väl insett, så akk så fel dom hade.
Jag var ju en riktig pingla. Men då har jag oftast tröttnat på att bli ett "andra hands val".
Sen att jag kanske inte vet allt om allting och alla områden här i livet,
det är inte så mycket jag kan göra åt saken mer än att lära mig eller försöka att förstå.
Det sista man då behöver är någon som driver med en.
Ja, jag valde att flippa ut i mina tonår och göra allt jag kunde göra.
Därutav inte mycket skola och sket i det mesta när jag kunde ha roligare med vänner!
Men sen är det ju också ens egen uppgift om man tar illa vid sig att berätta detta.
Visst kan man skämta om mycket här i livet,
jag är absolut inte den som är den som tar åt mig av minsta lilla.
Men det finns gränser. Man ska hålla sig till dom och man ska veta vart dom går.
Dom personerna som respekterar en och lyssnar på en,
men sedan ändrar uppfattning om en när man säger sin ålder är ju bara helt jävla ute och cyklar.
Vad i helvete har ålder med erfarenhet att göra?
Du kan ju vara 45 och bete dig som en 12 åring.
Samtidigt kan en 19 åring bete sig som 35!
Nä, ju mer erfarenhet du har av livet, desstu mer tror jag att man vet hur det är att leva.
I gott och i ont... Sen om man inte vet någonting om tex. politik eller vad för sorts färg en bajs har,
så tycker jag inte att det spelar någon roll.
Jag tycker att folk borde kunna öppna sina ögon och se varandra för dom vi är istället.
För vi är ju faktiskt ett och samma skrot och korn i botten.
Det handlar inte om ålder, vem som e smartare än den andre eller vem som är mest tränad.
Visst, vi är alla olika och har olika åsikter och har haft olika uppväxter etc.
Nä, folk kan vara snälla istället tycker jag!
Folk som är nedvärderande gillar jag inte.
It's just pisses me off.
Vi borde älska alla lite mer istället, för dom vi är.
Ja folk kanske kan tycka att detta är dubbelmoral av mig...
Jag vet verkligen inte hur jag ska uttrycka mig ....
det kan ju låta fel från min sida kanske.
Nä nu ska jag hem till min lilla Annica och vräka av mig lite...
Puss och hej bananskal
Allt i från yrke, skola, vänner, relationer etc. Det händer hela tiden.
Dom personerna som blir nedvärderade är egentligen dom som borde bli värderade högre.
Du kanske har ett funktionshinder, eller pratar konstigt, eller bara valt helt fel jävla umgänge.
Jag har själv nedvärderat människor i mitt liv, det står jag för.
Men mest för att jag själv skulle må bättre, för att jag var missnöjd med mig själv.
Sett ner på folk och tyckt att jag själv är så mycket bättre, men ack så fel jag gjorde för mig själv.
Av ren egoism har jag gjort vad som varit bäst för mig själv.
Ego, ego, ego.
Men släpper man egot och börjar bry sig om andra, oj va mycket man lär sig om livet.
Det kan bli väldigt fel och väldigt rätt många gånger.
Man har hängt med personer som ser bättre ut, men valet har många gånger varit fel.
Och de med bra utseende har eg varit splittrade själar, så som jag varit och varit väldigt ytliga.
Och har blivit splittrad och ytlig jag själv.
Idag dras jag till personer som är unika och lite speciella.
Inte för att jag "tycker synd om", som jag gjort förr, utan för att detta ger mig mer.
Jag kan slappna av och vara mig själv. För de accepterar lite lättare den jag är.
Om jag är "BOHEM" i mitt inre, men klär mig i höga klackar, är inte detta ytligt?
Du ser ju inte MIG då!
Jag är inte det smartaste skaftet på denna jorden, det står jag för.
men jag vill lära mig och jag är villig att ändras hela tiden.
Visst vill vi väl alla uppfattas som smarta,
men att nedvärdera någon när man inte förstår är bara det värsta jag vet.
Det är väl bättre att hjälpa personen och inte försöka trycka ner denna i fråga?
Som de flesta lärare säger: "DET FINNS INGA DUMMA FRÅGOR"
BARA DUMMA SVAR!
Jag har varit en person som inte vill uppfattas som dum, för jag är inte dum.
Med tanke på att jag har en gång i tiden haft blondt hår ner till röven och stora kalas bomber till bröst så stämplar folk en som en idiot. Det e så jävla tragiskt!
Folk tittar inte på mig för den jag är. Inte många iaf.
Men jag e svår. Det säger dom. Det tar tid. Men när de väl insett, så akk så fel dom hade.
Jag var ju en riktig pingla. Men då har jag oftast tröttnat på att bli ett "andra hands val".
Sen att jag kanske inte vet allt om allting och alla områden här i livet,
det är inte så mycket jag kan göra åt saken mer än att lära mig eller försöka att förstå.
Det sista man då behöver är någon som driver med en.
Ja, jag valde att flippa ut i mina tonår och göra allt jag kunde göra.
Därutav inte mycket skola och sket i det mesta när jag kunde ha roligare med vänner!
Men sen är det ju också ens egen uppgift om man tar illa vid sig att berätta detta.
Visst kan man skämta om mycket här i livet,
jag är absolut inte den som är den som tar åt mig av minsta lilla.
Men det finns gränser. Man ska hålla sig till dom och man ska veta vart dom går.
Dom personerna som respekterar en och lyssnar på en,
men sedan ändrar uppfattning om en när man säger sin ålder är ju bara helt jävla ute och cyklar.
Vad i helvete har ålder med erfarenhet att göra?
Du kan ju vara 45 och bete dig som en 12 åring.
Samtidigt kan en 19 åring bete sig som 35!
Nä, ju mer erfarenhet du har av livet, desstu mer tror jag att man vet hur det är att leva.
I gott och i ont... Sen om man inte vet någonting om tex. politik eller vad för sorts färg en bajs har,
så tycker jag inte att det spelar någon roll.
Jag tycker att folk borde kunna öppna sina ögon och se varandra för dom vi är istället.
För vi är ju faktiskt ett och samma skrot och korn i botten.
Det handlar inte om ålder, vem som e smartare än den andre eller vem som är mest tränad.
Visst, vi är alla olika och har olika åsikter och har haft olika uppväxter etc.
Nä, folk kan vara snälla istället tycker jag!
Folk som är nedvärderande gillar jag inte.
It's just pisses me off.
Vi borde älska alla lite mer istället, för dom vi är.
Ja folk kanske kan tycka att detta är dubbelmoral av mig...
Jag vet verkligen inte hur jag ska uttrycka mig ....
det kan ju låta fel från min sida kanske.
Nä nu ska jag hem till min lilla Annica och vräka av mig lite...
Puss och hej bananskal
So what's up with my life???
I have been really bad at taking pictures lately....
I think it was the whole "camera thing" after traveling,
because now I'm just home and of course there is interesting things to photograph
but to take pictures with your mobil phone all the time isn't the best,
and it can't take the pictures I want to either.
Then I have to take 30 in a row and it's just annoying,
so I don't take so many pictures anymore instead.
And to use my digital camera the whole time is just boring.
I want a real camera. A good camera. Then we're talking!
But I do take some from time to time.
And I have been taking some for the last week or so, but have been too lazy to upload.
So... Here it comes...
Autum at Nydala.
My bike at work :)
Work! :D YAY!
Baked potatoe with skagen mix at Öl Cafeét. Yum yum yum
This is how fun you can have at A&C Sportcenter when there are no costumers.
Nice hair do. Yes? Yes! This is when I wear a hat...
Is it just me who think this candy is a little bit pervert?
He is licking the berry god damn it!
Study... study... brain... is.... exausted...
BENJAMIN :D
On my way to school!
On my way home from school...
On the way to the beach... :)
I think it was the whole "camera thing" after traveling,
because now I'm just home and of course there is interesting things to photograph
but to take pictures with your mobil phone all the time isn't the best,
and it can't take the pictures I want to either.
Then I have to take 30 in a row and it's just annoying,
so I don't take so many pictures anymore instead.
And to use my digital camera the whole time is just boring.
I want a real camera. A good camera. Then we're talking!
But I do take some from time to time.
And I have been taking some for the last week or so, but have been too lazy to upload.
So... Here it comes...
Autum at Nydala.
My bike at work :)
Work! :D YAY!
Baked potatoe with skagen mix at Öl Cafeét. Yum yum yum
This is how fun you can have at A&C Sportcenter when there are no costumers.
Nice hair do. Yes? Yes! This is when I wear a hat...
Is it just me who think this candy is a little bit pervert?
He is licking the berry god damn it!
Study... study... brain... is.... exausted...
BENJAMIN :D
On my way to school!
On my way home from school...
On the way to the beach... :)
The big bad wolf
For a long time, I've been wondering how this person is doing.
Why? I don't know. I've just had this person on my mind.
I haven't seen him since before I left to Mexico,
and the end we had on that chapter didn't end so well.
Well, not for me anyway. But that's my karma again I guess.
But I'm over it, loooong time ago.
But couple of days ago we talked online.
The last time we wrote or spoke was a really long time ago.
He told me that he was sorry for everything and how everything happened and ended.
He thought about it alot he said.
It felt good to hear it and I appriciated it alot because he is a good man.
And everything happens for a reason.
If it wasn't for me, he probably haven't met his girlfriend that he still have today.
I am glad that he is happy, and I am happy for him!
We all find what we are looking for sooner or later.
But I just wish to see his face one more time.
(This does not mean that I want something.)
But that short short but intensive time we had together, changed me alot.
Therefor he is special to me no matter what other people says.
Why? I don't know. I've just had this person on my mind.
I haven't seen him since before I left to Mexico,
and the end we had on that chapter didn't end so well.
Well, not for me anyway. But that's my karma again I guess.
But I'm over it, loooong time ago.
But couple of days ago we talked online.
The last time we wrote or spoke was a really long time ago.
He told me that he was sorry for everything and how everything happened and ended.
He thought about it alot he said.
It felt good to hear it and I appriciated it alot because he is a good man.
And everything happens for a reason.
If it wasn't for me, he probably haven't met his girlfriend that he still have today.
I am glad that he is happy, and I am happy for him!
We all find what we are looking for sooner or later.
But I just wish to see his face one more time.
(This does not mean that I want something.)
But that short short but intensive time we had together, changed me alot.
Therefor he is special to me no matter what other people says.
Malmööööööö FF!
It's sunday night and Malmö took the gold medal in soccer today!
Outside my window I can hear people screaming (drunks) and car horns honking!
It's a good and nice feeling even if I don't watch soccer that often.
And I didn't watch the game, because I was in school all day long.
Massaging asses
And even if it was a boring sunday in otherwise empty Malmö, people were out partying.
Finally some people outside.
And being sober and listening to all the drunks, are so god damn fun!
I know that Malmö took the gold today.
Yeah yeah, Malmö is the best, you know ;) tsssss....
I was out taking a walk with Jenny to the supermarket and then just walked
for a while and suddenly the whole Möllevångstorg was full of people. Cops and fireworks.
"SAY WH0000T?" We met Ludde and Maci and some other old friends, said hi and left.
Now I'm waiting for Annica and a cup of tea.
My wifey is going to sleep here. Oh, nice. Someone to warm up my bed :)
To see all the MFF fans, Tv and you name it, made me miss my puppy alot!
(Omri, my dear friend from Israel)
Yeah, I think the puppy has been growing up a little bit now.
He is becoming a real dog now hahaha!
Like me, but I'm not a dog. I'm a cat! :D
I just wish I still had the video of us being drunk together.
Damn, that night was hilarious!
One of the best night of the summer 2009!
If I only could remember it. hahahhahaha.... :)
It's time to say goodnight now.
I miss you puppy!
And I miss Fluff, Lea, Micke, Maja and so many others as well.
Those who are not around as much as I would like to.
And of course my new "little brother", but he is here :)
Outside my window I can hear people screaming (drunks) and car horns honking!
It's a good and nice feeling even if I don't watch soccer that often.
And I didn't watch the game, because I was in school all day long.
Massaging asses
And even if it was a boring sunday in otherwise empty Malmö, people were out partying.
Finally some people outside.
And being sober and listening to all the drunks, are so god damn fun!
I know that Malmö took the gold today.
Yeah yeah, Malmö is the best, you know ;) tsssss....
I was out taking a walk with Jenny to the supermarket and then just walked
for a while and suddenly the whole Möllevångstorg was full of people. Cops and fireworks.
"SAY WH0000T?" We met Ludde and Maci and some other old friends, said hi and left.
Now I'm waiting for Annica and a cup of tea.
My wifey is going to sleep here. Oh, nice. Someone to warm up my bed :)
To see all the MFF fans, Tv and you name it, made me miss my puppy alot!
(Omri, my dear friend from Israel)
Yeah, I think the puppy has been growing up a little bit now.
He is becoming a real dog now hahaha!
Like me, but I'm not a dog. I'm a cat! :D
I just wish I still had the video of us being drunk together.
Damn, that night was hilarious!
One of the best night of the summer 2009!
If I only could remember it. hahahhahaha.... :)
It's time to say goodnight now.
I miss you puppy!
And I miss Fluff, Lea, Micke, Maja and so many others as well.
Those who are not around as much as I would like to.
And of course my new "little brother", but he is here :)
Old blog post
january 27, 2009 - tuesday
Mood:  thirstyI..m gonna get drunk now, just so u guys know! I..m a little bit tired but some redbull-vodka should be great... Then I..m silly stupid, silly little me again ;) I freakin love the US. I don..t wanna go home. But some day u got to go back to reality. Or do I have to? The only thing I can..t handle right now is the weather. I got all my summer clothes with me, only one thin jacket.... So I..m freeeeeezing my ass off! We went to Grand Canyon yesterday, and Hoover Dam and some place on Route 66. That..s what I like. See things, explore... I enjoyed our roadtrip so much! I love everything right now... My life is great. Yeah, I know, I keep on saying that... But I really do!!! U guys maybe wondering why I write in English when I..m from Sweden....? I think I should practice my english a little bit more. I maybe talk good, but some words are like hmmm... gone... Well, I tell u all... I found the gym today, and it was so fucking awsome! But I didn..t found somebody who did brasilian vaxing for under 100 bucks. =( That..s really expencive... well, now I..m getting drunk. Cheers from Vegas baby Woh.... This feels so long ago. But it's not! |
And suddenly everything became clear to me...
One single meaning changed my whole point of view.
Or the whole perspective of everything.
When that thought hitted my mind, I asked myself:
"Why haven't I thought about this before?"
It was so simple. And it felt right.
It was true. Or at least it feels like it.
Everything became clear to me in a second.
All my feelings changed.
And I was in a "Aha, of course" moment.
Lucky me who reacted that way, otherwise I would have been sad.
But I'm happy!
I am happy to love myself, and I am happy to love someone else.
I am also happy that I can feel this sort of love.
You can feel love in so many different ways.
Because there is LOVE, and there is LOVE!
(You know the different)
I am not IN love, I just LOVE!
Of course I would love to be in love with someone.
Love is powerful and it's everything we need.
And from now - I will love forever!
But I think I got my answer ....
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Another thing that made me happy yesterday was this:
"I am so happy that I like you so much, because I really do.
Lee, you are for real.
You are unique and honest. You are not a fake."
"I like to be around you, you are so special and I feel
so relaxed and can talk about most things with you.
You are a "real" friend."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes I give and give and give without getting anything in return.
I don't expect anything in return because if I do or give someone else something,
I do it with love and compassion.
But sometimes... just sometimes...
It would be nice to feel that someone cares about me too.
People are just used to, that I'm there for everyone.
But who takes care of me?
When this happens, I love even more.
Sometimes I even cry when someone does it, because I get so thankful.
I am so greatful to have those friends I have today.
They mean more then anything in the world to me.
Sometimes I don't even have to hang out with them,
sometimes it's just ok to see their face and it can make my whole day!
Isn't that love? I think so!
My only problem is that all the people I love the most, have left me.
Or the oposite. Or at least many of them lately...
So. Friends. I love you all.
Ameri....macka...
Miss Liberty turn inna Jezzabelle
All de dreams you go sell, de whole dem turn inna hell
Her bed of roses are filled with thorns
Her righteous robes are tattered and torn
If she had only stood for love
That would have been enough
She wouldn't have to hide her shame
If she had only stood for love
That would have been enough
But now she's burnt us all with her flames
Amerimacka
Oh what a beautiful life
Amerimacka
Is like licking honey off a knife
Amerimacka
Oh what a beautiful sight
Amerimacka
Oh what a beautiful life
The land of the free built on slavery
Our consciousness in captivity
The promised land is the liar's den
Your culture of greed has got to end
Now we're laying in the mud
Looking up above
Tear water just ah drop from the sky
They try to keep us in the mud
Separating us from love
But me nah go let dem conquer de I
Amerimacka
Oh what a beautiful life
Amerimacka
Is like licking honey off a knife
Amerimacka
Oh what a beautiful sight
Amerimacka
Oh what a beautiful life
Meditation?
I don't really know where to start with this, because this is just weird.
But weird in a cool way of course.
I went for the Vinyasa Yoga class today since I didn't wake up in time this morning as well.
When we had the relaxation, the relaxation is the best for me to make my meditation.
It's just easier in a way for me.
I came to the point of where I was floating above myself.
I love that feeling. But it's almost not explainable.
It may sound weird for you guys, but it's like your soul leave your own body.
And you don't move a muscle. Totally relaxed.
Sometimes it happens to me that I feel present somewhere else.
I almost thought it was a dream.
But I wasn't sleeping and I know the feeling I had since it happened before.
I know where I was. I was in my friends bed.
I just laid there and looked around in the room.
I saw him sitting in front of his computer, like I'm used to.
Then I "came back".
When I woke up I had a reminder in my head.
This can happen to me alot after a meditation.
Feelings, old memories, reminders, etc. just pops up from no where.
And when they come. I have to do it.
By doing it, I mean that I have to tell, do, act, read or write.
Just solve the problem or what ever.
This is a part of me growing. And it's also why I have a blog.
This helps alot. I don't care about readers really.
And for all those people who doesn't know about my little accident
couple of years ago when I hitted my head,
I have to say that my memory can be a bit bad sometimes since the accident.
I can forget things easily, just like I did with this reminder I got.
My reminder was about a dream I had when I was in Thailand during the Agama Yoga school.
I remember the dream very well when I was there and I don't know how I could forget it.
Even if I was awake. I wondered who this guy was.
But dreams are pretty easy to forget.
Well, anyway...the reminder I got after this relaxation/meditation was a reminder of the dream I had.
The dream I had was about this guy,
the same guy that is my friend today that I "visited" in my meditation.
I have to add that I didn't know this guy when I was in Thailand.
I've barely known him for 3 months. But yet I've met him before..... (?)
So maybe that's why it felt like I've known him for a while.
And maybe that's why it felt like I've met him before, the first time I saw him.
His (and my) friend showed a picture of him before I met him and I said.... I know who this guy is.
But how? How the F*ck can I know? I don't know!
I haven't been home for more then 1 year almost.
And the thought have hitted me many times,
but there is no answer of this because I know I haven't met him.
I don't know if this sounds waaaaay to weird or like I'm going crazy over here.
Maybe I am? But I don't think so anyway.
What I believe is powerful.
I think there is a reason why I met him in real life.
Since I've had dreams about this guy, before I even met him in the first place.
Well, now you know. What do you think??
My meditation was fucking awesome anyway!!!
EXPLAIN THIS PLS!
But weird in a cool way of course.
I went for the Vinyasa Yoga class today since I didn't wake up in time this morning as well.
When we had the relaxation, the relaxation is the best for me to make my meditation.
It's just easier in a way for me.
I came to the point of where I was floating above myself.
I love that feeling. But it's almost not explainable.
It may sound weird for you guys, but it's like your soul leave your own body.
And you don't move a muscle. Totally relaxed.
Sometimes it happens to me that I feel present somewhere else.
I almost thought it was a dream.
But I wasn't sleeping and I know the feeling I had since it happened before.
I know where I was. I was in my friends bed.
I just laid there and looked around in the room.
I saw him sitting in front of his computer, like I'm used to.
Then I "came back".
When I woke up I had a reminder in my head.
This can happen to me alot after a meditation.
Feelings, old memories, reminders, etc. just pops up from no where.
And when they come. I have to do it.
By doing it, I mean that I have to tell, do, act, read or write.
Just solve the problem or what ever.
This is a part of me growing. And it's also why I have a blog.
This helps alot. I don't care about readers really.
And for all those people who doesn't know about my little accident
couple of years ago when I hitted my head,
I have to say that my memory can be a bit bad sometimes since the accident.
I can forget things easily, just like I did with this reminder I got.
My reminder was about a dream I had when I was in Thailand during the Agama Yoga school.
I remember the dream very well when I was there and I don't know how I could forget it.
Even if I was awake. I wondered who this guy was.
But dreams are pretty easy to forget.
Well, anyway...the reminder I got after this relaxation/meditation was a reminder of the dream I had.
The dream I had was about this guy,
the same guy that is my friend today that I "visited" in my meditation.
I have to add that I didn't know this guy when I was in Thailand.
I've barely known him for 3 months. But yet I've met him before..... (?)
So maybe that's why it felt like I've known him for a while.
And maybe that's why it felt like I've met him before, the first time I saw him.
His (and my) friend showed a picture of him before I met him and I said.... I know who this guy is.
But how? How the F*ck can I know? I don't know!
I haven't been home for more then 1 year almost.
And the thought have hitted me many times,
but there is no answer of this because I know I haven't met him.
I don't know if this sounds waaaaay to weird or like I'm going crazy over here.
Maybe I am? But I don't think so anyway.
What I believe is powerful.
I think there is a reason why I met him in real life.
Since I've had dreams about this guy, before I even met him in the first place.
Well, now you know. What do you think??
My meditation was fucking awesome anyway!!!
EXPLAIN THIS PLS!
Just Be Contented - by Sri Swami Satchidananda
I just woke up and the first thing I see on facebook is a
note made by Sri Swami Satchidananda.
Early morning notes is good for Lee Lee, waking up with an empty mind is nice.
It's a reminder not just for me, for everyone.
Question: I feel a strong desire to be a mother and part of a family unit,
yet I haven't met a man to begin this family with.
I sometimes become impatient and anxious, begin to lack faith and trust,
and feel pressured because of my age. Do you have any suggestions?
Sri Gurudev: God has a purpose for having you here,
but you may want to do something of your own.
If God really wanted you to get married and have a family, even if you didn't want it,
somebody would have come and kidnapped you.
Sometimes we want many things, but the Higher Will says, "It's not good for you.
I have not created you for that purpose." Or, "You are not ready for it."
You might say, "No, I am thirty-three. I am ready."
Well, to God maybe you are still a thirty-three month old baby.
You think you are ready but God still says no.
We sometimes think that we all should be doing the same thing.
That is not so. It is that Cosmic Consciousness,
which we call God, that created everything and everybody for a certain purpose.
The purpose need not be the same for everyone.
He functions through all the people to fulfill His cosmic mission.
Maybe you are supposed to do something without getting into family life.
By not accepting that, you are not fulfilling your duty as a single person;
neither are you getting into family life as you wanted.
So you are losing both. You are neither following God's Will, nor following your will.
You are revolting against God: "I don't want to be like that. I want to be like this."
And God is not allowing you to be the way you want.
When you don't want to be that and God doesn't want you to be this, it's a constant fight.
We all have some purpose to fulfill. You are unique in your place. Just be contented,
"God has created me for some purpose. Let me fulfill whatever it is.
Even if I don't know what I am doing."
If you ask God, He will say, "I have a purpose for you. Just wait.
I don't need to be using everybody, every day, all the time." So just be contented.
If God wants a grandson, He will certainly send some nice fellow to you.
He will send you whatever you need to fulfill that purpose.
OM Shanti, Shanti, Shanti
Spotless mind
Sometimes my boogie man shows up in my head.
Today I talked about him with Malin.
I told her stuff that we have been through together.
I think she understood how this effected me to become the one I am today.
And I am happy to been growing so much stronger.
You meet different kind of people in your life for a reason.
To learn. To grow. To love. To breath. To experience.
It's kind of weird to talk about it, because it's like it's never happened.
It's an old chapter in the book and you should continue reading instead of go back.
I erased and moved on.
It felt like a movie. A real typical american movie.
But it wasn't. It was a part of my life once.
A tragical and very dramatic movie. But a good one.
Sometimes it feels weird to watch those kind of movies.
So where is he now?
I have to say that Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind is still one of my favourites.
I can cry. And cry. But now I just listen to the soundtrack! :)
And don't want to erase someone else from my life ever again.
This time I won't make mistakes like that.
No matter how much I want to. I have to live with the pain.
But those kind of people you meet for a reason, are defintly there for a reason.
Even if you can't explain it.
Listen to the song. And feel it.
Today I talked about him with Malin.
I told her stuff that we have been through together.
I think she understood how this effected me to become the one I am today.
And I am happy to been growing so much stronger.
You meet different kind of people in your life for a reason.
To learn. To grow. To love. To breath. To experience.
It's kind of weird to talk about it, because it's like it's never happened.
It's an old chapter in the book and you should continue reading instead of go back.
I erased and moved on.
It felt like a movie. A real typical american movie.
But it wasn't. It was a part of my life once.
A tragical and very dramatic movie. But a good one.
Sometimes it feels weird to watch those kind of movies.
So where is he now?
I have to say that Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind is still one of my favourites.
I can cry. And cry. But now I just listen to the soundtrack! :)
And don't want to erase someone else from my life ever again.
This time I won't make mistakes like that.
No matter how much I want to. I have to live with the pain.
But those kind of people you meet for a reason, are defintly there for a reason.
Even if you can't explain it.
Listen to the song. And feel it.
UpsideDownInsideOut
Today is "one of those days" when I don't know if I should cry or laugh.
I have so much inside of me that just want to come out now, but I just don't know how to speak.
But it feels like I have nothing left to loose.
And if I loose, it was not for real from the beginning.
I decided to keep my calm inside and don't worry though.
Everything is going to be allright. Sooner or later.
Again I fear the fear....
And when I should focus on my massage with costumers, that's what I do.
My private issues have to wait.
I don't wreck my day for anything.
I had my first 2 costumers today. Tess and Elin.
Very good and nice feedback as well :)
Tomorrow it's time for Johan, Tess brother!
It's crazy how much I love to do this.
I really burn for this. And I learn more and more every time.
Lucky me that had Elin and "talk to" during dinner as well.
Feedback and support from a friend is always nice.
And Elin is a smart and strong girl even if I've always seen her as "my little Elin".
The youngest mother of us all, but yet not a mother! ;)
Broccoli soup with crisp bread it was. Yum yum.
Since it was a dark and rainy weather, Elin decided soup was the best.
I agreed :)
I have to study more. Study and study haaaaard!!
But now it's time for bed, and then it's time for Yoga tomorrow.
But not the morning class, it have to be at 12 because the first class starts in 4 hours,
and I haven't even gone to bed yet. Jeeez...
It's time for bed.
And no matter what happens, I will hide you in a big place inside of my <3
I have so much inside of me that just want to come out now, but I just don't know how to speak.
But it feels like I have nothing left to loose.
And if I loose, it was not for real from the beginning.
I decided to keep my calm inside and don't worry though.
Everything is going to be allright. Sooner or later.
Again I fear the fear....
And when I should focus on my massage with costumers, that's what I do.
My private issues have to wait.
I don't wreck my day for anything.
I had my first 2 costumers today. Tess and Elin.
Very good and nice feedback as well :)
Tomorrow it's time for Johan, Tess brother!
It's crazy how much I love to do this.
I really burn for this. And I learn more and more every time.
Lucky me that had Elin and "talk to" during dinner as well.
Feedback and support from a friend is always nice.
And Elin is a smart and strong girl even if I've always seen her as "my little Elin".
The youngest mother of us all, but yet not a mother! ;)
Broccoli soup with crisp bread it was. Yum yum.
Since it was a dark and rainy weather, Elin decided soup was the best.
I agreed :)
I have to study more. Study and study haaaaard!!
But now it's time for bed, and then it's time for Yoga tomorrow.
But not the morning class, it have to be at 12 because the first class starts in 4 hours,
and I haven't even gone to bed yet. Jeeez...
It's time for bed.
And no matter what happens, I will hide you in a big place inside of my <3
Touching and some massage
The thought have hitted me before that this is a really big challenge for me.
Being a masseuse, I think it's harder then everyone think.
I know myself and what thought about it before.
"Ah, it can't be that hard, what a nice and easy job".
But think like this....
Touching someone else, there is something special with it.
Or at least, that's what I think.
For me, it's always been like that. You don't want to touch everyone.
Touching is personal.
Touching is so much energy and flow. Very special.
Of course you can't say no to a hot and good looking guy or girl.
But what if there is an old wrinkly man with sore on his ass?
That's a different story right?
And when it comes to "old friends" and people you've dated.
By that I mean the dissaster dates you've had.
Is that okey?
If I think and act with my heart, I would never do it.
But this is going to be something I work with,
so I have to act professional and think that this is a costumer of mine and "think money".
And if I some day get a boyfriend, this can't be in the way.
The man have to trust me! :)
For many years I've had troubles myself with other people touching me.
Today there is no problem but challenges all the time.
And I still have to say that J. is my favorite to massage!
Being a masseuse, I think it's harder then everyone think.
I know myself and what thought about it before.
"Ah, it can't be that hard, what a nice and easy job".
But think like this....
Touching someone else, there is something special with it.
Or at least, that's what I think.
For me, it's always been like that. You don't want to touch everyone.
Touching is personal.
Touching is so much energy and flow. Very special.
Of course you can't say no to a hot and good looking guy or girl.
But what if there is an old wrinkly man with sore on his ass?
That's a different story right?
And when it comes to "old friends" and people you've dated.
By that I mean the dissaster dates you've had.
Is that okey?
If I think and act with my heart, I would never do it.
But this is going to be something I work with,
so I have to act professional and think that this is a costumer of mine and "think money".
And if I some day get a boyfriend, this can't be in the way.
The man have to trust me! :)
For many years I've had troubles myself with other people touching me.
Today there is no problem but challenges all the time.
And I still have to say that J. is my favorite to massage!
Being Lazy
I've been way too lazy lately.
But I don't want to have too many "things" on my back and feel stressed.
I want to take one task at the time, and do it right!
Today my focus is on massage to get some money & food.
And while I'm not doing any massage now during the day the focus is to study.
And the clean a bit.
After my party, it's wasn't so bad. I just have to vacuum a bit.
And make up all my clothes from the floor and make the bed :)
I don't know how I sleep in my bed, it's not the first time I wake up across the other side.
Is my bed too big for me then? Or is it just me, trying to fill it up because it's empty?
(This is me when I was young)
I'm going to do some Yoga at home today because I missed it this morning.
A long headstand is needed today! I Overslept.
I worked yesterday (as a mailman) and when I came home I took a hot and long bath.
And made myself really nice dinner.
Being outside in the cold for 6 hours makes Lee Lee tired, but in a good way.
Then the wild "massive awesome" dude Joel called.
I was glad to see him again after 2 weeks or so.
Same same Joel, with alot of coffee in his body haha.
Me, him and Alex took a walk in the park and then I hung out there for a while and went home.
It was later then I thought and I needed the sleep......
Being a masseuse is kind of shitty for me, cuz I need a massage myself!
My back hurts like a M*F*
I had a dream about Fluff couple of days ago.
We were inside of a beauty saloon and tried out different kinds of wigs.
Laughed and had alot of fun and when I woke up, I thought :
"Oh, I'm gonna call Fluff and see if he wants to do something today"...
The thought stopped me... and my happiness realized that he's not here anymore.
Damn it. It sucks.
It's time for breakfast,
and I'm not even hungry... Maybe I'll wait for a while. Ciao. Ciao.
But I don't want to have too many "things" on my back and feel stressed.
I want to take one task at the time, and do it right!
Today my focus is on massage to get some money & food.
And while I'm not doing any massage now during the day the focus is to study.
And the clean a bit.
After my party, it's wasn't so bad. I just have to vacuum a bit.
And make up all my clothes from the floor and make the bed :)
I don't know how I sleep in my bed, it's not the first time I wake up across the other side.
Is my bed too big for me then? Or is it just me, trying to fill it up because it's empty?
(This is me when I was young)
I'm going to do some Yoga at home today because I missed it this morning.
A long headstand is needed today! I Overslept.
I worked yesterday (as a mailman) and when I came home I took a hot and long bath.
And made myself really nice dinner.
Being outside in the cold for 6 hours makes Lee Lee tired, but in a good way.
Then the wild "massive awesome" dude Joel called.
I was glad to see him again after 2 weeks or so.
Same same Joel, with alot of coffee in his body haha.
Me, him and Alex took a walk in the park and then I hung out there for a while and went home.
It was later then I thought and I needed the sleep......
Being a masseuse is kind of shitty for me, cuz I need a massage myself!
My back hurts like a M*F*
I had a dream about Fluff couple of days ago.
We were inside of a beauty saloon and tried out different kinds of wigs.
Laughed and had alot of fun and when I woke up, I thought :
"Oh, I'm gonna call Fluff and see if he wants to do something today"...
The thought stopped me... and my happiness realized that he's not here anymore.
Damn it. It sucks.
It's time for breakfast,
and I'm not even hungry... Maybe I'll wait for a while. Ciao. Ciao.
The wild cat...
Vissa människor kan titta på mig och se en vild katt.
En vild katt som vill ut och fånga byten.
Katten är lugn för tillfälligt och det är ingen som kan få denna vild katt att bli tam mer än hon själv.
Hur mycket du än försöker att tämja så är det bara vad du tror,
för en vild katt kommer alltid att förbli en vild katt.
Och att försöka att ändra på katten är inte lönt, hon är den hon är!
Vissa tror jag vill ge mig en omgång så jag blir tyst.
Men det som vissa människor inte förstår är att ju fler omgångar katten får, desstu mer vill hon ha.
Vild katter kan vara lömska, men hon försöker bara lista ut hur sitt byte fungerar innan hon attackerar.
Hon kan tappa bytet och vinner inte alltid, och den största utmaningen för henne är en annan vild katt.
Hon är ingen som ger sig i första taget, men blir samtidigt ganska lätt uttråkad.
Katten kan bli arg, men hon håller sig oftast i skinnet.
Puman är vid liv igen. Meow.
En vild katt som vill ut och fånga byten.
Katten är lugn för tillfälligt och det är ingen som kan få denna vild katt att bli tam mer än hon själv.
Hur mycket du än försöker att tämja så är det bara vad du tror,
för en vild katt kommer alltid att förbli en vild katt.
Och att försöka att ändra på katten är inte lönt, hon är den hon är!
Vissa tror jag vill ge mig en omgång så jag blir tyst.
Men det som vissa människor inte förstår är att ju fler omgångar katten får, desstu mer vill hon ha.
Vild katter kan vara lömska, men hon försöker bara lista ut hur sitt byte fungerar innan hon attackerar.
Hon kan tappa bytet och vinner inte alltid, och den största utmaningen för henne är en annan vild katt.
Hon är ingen som ger sig i första taget, men blir samtidigt ganska lätt uttråkad.
Katten kan bli arg, men hon håller sig oftast i skinnet.
Puman är vid liv igen. Meow.
