Brain crash

This whole Yoga and meditation is doing good for me.
Or should I say "my brain"?
I went to Maha yesterday for a follow up treatment.
I forgot the first time but she told me to come back later the same day. 
*PUH* Lucky me.
We talked a lot about the problems I had.
On my first meeting during my TTC, my problem was a different thing.
Which healed and never had problems with it since I took the remedy.
*knock on wood*
She asked me back then if I had a head injury in my life.
I said no.... Then I stopped... 
Wait a minute. I did have a head injury. 
A concussion at 2005 when I fell from my bike.
I forgot about that.
(Maybe because my memory have been a bit fucked up since then?)
So... The problem during my TTC and STILL, is my headaches and migrains.
I started talking about this when Maha asks me if I get stressed
over tests or somthing that I have to prove?
And it's been a lot of that lately.
It makes sence to me now,
but I would never think about how it could be related.
My brain works slower (still good) but it has to work 2 times more than a normal brain.
So, that's why I get tired and exausted when it comes to learning.
And everything because of a concussion.
I still need and want to keep my brain "active" and moving...
So, just talking and writing in english for me, is a good thing to do.
It takes a bit of effort from time to time,
but it's going better and better for each day.
I do have a problem when I don't understand.
It's like my brain don't want to work with me.
I can start crying beacause of that. Seriously.
And it can be such small and simple things,
that you might laugh at afterwards.
But hey... It's a brain damage, what can I do?
Maha told me that it can takes 20 years for a brain to recover fully.
Somthing is not right to 100 % she said.
I always knew that I was special hahaha...
She will give me a remedy today and she said that I might not have any problem 
with my head again. Hopefully, hopefully!
Back to normal? ;)

I have to tell you that I love you....

I was sitting and waiting for Megan on a staircase with paint all over my face.
The street was crowded with drunk people.
I noticed in the corner of my eye that someone walked by from a far distance
and then stopped and stared at me.
And then tried to move on while staring at the same time.
I raised my head and looked at the guy.
He gave me the biggest smile I've seen in a long time and I smiled back.
He turned around and the first thing he told me was:
- Normally a conversation starts with a "Hello, how are you".
I start my conversation like we have been married for 12 years
by saying that I LOVE YOU! I really do... 
..... Conversation went on....
That was a very different and interesting conversation.
I like everything that is different, so I guess he had me at "I love you"? Haha
And of course, I took everything with a pinch of salt
because it was on the fullmoon party.
But, we sure did have a great time. 
Thank you Mr Argentina! :)

No expectations

I know that I take a long time when it comes to my updates.
I just have too many things on my mind.
And I've been having a lot of people around me lately.
I do like to spend some time along once in a while and
do all the necessary things that needs to be done.
(Organised mind)
But, I know I will have that time before I go home.
So, I've just been having a social life since I got back on the island.
Yes, I finished my English techer training on the 24:th.
YAY! You can now call me an english teacher.
I went back to Koh Phangan the 25:th (on Fullmoon) together with Megan.
Megan wanted to experience a Fullmoon party to the maximum,
so I thought... I might just take her there.
And DID she experience it to max? Oh yes she did!!!
And... man... I don't know if the first one or the last one was better.
Both were pretty good. 
Accept that I came home with injured knees, but it was worth it.
And I actually slept around 05-06 (am) and not 12.00 like the last time.
Megan and I did split up quickly though, and she had a more rough time than I had.
I had to pick her up in Haad Rin around 10.30 ish... So you can imagine.
Took her days to recover...
During the time she spent here with me, we went jungle trekking to Bottle Beach.
1,5 hour walk up and down the mountain to "Bottle beach".
You follow around 650 plastic water bottles on the little "road" they made there....
And we took a taxi boat back.
She also told me that she attracts Brazilian guys a lot. That's her thing.
They find her. And many of her ex boyfriends are Brazilian.
I haven't met so many "latinos" in general in Thailand.
BUT, since I've been spending time with Megan lately, they all showed up.
Everywhere, from nowhere... 
I definitely want to go to South America. A lot.
I have to say that I surprised myself by listening to what Swami told me.
"How would you know if you never give it a try?" 
So, I gave it a try without expectations. 
One word: AMAZING!
I love my life. Good times. Good memories.

Messy. So messy.

So, Jesse is here.
he came earlier than I expected.
And so did Tim. So now both are here.
I haven't met Tim yet though.
Having a guy in the house is more difficult than I thought it would be.
In cases like this, I wish I had Jonas around. He understands what I'm talking about when it comes to the whole cleaning part / tidy up after yourself.
How could I ever live with another man?
It's a challenge, specially when you lived alone for the past 5 months.
I'm having a bad day today and having a messy house doesn't make it better.
Good that the cleaning lady will come over soon! :)
I froze on my test today and went completely blank so I have to do it tomorrow instead. Grrrrreat!
Fuck fuck fuck fuck!

I need to do yoga!

Some more thoughts....

Saturday today and no plans at all.
Megan (a girl in my class) asked if I wanted to go to a Muay Thai fight.
Excited at first, but thinking about it for a while, I didn't feel so super excited anymore.
I don't like fighting. It gives me very bad energy and today I feel super receptive.
So I skipped out. Maybe another time.
But what I would like to do is to go to the theater and watch Iron Man 3.
I haven't been to the theater since december.
But not today, cuz now it's too late.
I did watch a movie just now, for the first time in months.
The Guilt trip with Barbera Streisand and Seth Rogan.
Not what I expected but I cried in the end. 
(Super sensitive today) 
Back to Megan.
She is an American girl and we are doing the same TEFL course.
I definitely think that it's a purpose that you meet certain people.
She gave me some good information that I needed and if everything works as planned, 
universe will make a plan for me and send me to the US and A.
(said in Borat style)
I can't give any details yet, but like I've said before...
I'll go where the wind takes me.
DON'T worry, I'm still going home June 20.
For a vacation. Then I'm off again.
I decided to have a break from Facebook again too. For 3 days.
This will automatically update on FB, because my blog is connected to it.
But I will not be online. Promise. I keep my word. :)
In couple of days an old friend will come over and pay me a visit.
That old friend is Tim. 
And around the 20:th, Jesse will come over.
He called me this morning and he just came out from his Vipasana retreat.
I'm going to miss that guy, a lot. 
I already do.
But who knows, I might see him too again... Somewhere in the world.
Actually, I know I will.
Just like I do with Tim. Over and over again.
Some people you do have a connection with.
With Jesse, I can be myself 100 %
and it feels like I've known him for many years.
Like one of my best friends at home. 
I have to add it's nothing sexual.
Some of you guys might know that me and Tim have a past.
Also someone I am very connected to. 
We are not ment to be lovers, never had.
But I think we have been connected somehow in a previous life.
No matter what happened between us before,
he will always be a big part of my life.
And we keep meeting around the world and I'm glad I still have him in my life.
Same with Jonas. 
Jonas confronted me the other day, which surprised me.
But I'm very glad that he did. 
Because it made me think and I was honest about it all.
It's one of very few men I would do ANYTHING for.
That's how much he means to me. 
Also not as a lover, but my closest MALE friend.
I noticed that I do prioritice my friends more than a relationship.
Mostly because my relationships goes down in the end,
or just ends up being fucking boring.
But who knows, somewhere out there in the world....
There MIGHT be a spiritual man who has the same
amount of energy and can handle a woman like me.
Who can tame the tiger in me. 
Cuz I noticed that, that's the problem... 
The only one who actually COULD handle me, handled me TOO WELL. 
But in the end, he didn't want children.
So, that was the end of that story.
I met couple of people I connected with on my trip.
One of them I scared of pretty quickly, but there was definitely a connection.
What kind of connection, I don't know.
One thing that happened with that person I have to write down.
It would be a good thing for me to write down as well, in case if I forget it myself.
I was driving my motorbike down the road.
All of a sudden I feel a smell. A smell of this man.
A very specific smell.
The guy came to my mind of course and I wondered
if he would still be around on the island.
4 seconds later I go around a corner,
and he passes me on the opposite way of the road.
I was in shock for couple of seconds.
If I calculate it right,
he would have passed the turn to my house at the same time I felt his smell.
Maybe it's me who is crazy, or it might sound a little co-co anyway,
but what if we did think about each other at the same time?
Things like this keep happening to me. All the time.
But just with some people.
I need to stop thinking for a while.
Or, actually... I need to meditate. Like right now.
Hasta luego amigos

Thoughts and plans

I talked to "the man" at home yesterday.
And by "the man" I mean my best friend.
Jonas. Who I live with. 
I had to talk to him about my future plans.
And HIS future plans too. 
Since I'm going home for 2 months and then probably leave again.
I'm going to be home for a "vacation" and I need to save all the money I have.
And I'll have to make some money when I'm home too.
Which means that our talk was mostly about money and plans.
I'm not going to pay rent when I come home to my own house.
Which was a hard thing to ask for, but he agreed to it.
It's a lot of money for me if I'm going to go back here.
He is going to make my massage room into Liams own "bedroom/playroom".
Liam is his kid and I understand that he will need his own room.
The little kiddo is growing. And he is super cute.
Sadly, Jonas is going to start looking for a new appartment soon.
Mostly because he has a kid that is growing up,
and living in the same appartment as me, maybe won't be the best.
And he doesn't know when I'll come home and neither do I.
If I ever DO come home... Who knows?
It hurts me when I think about it. 
We did share great memories in that house. 
Even if I'm not home, thinking about NOT living with him is like salt in a open wound.
I'm not ready for a "svensson life" as we call it in Swedish.
(The avarage person who gets a house,kid,dog and volvo together)
Thinking about it makes me sick.
I don't mean with Jonas, but in general. 
I did think that I was ready for it couple of times, to settle down.
Well, I'm not!!!
I do want a kid, but living inside of a bubble,
being afraid of everything and being so politicaly correct SUCKS!
That's what I mean with being a "svensson". 
One of those moms that are super afraid that your kid will fall or what ever...
I can't stand those kind of people. 
It's not living. It's closing yourself to the outer world.
And being materialistic... that's even worse!!!!
Let's not talk about it haha...
I love my life here. 
I love Koh Phangan.
I don't really like Samui or the rest of Thailand THAT much.
I feel at home on Phangan.
It has all the hippies, nice nature, not so much traffic and it has 2 sides.
One "bad side" (full moon party side) and one good side... The Yogic side...
What more can you ask for?
A JOB!!!!!
I need to start working on my CV ASAP and start looking.
Hopefully, the other man in my life (Marcello)
will come with me in september.
Marcello and I, have been friends for more than 10 years.
WOW, I'm getting old. FUKK!
Well.... that's all for me at the moment.
There you have some of my thoughts and plans for today.
We'll see what happens tomorrow :P

Where does the wind take me?

My only problem in this life is money.
(isn't it like that with everyone?)
I see myself as a very free spirit, being where I am today.
What I did so far during this year, have been one of the biggest challenges in my life.
And really trying to STAY here without having a 100 % income is hard.
That's why I'm doing a TEFL course, to become an english teacher.
I CAN'T manage to survive on Yoga. I'm sad to say it.
Maybe if I get a teaching job in Chiang Mai and yoga at the same time?
But there is still so much stuff that I need to go through...
And when it comes to my own practice too. I don't know if I'm ready.
To get a job on an island like Samui or Phangan after the course is hard.
It's easier to get a job on main land. But I don't want to work on main land.
I want to be on Koh Phangan. That's my island.
Just like Isla Mujeres is "my island"
I can get a job everywhere in the world, but I am not done with Thailand.
Today I'm opening up my own bank account.
That's a big step.
But I'm still not convinced about if I'm going to go home for 2 months
and take my drivers licence and go back, or if I'm just going to stay here...?
It seems to me that, enjoying a Swedish summer, see my friends,
fix some paperwork and go back in september and have a job waiting
for me when I come back... seems better...
I just have to be 100 % that the work will be there when I come. 
That's my money waiting.
I'm just afraid of being stuck. In Sweden.
So, I'm thinking... Booking my trip back to Thailand already would be a good idea.
And taking my drivers licence would be a really good idea.
Specially since I paid for it already.
I let the universe decide for me.
Shiva, I need your help.

Test after test

Hello friends...
The last week have deffinitely been challenging to me. Spiritual.
Since my friends arrived, I noticed a lot of things "being in the way" over my practise.
I even cancelled 2 yoga classes I was suppose to hold (today and 2 days ago)
Because of what...
Today is one of those days. Tired and lazy days.
Yesterday was kind of the same, but I have my reasons.
Yesterday I just thought I was lazy but not feeling so well.
But this morning when I woke up, my throat was swollen and I could barely breath.
That's why I had to cancel my class today.
I went to the same clinic that Annica is in and I have tonsillitis. YAY! :( 
I think that it must have been something with Annicas virus or something.
Jesse felt bad when he left too.
My lungs are fine tho, so that's good news.
I am very connected with Annica, my best friend.
When she is sick, I am sick. 
When she is sad, I am sad and so on.
Now, we are both happy and enjoy our friendship in a clinic
in Haad Rin here on Koh Phangan. 
It's a nice memory together... again.
Why go to the beach when you can stay in the hospital together?
We laugh about it.
I went there to see her, and checked myself at the same time.
I had a light fever and felt bad,
so I went to the bed next to her in the hospital and passed out.
Woke up, ordered some food and then were on the computer for a while.
Now I'm home again.
That was my day...
Oh, yeah.. we watched Animal Planet too.
A cat guy, who loves cats. Like the whole day. Crazy cat guy!
When I came home I went straight down to the nudist beach,
took a swim and watched the sunset.
And far away (at Samui maybe) there was a really nice lightening to sit and watch.
I love this place. I can't believe I'm leaving it... for a month.
I'll be back here again though... 
But, I'm going to miss it. A LOT!
So... Fullmoon. 
Fullmoon was crazy. I had so much fun.
And all I had during the whole night and morning was 5 beers and one bacardi breezer.
I was just dancing all morning...
til sunrise and then continued until 10.00 when they turned off the music.
Me and a Canadian guy stayed on the beach until 12.00 or something.
I am very receptive with other peoples energies so all the high people
on E or what ever they have been taking, 
it felt like some of their energy have been pushed over to me.
Which was great. I felt awake and happy! It was crazy!
I remember some people asking me what I was on....
My answer to that was: I'm a YOGI! :)
I came home soking wet in white clothes and sand in my pockets.
Sun was hot and I was tired by that time.
I slept 2 hours and got up again.
I couldn't get that Canadian out of my head.
He made me laugh so hard and he was very confident with himself.
Which I like. A lot. 
But you know, backpackers... 
Now I'm going to start packing my stuff.
I'm out of here in 2 days. TWO DAYS!
Smell u later

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