ૐ It's just me ☼ Lee Lee ૐ ☮ ♥

After a wild boat and bus ride for 18 hours or so, I was exausted.
The boat from Koh Phangan to Koh Samui was harder then I thought.
For my skin!
I forgot how sunburned you could get being on a boat.... without sunscreen.
When we arrived in Surathani I was red as a lobster.
You are now more then welcome to call me PINCHY.
And I have to say that during my WHOLE trip (almost 9 months),
I have not got really sun burned at all.
(not like this)



When arriving on the bus, I started to watch AVATAR!
What a great movie. Thumbs up!
I want to be an Avatar!!!!

After a while I started to feel sick.
Sweaty, cold, headache, stomache pain etc etc.
WHAT? How? Why?

Was this because of the sun earlier?
Or the fact that I had to concentrate to watch the TV in the bus from far distance?
Something I ate? Maybe the driving?
Or a mix of everything together? I guess so.

My ass was numb. My neck was stiff.
It wasn't like I could do Yoga on the bus.
I hate long bus rides. All I could think of was Adeline.
When we took the bus to Chiang Mai.
I still feel bad for some things.....

When I arrived in Bangkok 04:30 am I walked down to Apple guesthouse.
The place I stayed before, where I started my journey in september last year.
The place was empty. I knocked on the door.
No one opened. I knocked again and "Mad dog" came out.
He lost alot of weight.
I don't know if he recognized me, but I was to tired to chat at the moment.
So I went to bed right away.

I woke up from something sounded like a dog toy,
but it was the sound of a baby walking around with
those funny squeeze things underneithe the shoes.
Very annoying in longterm.
So there I was, back at the place where I started.
Things seemed so different. (And they are too)
I went for breakfast.
I looked at the round table outside.
There was no one sitting there.
Not even Mister Burns.
And all the beer in the fridge was still there...
You could see a smile on my face.
No Frix, no Sofie, no Tim, no Adeline, no Sebastian.
Just me!
The smell from the wooden house hitted my nostrils and
memories suddenly flashed by in my head.
A feeling of lonelyness hitted me.

I miss them. I do, and I don't deny it.
I've lied enough. Mostly to myself and I won't do that anymore.
Ever again.
Something that started so good, ended up so wrong.
The 3 amigos went different ways and there is nothing to do about it.
But the GOOD memories I had with them,
I will always keep in my heart. Always.


First day in Bangkok 11 september 2009!
The reunion of the 3 amigos from Mexico.
Tim, me and Adeline....

A memory that always will last. Inside.

Peace out.

 

The bags are packed! The room feels so empty.

Koh Phangan is the best place I visited in Thailand, without any doubt.

So, if you are going to Thailand, this is the place I recomend.

Many people connect other people that they have met during their

vacation to the place they have visited.

And so that place become their new favorite place.

But that's not how I think.

And since I've actually been alone here on this beautiful island,

I can't connect it with anyone else. (Not more then Yoga practise haha)

 

But how can an island like this have so many desert beaches,

be so beautiful, have so many un-touched areas,

be so quiet, calm and peaceful and no major traffic.

And the best – NO IDIOTS!

Just some weirdos, but all people I've met have been NICE!

I haven't been down at Haad Riin,

where all the other tourists spend their time and go to the fullmoon part....

Maybe that's why?

 

 

I stay on the relaxed little hippie side.

Well, the whole island is a bit hippie like, and that's more my style.

Just like Isla Mujeres. The weird Island with weird people haha.

I love it and I'm going to miss this place actually.

The first place in Thailand that really attracted me.

 

I liked Phi Phi too, but that was more of a party attraction and meeting people.

Over here I can be myself and I don't have to worry about anything.

There are NO problems at all!

 

Oh well, there is only ONE problem right now....

And that is that all the ATM machines doesn't work since the island

didn't have electricity for a whole day.

I'm leaving tomorrow and have 20 baht

in my wallet and have to pay for my bike and a taxi tomorrow

So, HOPEFULLY the ATM start to work tomorrow morning.....

 

Otherwise: BIG POMPEM TOMOLLO!

(big problem tomorrow) haha...

---

Later update.

Haven't had any music to listen to lately since my phone got stolen.
And Spotify doesn't work here (or on my computer)
But YOUTUBE does!!!
And WOW, I forgot the feeling with awesome music just pumping in your ears.
Goosebumps on the skin and you just feel like standing up on a table and go nuts!!!!!
(Oh I miss those days hahaha)
Like there is nothing else in the world that mattered....
And you didn't even cared if you fell down. Music is a trans for me.
When I say that I have to be specific that I mean GOOD MUSIC.
Music with feeling, flow and movement. Music that is ALIVE!!!!
(And I can shake my ass to)

I thought about MUSIC when we did music meditation in the Yoga class.....
They said that you have to listen to calm and relaxed music, and more symphonies etc.
And that all other stuff is not good for you. blah blah blah...
Yes, maybe for meditation and relaxation....

But no matter what, NO ONE can tell me that House music is not good to listen to.
I will NEVER stop listening to electro, house or heavy dubstep.
Yeah, Dubstep is nice. I like it. Not many that like it, but I do!
I love music and it gets me going.... I feel good with music.

I want to dance now. Dance dance dance...(like a kitty cat haha)
I see myself dancing my ass off on Annicas birthday
when we are going to have a nice reunion wiith the girls.
Looking forward to it alot. :)

UNTIL THEN LADIES, I give you this.....

 

Not so many days left now.

I have today and tomorrow left on Koh Phangan then I leave for Bangkok.

Back to Apple guesthouse, where I started my trip almost 9 months ago.

Seems like it was years ago....

 

Today I've been hanging out with a dog on the beach.

(True friendship you know haha)

I was remembered about the dog Miwa, the dog on the Pirate Camp in Phuket.

Then 3 other male dogs came and entertained me as well.

One of them tried to hump my little friend.

What a GAY DOG!

 

I also picked up trash from the sea... Bottles and cans!

That's at least what I could do today, this really boring day!

 

When I left, my dog friend followed me.

I don't think he knew where to go, poor baby.

And after watching Earthlings yesterday I felt sad.

The other dogs barked at him because he walked into their territory.

He walked close to me so the other dogs wouldn't attack him.

When we were out on the street, I almost didn't want to take my bike and leave.

But I did, almost with a tear in my eye.

The dog followed me about 2 blocks and then just stood in the middle

of the road watching me ride away... And him with a questionmark in his head.

I wanted to take him and make him mine, but we all know that's not possible.

So I went to 7 eleven and bougt a pack of hotdogs and took the bike back to the dog.

He walked around and looked very confused and lost.

I gave him all the hot dogs and then I left him.

That's the only thing I could do to help today....With food.

Sometimes I wish that the people in Asia

could treat their pets like we do in Europe and USA.

And actually have them as PETS!

 

Take care everyone.
Tuddeluuu...

Since all the electricity on Koh Phangan went out

because of the lightning and storm we had yesterday,

unfortunatly the internet stopped working as well.

 

So.... there I sat in the dark. What could I do now?

Nothing, absolutely nothing!

Wow, we humans are really depended on electricity.

That was my thought.

What if we were 100 years back in time right now?

Just sit and wait it out?

 

I mean, at home we sit in our appartment and whine,

watch a movie or tv and drink a cup of coffee while it's raining outside...

and whine a little bit more because it's raining. (always this whining)

Also because we are lucky to HAVE electricity where I live.

But here? BLACK! Darkness!

And no one was whining.....

 

I sat in the door to the reception on a chair and just looked out on the rain and lightning.

A dog came up to me and sat down beside me, trying to hide from the rain.

It was poring down, you couldn't see further then couple of meters away.

Total darkness. I saw some torches and flashlights.

The family that owns the building I live in were ready to leave.

They said that the electricity wouldn't come back.

What about me then? I have no light or candles in my room.

 

There were a german girl who left her raincoat on the bike,

had no lights on the bike and no flashlight

except from her phone (just like me).

So I went upstairs and I gave her my raincoat.

I will not bring it back home to Sweden anyway.

There, I made her evening a little bit better.

And mine as well because she was happy and that was all that mattered to me.

She wanted to give me money but I insisted

that she should just take it and said NO to the money!

 

Anyway, I got a oil torch from the family.

It smelled like gasoline.

That strong smell that my nose can recognize from miles away.

They said not to worry, it's just oil.

But I don't trust the Thai's when it comes to that really.

They mix all kind of weird stuff.

And they didn't know that the smell brought up traumatic pictures in my head.

I smelled it again, and again, and again... The smell was everywhere.

In a short moment I got a flashback.

In my head I was back at the hospital, under the zink of ice cold water.

Shivering and full of pain. Then I was back in real life again.

I putted the torch somewhere safe.

Went in to the bathroom to take a shower but I could still smell it.

I was thinking about the torch and suddenly there were a big noise.

Like something exploaded in the room, or something very very heavy fell down.

But there was nothing. Everything was on the same place, all plugs were safe

and the torch was safe and haven't moved a bit. Paranoid?

But slowly I took it out and putted it outside the door instead.

It felt more safe for me to have it there in some way.

One thing is for sure. I am very careful with fire nowdays.

And I learned a lesson not to play with it, ever again.

It's not easy to be a pyromaniac you know...

 

 

Yes, it's me. 1999.

 

This is one of the things that I'm gonna invest in when I come home.
A cup. You use it to do CUPPING MASSAGE.
(Koppningsmassage)
Mostly for the connective tissue in your body.

What is the technology behind the Cup and Cupping massage?
The concept is to work with vacuum.
That way you have the unique ability to destroy but to extract
the blood capillary walls into the connective tissue,
which then signals the body that there is something strange in the system.
The immune system then starts a cleansing process (known as lymphatic drainage)
and the production of self-medication (hormones) to balance the system (homeostasis).

Annica, this is a mission for you to help me with when I come home.
And I will do it on you as well.
It hurts like a MOTHER FUCKER *excuse my language* but it's worth it.
I've allready started to do alot like this during my cleansing with Yoga,
but some "shit" is still stuck under the tissue (ex, on the thighs and hips)
which can be really hard to get rid of.

I tried it before when I went to my old gym (Goodlife).
Göran tried it on my legs, since I had a really painful time to run.
And it helped alot, but like I said - painful.
So I contacted Göran and he gave me the info where to get them.
Sweet...

A swedish expression for that: Om du vill vara fin får du lida pin!
(If you want to feel nice, you have to suffer...)

I just sat and google images of babies with afro because
I think that babies with a fluffy hair are soooo cute.
In the middle of all the black / half black cuties
my eyes lightened up and I saw this blond ANGEL.....

OMG She is soooooo adorable!!!!
I just want to steal her.



GIVE MEEEEE!

Just a little thought...

For those who doesn't know about chakras,
I guess that this isn't something interesting for you to read! (?)
BUT, If you are more interested in it, you can read more HERE!

When you realize what the different types of chakras with energy you have in your body
and when you know what they mean, you think more about it and can connect
different types of persons to which chakra dominates them.
When someone say something or act in a special way,
automaticly I think : Oh, she is on manipura or svadistana or what ever.
80 % of the world are more or less dominated by the Svadistana chakra. (above the genitals)
I've been there too. Still am, but not dominated! :D
Most people are mostly connected with 3 chakras, and most of the time it's the lower ones.
And no one is connected to any of them to 100 %.
And it's very very very rare that someone is dominated by Ajna,
(middle of the forhea) or the crown chakra.
I've noticed that I have blockages,
I know it will take time but the more practise the more result.
And the higher up I can go and strenght my other chakras.
Working on Anahata alot, (heart chakra)
But it's difficult sometimes when you give and people
cannot recieve it. There is nothing greater then Love, that's all we got!

Well, just a little word for today.
Time to get a sunburn on the other side today haha.
Ciao.

I spendt my day on the beach today.
An actual beach where I could swim...WOHO!
And sometimes the wind fools you
and the result is a great sunburn....

I guess that I have to be lucky not to have a flash on my
web cam so you actually could SEE how red I am.
I have to work on my tan before going home to Sweden ey!

I also took my "holy scarf" and putted it around my head instead of my neck.
So now I look like a old cleaning lady.
But who cares? It is really comfertable anyway :)



Me me me me me me me me meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....



Now I'm gonna try to work on my headstand without a Yoga mat.
We'll see how that goes...
HA.

I met the massage girl today that called me fat but pretty couple of weeks ago.

She is soooo cute. :)

She remembered me and wonder when I would come the next time.

The moment she was going to ask for my name again,

I turned around and she saw my tattoo and then we both laughed and she said:

- Aaaaaaahhhh Leeeeeeeee!! I remember!

She grabbed my fat on the stomache and pulled it at the side and said:

- Go away, go away, go away!

The we laughed together again.

She blessed my stomache and wished that my fat would disapair. HAHAHA...

That's ok, I wish that too. As long as I've got my tits and ass still there, I'm happy!

Her massage is more of a therapy and exercise because

I've never had a Thai massage the way she does it.

Up, down, back, forward, twist & turn.

Sometimes you feel like a big baby balancing on her legs.

(She even dresses you afterward haha)

But she does it absolutely the best!!!!

 

After that, I went to town and bought food for the rest of the week.

So I know that I'll manage during the rest of my stay.

I've decided that my boat and bus trip to Bangkok is going to be my fastingday! :)

I sat down at the weird table at the food market.

But there were no weird people around today.

 

I had the usual - Fresh Carrot / Orange / Ginger shake

and a fried rice with vegetable. All this for 50 baht! :D

 

I felt such a strong happyness inside of me when I sat there.

I LOVE Koh Phangan!

I don't ever wanted this feeling to go away with happyness.

It was a long time ago I had a smile like that on my face.

I noticed that people smiled back at me and even said Hello to me,

even if I didn't look at them... Some even waved at me!

Thailand has very good sides when it comes to the people :)

And that made me smile even more.

 

7 days left today, until I'm home again.

I can't wait anymore..... I wanna go noooow!

Love to everyone.

One thing is for sure...
My MANIPURA chakra is getting stronger.
Because my ego is getting stronger ever day!!! :D







I am lucky. I am happy. I am here. Now. Today.
Not yesterday and not tomorrow. Now in this moment!
I am surrounded by angels and guides. Everything is perfect.
Calmness, security and love is spreading.
I have a smile on my face that no one can take away from me.
Let this be for ever.

Maybe I am the angel?
I think I am the angel.... So be careful with me.

fragile.

I'm sitting here and celebrate my graduation of my

month course of 150 hours of practise of Yoga with a Schweppes Manao.

(Only avalible in Asia??) Schweppes with lime.

Best Schweppes ever!!!

 

Today was the last day of the first month intensive course in Yoga.

Sad to leave this place but in the same time I am happy to move on.

Move on HOME!

If you don't know it by now, I've choosed myself to lay low with

the social life during the time I did the course.

To focus more and find my way back to myself again. Alone.

That's what I needed. So I practicly stayed in my room for a month.

Believe it or not. Some people find this weird.

I do too actually, because normally I would never do this kind of stuff.

But I am actually really tired of so many things

and I just wanted to focus on myself and no one else.

It have been hard and lonely but I had to do it. For myself.

Finally when you are ready for a social life again,

it's very hard to join into a group that is allready made.

Everybody knew everyone by now, except me. Or at least it felt like that.

It felt like I didn't fit in anyway, so I choosed to still lay low.

 

Well, anyway....

Morning practise was the final practise during our course.

Our Cermony with Swami were at the Shakti hall.

I took my bike, I found the green hall and then I didn't found much more.

I went on and on. Nothing. I had went to far, so I had to go back.

Up and down 5 million hills.... (Kill me pls)

 

During the cermony we all got blessed by Swami

with ash that was a mix of 3 different types of wood.

He then putted it on our forhead while he blessed us.

We also got a neckless with flowers and plasticballs(?),

a muffin and a white thred that he tied around our hand for luck & bless.

And of course I forgot my camera in my room. :(

 

 

We then got a textile bag with the Agama logo, an Agama DVD,

Buissness cards, stickers, tanktop with the logo and

the CERTIFICATION of course! :)

Then some of the students performed some

dancing, singing, read stories or poetry.

 

Certification.

Tank top!

 

The white thred from Swami, and my other band from a Buddist in Kuala Lumpur.

Last one is a Chinese coin, for my year of the OX is going to bring me wealth.

So the things I wear has a meaning after all... HA!

 

The textile bag.... and my feets. haha.

My display on the camera still doesn't work, that's why!

When everyone performed, I realized that I had a new fear...

Stage fright! (I totally forgot it)

To stay in front of a crowd, in the centre totally FREAKS ME OUT!

Some people may not believe this,

but then maybe I had a strong ego made out of ALCOHOL at the time! (?)

But just the thought about it made my heart beat faster and faster.

Even going up to Swami made me nervous.

 

That thought took me back to my younger days in school.

Me and Jeimy (if I don't remember it wrong)

were supposed to go up on stage in front of the school

in some mascerade costumes or something.

I freaked out when I heard other people talking shit

about them there were allready on the stage.

And since then I never wanted to enter a stage again.... Sad.

But before that we did a play in school and I was the head actress....

(Or what you call it)

So let's change that fear, NOW!!!

It's now time for Lee to become a rockstar and sing in front of 40,000 people.

HAHAHAHAAAAAAA..... Or not!

I am amazed by those people who does it.

Now I just have to figure something out, how to let go of this fear.

And being drunk in a kareoke bar doesn't count!

 

The thing is that I can't sing, and I can't play any

instrument or any type of dancing, acting or what ever...

Soooooo.... HELP ME OUT?

 

It's now time to go into town...

C YA!

Second day of 3 I do my TAPAS.

15 min with concentration of the mind.

After 11 min both days I stopped and looked

at the time and wonder when I am finished.

Still no difference. No ball. Nothing.

 

It's THERE, then it's NOT THERE!

We got INITIATED yesterday and we got ourself our own MANTRA.

We stood up each one of us and our teacher touched our forhead

with his thumb and did something that I don't know what it was....?

Initiated us I guess hahaha... sending energy?

This is a very powerful gift, which I am very glad to receive.

People at home even pay money to receive this mantra.

 

Well, then we did it. Repeated our mantra (in the head).

And tried to listen to a sound.

Sound? Nothing. Nada! I feel retarded!

You are now welcome to call me idiot!

We also did Yoga Nidra, which is the Yoga of mystic conscious sleep.

Cool and interesting but Nothing! Or I don't know???

I have a blockage. EVERYWHERE!?

Well, I'm working hard on it anyway and it goes better every day.

I NEVER GIVE UP, that's for sure!

This things can take alot of time apparently,

so maybe I am not THAT retarded after all hahaha!

 

I did my first headstand today anyway. YAAAAY!

Almost everyone that never done it before (and for the safety)

had the wall behind us.

Today I managed to balance without the wall

(even if it still were behind me)

Hard to balance though, focus and the weight

was a bit of a problem when you have to lay the

weight on the shoulders and not the neck.

My arms and shoulders is not the best, yet.

It can be a bit difficult but Matthew McConaughey, ehm, I mean Jason... helped me.

 

It's NOW I start to get into this, it's NOW that I don't want to stop.

It's NOW when I start to love this and it's NOW I warm up my body for this.

IT'S NOW THINGS STARTS TO HAPPEN GOD DAMN IT!!!!

NOW WHAT? I don't ever ever ever want to stop!

I've actually thinking about to become a teacher later on....

But I am not ready for that yet. But it's on my mind.....ALOT!

 

Agama – I will be back, that's for sure!

This is one of the best experiences I had in a long long long time.

I have only ONE man to thank that for... And he know his name.

Until then I think YogaKendra is a next mission at home.

Me and Michel can be Yoga buddies MOUHAHAHA!

 

Good night Thailand, it's bed time.

Apparently the best time to sleep is between 22:00 – 04:00

I am way past 22:00 so I better put this baby to sleep (computer).

 

Later folks!

I have a friend that I don't see that often.

His name is Jan and we used to work together in Denmark.

This amazing human being is a person that has one of the

most positive attitude I ever seen in my life.

He is kind, smart, funny and has a great humor.

He is AMAZING and you can't do anything else then love this guy.

No matter what situation he is in, he makes it and he is so strong.

I admire this guy so much, and to have been through what he has been through

and still have a smile on his face and go to work, IS TOTALLY AMAZING!

He is one of those people that understands that money isn't everything.

He is generous and full of love and he respect the person who respects him.

Even if I don't speak to this guy every day, and haven't been for many months.

I had him on my mind many times.

My phone got stolen so I don't know his number.

I've been wondering how he is and I've actually have been a bit worried about him.

 

But TODAY I finally got a friend request from him on facebook.

So my thoughts went through to him after all :)

And this beautiful man wrote me one thing:

”You have always been beautiful, but God what a woman you are in your heart”

Somehow that comment made me really emotionell.

It felt so deep and so real.

Maybe because I know what he is saying, comes from his heart!?

 

 

And by writing this, is not sexual or any interest of him in that way,

and not from him either (for sure).

He is a friend, actually one I really care much about even if we don't talk much.

And since he is not really interested in girls I don't have

to worry about that either...haha.

 

JAN. I Love you man!

WEHOOOO.... Now we're talking!!!!

What happened? I dropped my skirt when I tried it on!
I think I need a belt from now on! :D
Still working hard, what if I stayed here for 1 year instead of 1 month?
Oh yeah I love it....



Goodmorning picture...
My brown hair is not so brown anymore.
Goodmorning SUN BLEECHED!

And I counted the water I'm drinking....
80 liters of water in one month isn't that bad huh?

I was thinking about a thing that an old friend told me not long ago.

We were talking about another woman that we knew.

She is very athletic but after pregnancy she only does Yoga.

She is still very slim and fit and eat healthy.

 

He said something like: Now she is ”JUST” a Yoga-Mom!

So what does that mean? To be ”Just” a Yoga-mom?

And what is WRONG with that?

What is bad about Yoga? Please tell me!

I don't see anything bad, and I never had.

 

Accept when I was with this ”friend” that talked me into

that the guys on the beach do Yoga just to get girls.

I think he was just jealous (?)

Well, it's possible that it's a girl magnet maybe for those who are not really serious about it.

But maybe it shows something how mature and smart you are?

Also called confidence and self respect!?

I do agree that it looks a bit funny when they sit on the beach where it's 79 other people

and do Asanas and meditation.

If I would do it on a beach, I would do it where there is no people, or at least less.

Anyway, she is (or it seems like) to be very comfertable, peaceful and nice person.

Apparently her husband didn't like this, and neither did my old friend?

She stopped with all her athletic sports to just be around her kid and do Yoga.

Isn't that nice? She is a fantastic woman,

and she is very smart and clever even if we didn't talk so much.

I didn't see the problem in her, I saw the problem in them.

 

And I also can see clearly now, why we are not friends anymore.

 

I feel totally retarded when it comes to Love nowdays.

I do have so many feelings and alot of love to my friends.

But when it comes to the opposite sex, I don't know how to act anymore.

I almost forgot what it is..

 

Can someone tell me?

 

 

In this moment I miss this and would do anything to get this.....

Just to get a hug from someone would mean so much.

A real hug. The one that lasts for more then 30 sec.

A hug that you actually can feel the other persons love from.

To be held by someone at night, or hold someone.

Sniff or kiss someones neck and touch his / her face.

Someone who can look deep into your eyes.

That strikes my hair, touches my nose.

Be close to you, and there for you when you need it.

You have a shoulder to cry on when you need it.

And you are not afraid of it.

You can walk around without make up and he can say that you look amazing.

Someone who is proud of you and want to show you to the world.

When you talk with your eyes.

When there is alot of passion.
Someone that can touch your shoulder when passing by,

kiss your forhead in the morning,

grab your hand while walking or even smacks your ass with a smile.

Who respect and love you for the one you are.

 

And have a smile that is real.

A person that is for real.

When you can look at eachother for hours.

And feel that 2 becomes one.

You should be the best for eachother!

 

Is that what you call love?

 

 

Oh I miss that feeling. I miss to hold someone in my arms...

Todays lecture I recognized myself.

I was almost laughing.

 

I am one of those people that tries and tries but some stuff

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!

It's there, I have the information, people tell me, I can read or what ever.

I understand, BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

 

Do you get me?

How the F*ck CAN IT BE SO HARD?

 

This is when I feel really stupid and I want to burst out in tears.

Some people understand right away, without problem.

But sometimes I DON'T!

 

It's also called KARMA!

Some people are just not READY to do some stuff.

And it can take time, when you later work on the karma a bit

you look back and ask myself:

How come I didn't understand this the first time?

The same thing with our Karma Yoga teacher,

who also is a doctor and very spirituel intelligent woman.

She read a book about Karma Yoga when she started.

She didn't understand a word.

After a while, she read the book and understand it perfect.

 

It's the power of ignorance.

Even if you don't want to ignore it, it's the work of the karma.

 

So if you miss things, don't get it or just have lack of something...

It's karma baby. Problem solved. Work on it, until next time.

 

I know for sure why I don't find myself a guy. Karma. Say no more.

Ciao

Have you ever wondered how it would feel like to face the death?

Or let go of your fears?

For exemple: When you are afraid, but you wonder how it would feel like

to let go of the break on your bicycle, down the big hill.

 

When you feel that you are ALIVE and it's awesome!

 

First time I did this (it's a great exemple actually)

I had sooo much adrenalin in my body. And I survived.

That rush, that feeling, to just be alive is awesome!

To be afraid and realize that it's not bad after all....

You let go of everything around you and just DO IT!

It's simple, but it's BIG!

But I also knew that IF something went wrong,

I could have been ended up dead. But I accepted it.

 

I always tell myself: If I die now, I'll die happy at least!

 

I started to face my fears when I was a kid.

I was very afraid of snakes but nobody knew.

One day we were at the Planetarium at Folkets Park and our ”guide”

placed a long green snake on my body.

I didn't dear to say anything because then I would have

made a fool of myself in front of my friends haha.

I remember it so clear.

 

My heart was beating faster and faster, I couldn't move.

I totally freezed, and I my whole body got cold and white.

(Lucky it was winter so nobody noticed haha)

I had a white big winter jacket and the snake went inside from one arm,

under my jacket, and out through the other arm. Harmless.

I couldn't do much more then laugh, because it tickled me :P

Since that day, I wasn't afraid of snakes anymore.

 

And since that day I thought that :

If I do like this with all my fears I would be fearless.

I was around 8 at the time....And I was right!

The smart little blondie was right, believe me or not!

 

Today I am fearless and that's the truth.

Even if it has been taking a long time.

I'm a bit slow, we all know that haha.

But I manage sooner or later.... :)

It does happen that I find new fears though, then I do what I can :)

 

Good Luck everyone!

 

 

Todays lecture was about TAPAS. And not the tapas you EAT!
(even if that would be nice haha)
It's the promise you make to yourself, without breaking it.
You probably heard everyone saying at New Year for exemple
that they will stop smoking or go to the gym every day etc etc.
I SAY: BULLSHIT!

Don't make a promise if you can't hold it..
WORDS ARE POWERFUL!!! (remember that)
And lying to yourself is one of the worst things you can ever do!
So the easiest thing is NOT TO MAKE ANY PROMISES!

Because IF you break them, it will be harder the next time you try.
Laura also said "If you fail, tripple it the next time"

and you will never fail again haha...
It's something you do for YOURSELF
and not for someone else or to show off and do it for attention.
That is not the TAPAS meaning...

If you are a person who has a hard time with this kind off stuff,
set the MINIMUM limit for yourself.
For ex: Instead of saying that you are going to stop smoking for the rest of your life,
start with 1 day, or maybe just even 12 hours or less. You know yourself the best.
But don't make a fool of yourself and do it too easy.

If you make your TAPAS, your WILL POWER will slowly get stronger and stronger.
But the more you break it, the harder it gets.
For exemple: If you drink beer everyday, try to drink beer every 3 days instead.
And from there work yourself up.

I do this stuff all the time, but I never heard about Tapas

and I didn't know it effected my will power. GOOD!
I love it, but I do fail sometimes as well. :(
So now I shorter my limits so they are reasonable.

To start with I have to say that I have been totally sober for over a month.

And my misson is 2 months.
That includes cigarettes, drugs and I do try hard with the meat but it's not a promise.
The only drug I take is coffee, once a week!?

I also have to make a TAPAS for tomorrow since I'm going to bed soon.
And that is: FASTING tomorrow! ONLY WATER!
Last time actually went really good.

And I have to work on my MONKEY BRAIN!!!!
Do concentration of the mind with the pinpong ball,

15 min for 3 days to start with.
I told myself to do it every day, but every time I look at it,
I find so many other things so much more interesting.

I am (or can be when I want to be) LAZY OK?!

And I have one more TAPAS:

Read those websites I told myself to read when I had the time.

In this moment all I do is write and facebooking...(adicted)

 

You guys should look at my room, it's a mess!

And sometimes I just sit and stare. Seriously.

Just right out in the blue, stareing at nothing.

At least I started to read more books now anyway.

But I still have a hard time with it if I'm not fully interested in it.
Maybe I am interested. But how would I know if I don't take the time?

The subject have to "awesome" before I read it.

I try my best anyway. I will never give up.

 

Enjoy and try doing it yourself!

THE GODESS IS ME AND SHE IS LUCKY!

I've been thinking about how lucky I am.

I am so lucky to have made it so far in life.

Experienced those things I've done, is something people dream of.

To have made it and changed my ticket back home again.

First time I stayed in Mexico longer then I planned to.

And now, again. Without money.

People ask me: How can you travel that much?

How can you afford to do it?

And my favorite : How do you do it, what is your secret?

Well, to be honest.....

I am lucky because I let go of all the attachments I had.

Had a positive attitude. Wanted to face all my fears.

And so I did, I took THE step outside of the box and actually DID IT!

THAT'S MY SECRET!

And money?

I barely had none, and yes it have been a big problem.

But I am still lucky, because I am still here.

I got myself one of the best jobs I had in my life, but it wasn't enough.

It wasn't right for me, but I had to try it because that's what I wanted.

 

To not have any money isn't easy either.

But it made me think alot.

I learned, again, how to think different when it comes to money.

Money can't buy happiness (or love). Just for a second maybe haha.

I am rather poor and happy then rich and unhappy.

What I've done for the last year is what people dream of doing, but never do.

Todays people are just afraid. They have excuses.

"I have a kid, I have a job, I have a dog, I have a appartment etc etc."

It's only fear from life. From being alive.

 

Some people even think that I am crazy. But why?

Because I am strong enough and do it myself? Isn't currage bigger?

I am lucky because I realized that I've been thinking the wrong way for many years.

I was negative and didn't believe anything.

I didn't trust anyone or believed in love.

But that was the way I thought it was and how I grew up. With people living in lies.

 

When I started to change my thinking I noticed the effect from people.

The more positive I went, the more positive people I attracted.

And my old negative friendships with many people,

I placed on a shelf in the past.

 

Of course I can still be negative or have negativity in me.

It's not something that goes away over a day.

When I came home from Mexico, I barely had any money.

But my positive attitude helped me a bit.

I got myself a job after a week at home and I still received money from the goverment.

I got myself a room in a awesome appartment with 2 cool guys.

I did not have much money but somehow I got back money from the tax

so I could save some more money and buy a trip to Thailand.

And now been away for 8 months. 8 MONTHS!!!!

I also realized one thing during this trip.

"THERE IS NO PACE LIKE HOME!"

I am actually acting like a child that is going on vacation right now.

You know when you pack your bags 2 weeks before leaving.

Clap your hands and walk around with happiness!

That's how much I want to go home right now.

But I also know that when I come home with joy and love,

everything is going to be exactly the same. Same ol', same ol'.

And that's why I have been afraid of going home.

I really think that you have to be away to realize this kind of stuff.

 

One more thing.... When I get kids... (IF)

I'm gonna tell them to TRY EVERYTHING!

Otherwise you don't know what you're missing or where to fit in or have experience of life.

 

I am Lucky to live a life like this....

Practise makes perfect.

I love it.

As I started to read the book "The Game" by Neil Strauss,
MANY thoughts were running through my head....
I have not read alot yet, but I thought - Is this for real?
As I continued my reading,
I tried to connect the book with myself and guys that I've met through the years.
And I've met a couple of good actors with many secrets.
Smart men but yet so stupid.

I realized that I actually know guys like this.
Then I continued to wonder.....HAVE THEY READ THIS BOOK????
Or maybe THE RULES OF THE GAME????
Are they one of them? Maybe they are even in the book?
I actually had to look it up online,
see images of Neil Strauss and the other people from the book to believe it.
Lucky, it wasn't some of the guys I know HAHA.

I know I've heard about the book before.
From a guy that was reading it and thought it was awesome.
I just can't remember who it was. I wasn't impressed anyway.



READ ABOUT THE BOOK ---------->>>>> HERE!!!!

Then I just felt stupid. I've been in the game.
But you know what they say: "DON'T HATE THE PLAYER, HATE THE GAME".
I've lost many times, but I have won many times as well.

I then realized that I played it myself, with others.
For those who know me well, maybe knows that I lived my "wild life"
when I was between 17-21 y.o. When I did everything and a bit more.
That's also a reason why I sometimes think that the people in my
age are boring and just want to party.
Been there done that - Too many times!

I also realized that it doesn't give me anything to live a life like that.
Sometimes you get of track, but slowly find your way back in the end.
Why play a pointless game?

I've always had older friends, more experience and always felt older then I am.
Sometimes I say "I'm too old for that". With that I mean that I've done it before
and don't want to do it again.
People always respond: "But you are so young, come on".
THAT'S NOT WHAT I MENT!!!

And some people think it's because I think that I am better and smarter then them.
WRONG. I am in the same age and I don't think I'm better then anyone else.
Some stuff is just not fun anymore when you've done it over and over again.
You need new adrenalin. From something else.

That's it for me today....

And by the way : ZEBRA means quality.

There I was, on the drunken island of the lost.
Sober and clear.
And when you are sober you actually UNDERSTAND
that you have weird conversations...
This is one of the most weirdest concersations I've had in a really long time.
I wasn't so interested of talking to the guy but somehow he told me his whole life story.
And I almost didn't say a word?

Yeah, people really do know how to open up to me!
I'm a good listener :)
Do I attract weirdos or what?
It's not like it start with "Hi, how are you" and the normal stuff...
No it hasto be odd ok?

Guy: Look at that guy with the flute, he totally wants so fuck her.

Me: Haha, yeah... ok...?

Guy: She is not stupid so she will not.

Me: Mhm.. ok..

Guy: And look at that guy, he has the fan so close to his dick.

He should go to the doctors instead man, GO TO THE DOCTORS!

And look, he is striking his only hair he got left on the head.

He totally wants to fuck her. Ah well, she is a friend of mine I know her.

She sticks with the flute instead, no I'm just kidding.

She is a good singer!

He is probably going home with a prostitute anyway.

Me: Yes she is good ( then I'm laughing and have no idea what to answer this crazy guy)

Guy: Oh man I need some weed, does anyone got weed?

The guy continues talking about other people

around us and how well he know them.

 

Me: So, have you been on the island a long time or what?

Guy: Too long! 8 years and I'm never gonna go back to London.

Me: 8 years. That's a long time.

Nice, so what do you do for a living then? (I should never ask this question hahaha)

Guy: Oh, alot. I love money. There is no money to make in England anymore,

All the money is in Thailand! I don't want to talk about it really,

listen to the band instead now... haha...

(the guy is quiet for 1 min)

But the last time I had sex I had sex with a spy.

So, that's how much I'm doing. And this was 8 weeks ago.

I had only been wanking of 3 times this weeks. But hey, I just met you.

Don't listen to me, listen to the music.

Oh Sorry I can't clap to this song, not when the flute man is playing.

Me: Oooooooooook....hahaha.....(in shock)

Guy: I'm gonna buy a resort here. Do you know the name *****?

Me: No, Sorry.

Guy: You should, look it up. And then we have the russian maffia....

Today I am alive, I almost got killed yesterday. I have alot of buisness.

And then there is drugs, some LSD, but this is more of a weed place.

I want to open up rave parties next to this place.

Ah, but I don't want to talk about it. It's a long story.

Me: Allright....

Guy: The kid looks cool. But I don't like kids.

Me: You don't like kids?

Guy: No, I mean I like kids but I don't like kids.

Me: What?

Guy: 2 pedofiles tried to make my 3 last months a hell.

Me: OOOOOK!!!

Guy: You don't have to believe me.

Me: I do.

Guy: My friends are too nice, so they never believe what's going on.

My friends in London wasn't nice. But Thailand is great.

I mean, I do have friends...

 

The guy continues and continues talking about his life and his mess.

I don't say a word. And he didn't even wanted to talk about it????

In the same time another guy comes and sits next to me on the other side....

And starts to talk... Oh man how the fuck am I gonna sneak away from this?

 

OH JEEZ!!!

 

First time in almost 2 months I'm wearing make up!!!!
(And a dress) This one is new.
And it's hand made.
Bought it weeks ago but haven't had the chance to wear it.
I'm going out... to drink water and listen to music.
We'll see how many weirdos I find today when I'm sober...
HAHA.

SEE YA'LL!

Today during my trip to town, my lovely Havaiana flip flop broke!
I had no flip flops anymore.
My best flipflops I've been wearing for a year almost non stop is GONE!
I can't walk around with sneakers everyday and neither high heals.
Every time you enter a store in Asia (the smaller ones) you have to take off your shoes.
And to sit for couple of minutes and tie your shoelazes and then take
them off couple of min later again whould be a pain in the ass.

So I walked around in town barefoot. But it was really hot on the ground.
I found a new pair for 25 kronor :) Good ones too!
When I bought them, I saw myself in a keychain!
And couple of other of my friends....
So I bought myself and 3 other friends (souvenirs)
for 25 kronor as well.



50 kronor, all together wasn't bad at all.....

Oh yeah, and my water heater broke too.
And I really need it. So I had to buy a new one :(
60 kronor extra.

BUT. A water heater is one of the best things you can have while traveling.
Took me couple of months until I bought one,
or realized that they were necesairy.
I can do MY OWN tea or coffee in the morning,
heat soup, noodles or what ever needs to be heated by water.

And it's perfect to use tomorrow when I'm gonna try:
SANKA PRAKSALANA!
And if you wonder what that is......
I have ONE word for it and that is: SHIT!



On Koh Phangan you find SLOW CHILDREN!
HAHAHA...


LATER!

Today I bought a SMARTI DRINK!
It even has a lightbowl inside of the head.
WOW! SMART BRAIN it said.

WOW again!
So if I drink this I get smart...
I always wanted to be smarter.



Sorry guys, I don't feel smarter at all....
Gaaaaaaaagaggagaggagaggagahahhhhhhhhhhhahaaaaaaahaaaaaa...
Don't believe everything you buy.... HA!



TARD!

And by the way.
Check this out ok? : http://oil.buzzforbliss.com
http://www.buzz-for-bliss.com

Ciao

Once and a while during your lifetime you are going to meet

a person / persons that you can only look at and you can feel a connection with.

Complete strangers.

Someone you've never met and it feels like you have

known eachother for decades. It's something you can't explain.

Sometimes it's someone you don't even have to speak to, because they allready ”know”.

A "look" is enough.

It's like you are reading eachothers minds.
Who are this people?
And how do they effect you?
This people can turn your life upside down.
Confuse you and leave you without no trace.
Maybe you open up yourself to this stranger, like you never done before.
Do things you've never done before, good or bad.
Help you or destroy you.

Will they ever show up again?

Do you recognize the feeling?
Have it happened to you?
Then you know what I'm talking about.

I've met couple of people like this.

Some of them I still have in my life, and still have a good connection with.

Some of them walked another direction then me in life.

 

And then we have the others, that are not that deep.

During one year, I've met 3 people like this.

2 of this moment were in Turkey and in the marina in Langkawi.

And in both those moments,

I and them both knew how the nights were going to end up.

Before I not even said a word to the persons.

How the story ends with the strangers is another story.

It's those moments when you let everything go around you

and fully enjoy the rollercoaster ride of life.

 

Talking with the eyes is sometimes better then the mouth.

And I guess that I am pretty good with body language ;)

Carolina Gynning says that "Inner beauty won't get you laid!"

I say: WRONG!!!

 

I know I haven't been writing about the Yoga for couple of days.
But I had alot of things going on in my head.
And then the VISA run as well.

I started to think that it's something weird with me,
but somehow always when I wonder about some stuff
we take it up during our daily lecture we have.
I don't even have to ask about it.
It's like a normal reaction, different kind of fases you go through (!?)
I've felt alot of anger lately.
It's part of the purification.
Out with the negativity and in with the positivity :D
I've been pissed off for nothing and I think that everyone are IDIOTS!
I thought: This can't be normal?
From going to be happy and loving one day to hate everything the next.

I'm going nuts over here!
I also have NO NEED of more friends or socialize with someone I don't care about.
I choosed this of my own, but somehow it's like school again.
And I don't like the feeling.
I DON'T LIKE GROUPS, that's the thing!
With other words, I lay very low with the group of people in the course.
I'm grown up though, So I do my thing and I leave.

The only one I think is interesting in this moment, is our teachers.
Which I highly respect and listen to.
Somehow I like Laura alot, when I look at her I just want to hug her.
And Sofia too. I also guess it's because I learn something valueable from them.

I had a thought for couple of days and I asked Laura about it.
What to do AND How to do / react when I'm going home.

My only FEAR of going BACK TO REALITY is:
(With stress, miserable people, problems, normal living,
idiots, gossip, party, drugs etc etc.)

How I would react to this?
What if I go home and I just think everyone is a bunch of IDIOTS?
What if I am too nice to people?
I don't want someone to take advantage of me.
Would people understand me?
The old problems THEY have is still there because THEY can't deal with them.
I feel compassion. I feel like shit when other people feel like shit.
What if I feel like shit then?
Is this the time for me to speak up with family members for exemple?
Should I ignore all negative people?
Should I Change friends?
I mean, everything that I build up from the course -
All this peace, love, meditation, happiness, and pure positivity....
WHAT SHOULD I DO when I leave it?
Goiing back to a city like Malmö isn't the easiest either, if you don't work your ass off.
You have to be hard and cool in the same time.

Laura: Stay positive!!!!
And you will attract positivity and positive people around you.
And we are also gonna schedule a meeting and go through all this,
and some of the yoga you can continue with.
And YES you should change friends!
I THINK that she has been through a bit as well, and I think that's why I like her.
After all, she is from Brooklyn! :P



Our Yoga Hall.

This is everything I have for now.
It's time for bed.

Ciao.

Today I fell in LOVE!
With Snatam Kaur.
I heard the song once before and I felt the same then.
Today after our final relaxation Sofia (the beautiful pretty teacher)
putted this song on again. YES!
I had to ask for the name....

It was like waking up with joy and love in the heart.
A peaceful mind and soul when I heard the song.
Even if the song is repeated a bit, it is sooooo nice to listen too.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Enjoy, meditate or just relax!

HAHAHA,
The man I almost forgot that he existed.
He was famous hmmm.... around 10 years ago, or even more.
This Hippie man is singing about peace and love and he looks like Jesus.

Ok, I like odd people, but this man has always been a little bit too much for me.
I even remember when my mum listened to him. OH GOD!

I remember that me and Annica talked about him when we were on Bali.
She asked me if I've ever been on one of his concerts?
- NO?
- Good for you Lee!
I don't know how many times I've got oranges in my head from this man on his concerts!

I cracked up in laughter. Oranges?
WTF! HAHAHA...

Peace on earth, I hit you in the head with an orange :D

For those who wonder what a VISA run is, I'm gonna tell you.
It's those stupid rules many countries have.
That you can only stay in the country for 30 days for exemple.
So after 30 days you have to leave the country,
and if you don't, you have to pay a ridiculous amount of money for overstaying.
Some coutries don't let you in without a visa for exemple.
Thailand : You get 30 days when you arrive by airplane.
15 days when you arrive by car or bus. Stupid.
Totally STUPIDITY!



I left my room at 19.00 yesterday.
Took the bike into town to get some food before my trip.
(For those who have done it before, know that you don't stop on many places for food,
so be prepaired to bring something with you if you never done it before.)
I went to the usual place at the food market.
It's something weird with that table because everytime I sit there,
someone very interesting come and sit down next to me.
Yesterday a couple sat down beside me.
The man from England and the woman from Israel.
Fully normal people, looked like anyone else.
I started to talk to them, and they told me that they work as HEALERS.
They explained how they did it and how it works, and it all depends on the person.
I got the womans number and I'm gonna call her as soon as I stop doing the Yoga.
Because I decided to go and get a HEALING.
I ACTUALLY HAVE TO! (even how broke I am)

And YES, I am totally BROKE, Again. I even loaned some more money until I arrive home.
My new Visa expire 4 days before my departure back home is, so I have to pay for overstaying.
2000 baht, which is the same amount of paying for a Visa run.
MORE STUPIDITY!!!!!!!!!

I continued to the ferry, the nightboat.
This was actually one of the best transportations I've been on during my traveling in Asia.
The boat was full of matresses on the floor,
you had a number and then everyone just laid down and had a sleep next to eachother.
Very nice to actually lay down on a matress, sleep and wake up and you are there.... great.

So there I was, spooning a fully stranger and got spooned by another stranger.
Welcome to Thailand, where everything can happen.
The guy next to me spoke loud tothe man next to him.... Oooohhhhh...

But we had more to come.
Got picked up by a mini bus who drove us to the border.
The driver was angry, cranky, stressed,
and actually pushed the gas in the curves where you normally hit the breaks.
So, in my mind he was "The Hollywood driver"
who made the tires scream like they only do in Hollywood.

And with my luck, OFCOURSE the loud man next to me and the man he was talking to
were going to be in the same mini bus as I. Thank you God for loving me!
I was tired and passed out, woke up couple of times when I almost hit the roof in the car,
bumbed into the window and stuff...
And when the driver almost killed us couple of times. HAHA!

At the border the driver were screaming and were very unpolite.
He was just friendly with the thai people.
We were only stupid FARANGS in his eyes.
OK, THAT WAS IT!!!!!!
I told him to cool down, and take it easy. And I told him to smile! :D
And woooooh... The result was that the POLICE and IMIGRATION gave me CANDY!
HAHAHAHAHA....... I don't know what he said about me in Thai though,
and I don't think I wanna know either. The only thing I understood was smile haha.

We survived the drive back, and we got on a early ferry since we had our fast Hollywood driver.
So there I sat on a ferry for 2,5 hours looking at the sea and some buddhists.



And now I'm back on Koh Phangan again.
I'm eating a whole chicken...
Seriously, I bought a WHOLE CHICKEN!!
Yeah, vegetarian it is...HAHA. Or not maybe right away :P
And I don't want to label myself as a vegetarian
because I know that I will break it once in a while.
Definitly when I arrive back home and I'm gonna GET STUFFED with grease!!!!
But until then I start slowly and when I'm finished with the grease,
I'm gonna continue trying the vege style.
So, let say it's a EXPERIMENT OK?

I miss Joeys Tiramisu made with Oreos. Ooohhh... YUM!!!

Until next time my friends.
18 days until I'm back in Malmö again.
I seriously can't wait!!!!!

Last sunday when we had our day off, I took my bicycle in to town.

After one of the big hills, I looked at the sky.

I was amazed. It was absolutely beautiful.

One of the best sunsets in Thailand I've seen.

Luckely I had my camera with me,

so I tried to take a shot without a working display.

And I got more amazed of myself to catch such a great shot

of not knowing what I'm taking picture of exactly.

And it's the SKY you should focus on. Not the palmtree.

Doesn't the sky look magical?

 

 

Now I start to realize what P said to me makes sense.

To begin with I thought ”Well, it can't be that hard?”

He said that ”During the course, you are probably wanna quite,

because it's gonna be hard, but what ever you do, don't give up, go on every class”

Today is one of those days when I feel : WTF is going on?!

I really like the Yoga and I know that it do me good in the length.

But to do it 6 hours a day is starting to become like going back to school.

Wake up in the morning on time, focus and have lecture.

So I am not just talking about the psysical exercises.

It's taking hard on me mentally as well.

 

The only thing that I can think of is when I can go home to Sweden again.

Couple of months ago, I never thought that I would say it.

I never had it on my mind. Never.

I still want to continue traveling, but I need a rest.

I want my friends! I want my home, my city, my things,

my room, my bed, and all the LOVE that I've missed from

all the people that actually CARE 4 real about me, and I care about too...

 

Then I notice that my ischias nerve is starting to be painful again.

I can't move and it's getting worse every day.

Last night I had a bad sleep, the bed I have isn't the best either.

So I'm gonna do some more exercises now,

I talked to our teacher about it and it will go away after a while.

But I feel like a retard. Again.

I always had the problem with contracting my muscles too much.

And where I don't need it, for exemple my neck.

So now I'm waiting for a massage, on my ass and where I'm stiff.

 

 

The wheel pose is getting better, but I still can't come up.

Still need more strenght in my arms. Feel retarded again.

We also have done the half headstand. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

My pinkies, no the whole hand hurted like a M.F.

And my forehead. And my ass.

And then the nerve in my legs, the pain steaming down from my spine,

down my ass and all the way down my left leg. Great.

I AM SOOO MOTIVATED FOR THIS RIGHT NOW! NOT!

 

I am tired and the more I move or do something the more tired I get.

It's not like last week at all, when I had sooo much energy.

I just want to lay in bed all the time and DIE!

I just want to scream : Leave me alone..........

 

Afternoon class totally knocked me out mentally.

I felt anger and anxiety. WHY? I don't know!

I was really deep depressed.

Suddenly things from my childhood popped up in my head.

Feelings and thing that have been buried for years and years.

That I've actually forgot and moved on.

But we were actually lectured that this may happen.

So, I guess that everything finally is coming up?

We were told that the human mostly carry around stuff deep within,

and get heavier and heavier.

Now it's time to deal with it I guess.

How this works, I have no idea actually, but it did.

On me anyway. I am really emotionell and exsausted.

And the only thing I could kill for right now is someone to hold me.

Somone to have close. Someone to talk to. Someone who were there FOR ME!

When I NEED it. But no, no one there.

I am and have been isolated from everything for 2-3 weeks now.

I do have my computer, tv, food and I can go anywhere I want.

But I do this for a purpose. So I choose not to.

But now I just feel like shit and want to go nuts.

I guess it's getting better tomorrow.

 

Until then.. Goodnight and sleep well....

Följ min blogg med bloglovin

Hey.
45 readers on one day! Yay!
But I still don't see any comments....
You guys SUCK!

I've told MANY people this before...
I do know the consequences of having a blog.
I am like an open book, but I don't care.
People know exactly what you are doing, where and when.
Depends what you write about of course.

When it comes to me, I write about my life...
But the more you read about me, don't you ever think that you know me.
You can be a close friend, and in that case YES.
But if you maybe WERE a friend of mine or just are one of those who just follow my life,
WITHOUT any contact with me, do not consider yourself as my friend.

I keep contact with my friends.
And they keep contact with me.
Of course it can take time in between the contacts,
but for exemple IF I contact YOU, and you don't answer me time after time.
Then think about it.... You are actually cutting yourself out of someone else life.
The less comunication, the less friendship you get.

Maybe that's what you want. No problem for me.
I treat my friends with love and respect, and you should too.
But many people should think again what a friendship is and means for them.
Do I mean something for you, in your life?
If I do, are you afraid of me?

I also know that many people is jealous. Why? Of what?
Many people is just looking for Gossip.
I am not a gossip girl, so... go look somewhere else then!

I suggest that you leave a comment if you are brave enough.
It's mostly a hint to you. And a thought... That you should think of.

The only one I know that is brave is Mom, Jane, Sophie, Mia and Pete!
Cheers on you guys.

Hi everyone. I received a e-mail the other day about the green card lottery to the US. I know those who have won a green card before, so why not register? It's worth a shot ey? So I did, but step no 2 is to fill in the PAYMENT! If you have to pay for a Greencard to the US, IT IS NOT A LOTTERY!!!!!!!! So, no registration for me. I think I need to get married instead haha ;P

Still one of my best movies.
It's a classic!

When I visit L.A. I have to be as cool as them.
And of course I have to listen to the song too :D Mouhahahaha....
They are my heros :) AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA....
Love it.

A night at the Roxbury. Katching!

Thai Reggae isn't so bad after all.
They are actually really good at music over here, not all but many!
This is my and many others favorite song in Thailand.
Actually one of the first Thai songs I heard when I was in Chang Mai
with Adeline on a reggae bar. Seems like so long ago, and yes.... it was....
So, this song is for you babe.

Do Do Do....

After the afternoon class it was time for our daily lecture.
We just opened our eyes from the relaxation and in walks an older man,
dressed completely in orange.
Who was this ORANGE GURU?
All the other yoga teachers wear ONLY white.
I recognized the man from posters, website and he also wrote a book.
He is the founder of Agama Yoga. Read more about him HERE!!!
AHA!



So todays lecture was very interesting.
And why is that? Because it was about SEX of course!!!
Lee is finally focused. HAHAHA....
Now we're talking!

Agama Yoga is one of very FEW schools left in the world apparently to teach TANTRA.
Tantra is sexuality and spirutality.
Tantra is a science of correlations, it is not only about sex, by far!
To reach high spirituality they recommend you to go celibat or do tantra.
95 % of munks, nuns, yogis etc live a life in celebacy.
The other 5% do Tantra. Tantra is dying.

Even many nuns and munks don't know about this way.
Many munks and nuns don't do their practise,
prayers and walk around most of the time frustrated.
Instead of "relieve the pressure" when having sex, the tantra is to hold yourself.
With other words: Don't let any liquids come out!
And litterally have sex to enjoy it, and not to relieve.

Then you're not exsausted and tired and have to start all over with the yoga again.
This makes you keep the energy and continue your practise as before.
You want to bring UP the energy, not down!

A normal relationship, the sex goes "bad" after 3,5 years.
Therefor 70 % of people divorce after around 4 years.
With Tantra, it can only get better!

I almost live as celibat right now anyway but when he explained more about it,
I saw everything so clear. It was a "AHA moment" for me.
And many things he explained I allready knew very well, but many other didn't.
And I will NOT write about it since it's private. HA HA!

This is just a little bit of what I have to write about the Tantra.
I will definitly talk to Laura more about it.




If you want to know more about Tantra Yoga.

CLICK HERE!

This song popped up in my head when I was laying down at the pool.
Dilba with I'm sorry.
It is so old and it was so long time ago I heard it.

And the song. The lyrics. It's .. yeah... I can't find the words...
It just is. And I still can sing it.

Enjoy. I know I do.

To start with I have to say that I AM EXSAUSTED!!!!!

It's getting hotter and hotter every day.

After the morning class I relaxed at the pool for a short moment,

but even if I stayed in the water, it was too hot. Crazy!

I went up and changed and decided to go to town and pick up some stuff.

By bike! This is around 20 min bike ride,

with 2 hills that you actually have to walk up with the bike to reach.

It's like 2 spinning classes!

In Thai heat/sun the result is SWEAT SWEAT SWEAT!

People cheer at me and wave and say ”You go girl” and ”Awesome, Great”

when they drive by with their motorbikes.

 

Yes people, if you think that this is water from coming out

from the shower or something, you are totally WRONG!!!!!!

This is how cute I look when I'm sweaty! NICE!

 

After I got home, I stood in a ice cold shower and tried to relax

because I've been active since 08.10.

I layed down for 10 minutes, and looked at the watch. DAMN.

Afternoon class starts in 10 min.

I WAS SOOOOOO EXSAUSTED allready.

But it was just to move the ass down there and do the exercises

and sweat a bit more. In my head there was only FOOD!!!

 

When you realize how much shit you have in your body

and starting to notice a difference,

that's when you start to be greatful over that you can taste and smell.

And that your body is in generally normal.

 

I was suppose to go fasting today,

but I changed my mind and decided to do it tomorrow instead

because I have fruits in the fridge that is starting to become bad.

I want to eat them before they get bad so I don't have to

throw them away and waste more money!

But it's fruits ey, and fruit is good! :D

 

After doing Kriya Yoga every morning I start to feel a big different.

Kriya Yoga is purification and cleansing mostly in your mouth.

But effects many things in your body. Toxic's coming up etc etc.

 

I've written this before, but I write it again:

The TOUNGSCRAP is my best friend nowdays....

(Use it directly every morning!)

Then salt on teeth and gums, SEASALT!

Cold water flushing the eyes.

And finally....

This little friend.

You put water inside, not hot and not cold. Room temprature.

Mix with seasalt and flush from one nostril,

and then the water shall run out from the other.

If it comes out in your mouth, spit it out and try again until

you find the right possition.

What I wanted to say with this was:

When you realize that it's working, you have so much more taste.

At least I have. I think that my yoghurt and fruits never ever tasted so good.

One bit of kiwi, banana, grape, müsli and yoghurt had SO MANY flavours.

It almost tasted like a fresh home made Italian

sorbet ice-cream you eat in the summer.

And that, we all know that the ice-cream in Malmö is the best ;)

And after every bite I took, the flavours were getting stronger and stronger.

I stared at the plate with yoghurt and fruits. ”FUCK, this is good!”

I was only thinking of that Italian ice-cream.

And I am not even such fan of ice-cream.

 

As I said before, the cleansing with Kriya Yoga is working.

If you want to continue this, and maybe go to an advanced cleansing,

Vamana Dhauti is something to try then!

 

We were lectured about this today and it means that you actually are vomiting.

In my head and I guess many others on the lecture, this sounded nuts!

People think of vomiting as a bad thing,

because they normally vomit FOOD or when they had to much to drink,

when it's unpleasant and hurts etc etc.

 

This, you are going to do in the morning.

When your stumache is empty.

Drink around 1- 1.5 liters of water.

Jump up and down 20 times.

Push the fingers of the left hand on your stumache

(under the breast bone) and start vomiting.

And if you don't know how to vomit,

sad for you because I will not write and explain how you vomit. Haha.

 

So, this is my next mission tomorrow.

When I try fasting. I don't know about the fasting though.

I will try my best, but everything I can think of everyday

over and over again is food, food, food.

Now I start to miss meatballs again.

I've been eating raw food for a while now like salad,

sandwich, avocado, fruits, yoghurt, nuts etc.

And some chicken fried rice of course.

I am starting to get over it, but I notice new types of food that I miss instead.

I am no need for sweets. I only miss those long salty liqurice from home.

Otherwise just hot food! Springrolls, pork and chicken satés,

a big juicy steak, french fries, burger, pizza, meatballs, yeah you name it.

 

MEAT! GIVE ME MEAT!!!!! I'll go nuts over here...

But I know it's just my mind that is playing a game!

And I know that I can get over it. Just like candy, cigarettes, alcohol, soda etc.

Food is a drug too. I want to be CLEAN!!!!!

I give you guys some pictures of me... Tadaaaa!

This is only for showing the tattoo...

I didn't write something from the Yoga yesterday....Day 9, so I jump to day 10! :)

It was not so much to write about actually.

 

Last night I changed my alarm tone.

I woke up this morning and I snoozed.

I snoozed until I fell back a sleep.

I woke up from the thunder outside at 08.15.

Class starts at 08.30, lucky I don't live far away haha.

So, I litterally jumped out of bed and went down to class after brushing my teeth.

Yes, today it wasn't enough time to do Kriya Yoga before class.

When I showed up to class, our teacher is late – 30 minutes!

And I stressed so much.... GAH!

I notice that my mood isn't on top - really cranky.

And I feel that it's soon time for my period.

My stumache is like a balloon (or at least it feels like that)

 

My mind wasn't focus at all.

Now I realized how hard it is to focus.

I've had this problem my whole life. With concentration.

Many people think it's very easy and has no problem at all.

I actually got mad at myself today.

And I even yelled at myself in my head, to concentrate and focus.

I feel so god damn retarded!

My mind is like a puppy, trying to get away from it's owner...

and the owner has to control her pup and drag her in with a leach.

That's a freaking good exemple ey!?

 

The afternoon class was ”so-so”, still cranky.

And I had pain streaming through my arms somehow.

Low on energy today.

I had to leave when it was time for the lecture,

because I had to pick up my ticket for the night boat next week

when I have to do my first VISA run. I also were really hungry.

 

When I came back I decided to go for a Thai massage.

I love Thai massage!

The women on Ananda (the yoga center), is THE BEEEEEST ever!

They are so rough but I love it since I have so much pain everywhere.

For those who haven't been in Thailand before,

I have to tell you that they don't care about what they

say to you is mean or rude, it's their oppinion.

Then take it or leave it.

So the woman who gave me massage asked me if I'm gonna do the

DETOX program tomorrow. I said ”No, can not.”

She insisted that I should. Because ”I AM BIG”.

Thanks alot, I'm trying my best over here damn it!!!

I actually wanted to do it, but "No money, no honey" like they say.

 

 

Then she pointed at my balloon stumache and said

- ”Aaaaah, you need. You no like Detox?"

”You very beautiful, very nice, but need exercise”

(This is how Thais speak English)

Thai people never mean to harm anyone so you just smile at them

and make them laugh so they think you are funny.

I answered: ”No money, very expensive. I detox in my room, no eating, no need pay”

Then she laughed and asked me why I don't have a boyfriend?

”Oooh, only problem” I answered.

She didn't understand HOW I could be single.

Some people say Ok and change subject.

But she seriously really didn't understand.

”Why ploblem? You no like? Like girls?”

 

NO BUT MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I AM TOO BIG?

(I didn't say that though haha)

I know many who like to slap my big ass.... So, I'm happy! :)

 

I am SATISFIED with how I look, but Asian women is OBSESSED with their looks!

I try my best from now on, and to loose couple of more kilos can't be that hard.

TOMORROW IT'S FASTING TIME FOR ME!

One day a week, with only water, water, water....

We'll see how that goes! HAHA

See, I am doing better. Healthy food :)
How would my world be like without my avocado?
Some Chicken fried rice, and I added some coctail tomatoes myself :)
Drink: Hot Green Tea and a carrot juice.
YUMMYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

I am back in business again.
WHY DID I EVER STOP TO WORK OUT?
Well, it's easy to fall back into old habits and sweets.
UN FOCUS it's also called.
For exemple: Breakup or finding a new love.
New friends or a loss. It's so easy!
My "excuse" was traveling, new friends and couple of men in the way.
In the beginning I was doing good.
I went to the gym in Las Vegas and I was jogging and tried hard.
But, IT IS EXPENSIVE! And it's also expensive to eat healthy.
THAT'S THE FACT! And if you are poor... You're screwed!
Then when you travel with someone who loves to smoke and drink and party...
Well, like I said - It's easy, at least for me that is a sucker for these kind of things.

But like I said, I'm back on my feets again.
I have sooooooo much energy and I am more happy and relaxed.
This is the feeling I had before I left Sweden the first time, when I was more "in shape".
Not the best condition, but was doing soooo good with myself.

Everyday I am doing better and better.
My flexibility is going good as well, not the best yet but I am getting there!
And I am trying hard all day, everyday!
And there is actually only ONE MAN who I can THANK for giving me a PUSH,
back to my old and healthy life I had before I started to travel.
When I had the motivation.
And that mans name is : PETER ADAMS!
Thank you wise man!



This picture is ONLY taken in purpose for you guys to see the sweat
in my forhead! I don't know if you see it though haha.
It is soooo hot here. Around 40 degrees celcius.
And not a chance to swim in the sea since the tide is really low.
I need to find a pool!!!
I take pictures with my camera without knowing what I'm taking pictures of.
Because the display is broken.
You can also see my brown hair is becoming blonde again. Grrrrrrrr......



This little gecko should have been more careful when he walked on a menu
that had old sticky tape left overs on it.
POOR THING.
What a death. I couldn't help laughing though!
(and take a picture) HAHAHA.
A little gecko skeleton.



This palmtree is growing a bit weird?
HAHA... Nice.

---

NIGHT UPDATE!

I went down the street to get some connection with my phone.
Yes, a bit desperate I know hahaha....
And then I almost stepped on the BIGGEST BUG I've ever seen!!!!!!!
There it was, on the street....
Since I walk around with a flashlight, because there is no lights at all here,
it's very hard to see the bugs sometimes....
That's the reason why all the frogs are flat! HAHA!!

IT WAS HUGE so I couldn't miss it! (body around 10 cm)



And then we have those weird bugs I've never seen before as well.
They look like cockroaches, but they are bigger and they fly.
I never see them during the day, but I always see them at night.
And every single one of them lay on their back struggeling to get back up.
Also on the street. WHY? Can someone tell me this?
Why do they suddenly fall down on the ground upside down, try to come back up?
KIND OF STUPID if I may say so....



GOODNIGHT!!!!

This neckless has been screaming my name since the first day at the Yoga when I saw it.
I HAD TO buy it! The beauty is MINE now!

To start with I have to say that I am SO GLAD

that I didn't sell or give away my American BUCK KNIFE!

It's always, always, always good to have a knife when you travel.

You NEVER know when you need it!

 

 

Todays pose – The wheel pose.

I have to say that my strenght isn't that good in my arms,

I couldn't come up, so I stood on my head instead hahaha.

Yeah yeah, it's coming I guess. I am so bad of being patient though.

 

We did some concentration of the mind today with the ping pong ball.

I almost got mad & angry and wanted to throw away the damn ball.

I don't know why, but I guess it's because I am so NOT PATIENT!

 

This is how I was thinking for a while:

Focus, Focus, Focus. No, no focus at all.

Lalallaalala... I don't see a F*cking ping pong ball!

Focus. Try. HARD!

I wonder how long we are gonna do this for?

Hmmm... Lee FOCUS on the BALL!

I wonder what I'm gonna eat later, I am hungry!

White ping pong ball in my head, lalalalala....

Focus. Focus, No. No focus.

This is almost like in KILL BILL when she talks to her toe haha!

FOCUS LEELEE! White ball, white ball, white ball....

I wonder if you see alot of ping pong balls flying if you eat mushrooms?

Oh, I can write this in my blog later... HAHA... FOCUS!!!!!!!!

DAMN BALL I HATE YOU!

(Yeah...as you see, my concentration is bad so I didn't see a ball)

 

JASON said a good thing : WE HAVE MONKEY BRAINS!

We are everywhere in the same time...

Jumping around with our thoughts. Good said Jason!

I AM A MONKEY!!!!!!!!

Todays subject on the lecture was about Yama and Niyama.

Click and read more about it or google it yourself to read other pages.

 

This was the second time we talked about it, from different aspects etc.

Our teacher today was Laura.

I haven't talked with so many of the teachers.

But as soon as I saw Laura I liked her somehow.

And even more when she opened her mouth.

She seems to be so friendly, calm, smart and funny.

I think that all of them are really good.

Jason is also a favorite, even if I haven't said a word to him.

I prefer to look at him instead hahaha.

 

Anyway, Laura lectured us about the Yama & Niyama.

About telling the truth, being honest, not harm others etc.

She said something I liked: NO RELIGION IS BIGGER THEN THE TRUTH!

As soon as we started to talk about this,

I noticed a heavy rock in my stumache.

I know that I am trying to become clean with everything I've done in the past.

But some things is not just possible to deal with.

If I tell the truth I harm others, but if I'm not I harm myself and I lie.

I hate to lie, hate hate hate. But I have no choice.

I decided to talk to Laura about it after class.

Since she is one of those you can go and talk to, get advise, help etc.

I felt nervous and I almost couldn't speak.

So, I told her my story and maybe she could give me advise or help.

She couldn't say a word. The story is just a mess!

There is so much and many involved so she couldn't say much more

then I have to try to forgive myself what I have done.

Because if I want to become clean, I am ego and can destroy for other people.

Great, this just made it easier.... Uhhh...

Still Love the movie, and love all the effort Matt Damon put into this movie.
TEAM AMERICA - Fuck yeah!

Määäääääätt Dejmån! HAHAHAHA

This is how I try to get home on Koh Phangan.
Hmmmm I wish that there wasn't so much wind blowing in the speaker though.
Because, serious... there was no wind. I guess it's because I'm on the bike?
So, this is what I live with every day...
Nice, quiet, relaxing, hot, sweet and yeah... GOOD!

Singing BICYCLE RACE with QUEEN!

The last couple of days I've been thinking about a person that I haven't talked to in a long time.
It was almost like I forgot him somehow, or I was just busy with my problems.

So.... I sendt a text and I thought that he is never gonna answer.
But I got a respond almost right away :)
And this person putted a smile on my face and totally made my day.
Nothing special really, but just how he spelled his text.
I then remember how he talks, and what good person he is.
And that, that's what made me all warm inside.
Sometimes you don't have to do alot to make someone else happy.



Me and M. talked about this person from home, when we met in Phuket.
She asked me about him, and I said NO NO NO WAY.
That was long time ago, just a waste of time and energy bla bla bla.
But in that moment I had someone else in my head, and I had my personal problems.
Now I'm problem-free and somehow....this person is still there, and still will be a long time.
So somehow, I always gonna have something there I guess.

I'm coming home soon so I can give you a BIG BIG BIG HUG!
muuuuuuak as the thai would say :)

Today's song: AT THE RIVER - GROOVE ARMADA!

I have to say that I am feeling better and better after every day that goes.
But it's hard work. Not just physically, mentally as well.
Nothing in this life is easy, that's for sure.
I am trying to concentrate as much as I can and alot of thoughts have been coming up lately.
In those moments I try to concentrate the most,
I get this "AHA" moments when I realize the problem and then TRY to solve them.

And YES, I've been taking some huge steps the last couple of days.
Some of them I couldn't solve but I'll survive anyway.
I know that I've been taking some strenght and power to take a step forward to do it at least,
then if the other person don't want to, is shitty for THEM not me.

Excercises is going better and better.
My back is still a bit stiff but I am doing better every day.
And I notice my body after a week is looking and feeling NICE!
Today was absolutely hot, and I was sweating like never before.
I was soked, it was dripping, and it was actually ran along my legs.
Just sweet. Felt like I peed myself or something... HAHA.

Today at the lecture we talked about the most important thing in YOGA:
CONCENTRATION OF THE MIND!

We are going to practise this tomorrow morning.
We are going to practise with a white ping-pong ball.
I can't wait. I want to do it NOW! (But I don't have a ball yet)
We are going to hold it in front of our face (our third eye).
Look at it, close our eyes, take it away, focus our mind on how it looks like,
and then try to get exactly the same ball in front of us when we open our eyes.
Not pink, not square, not to the left of me.
No, exactly the same round white ping pong ball in front of us.

It can take alot alot alot alot of practise. I MEAN ALOT!
But when you are able to do this, you are STARTING to get control over your mind.
This is it. This is what I have to do. My mind is everywhere at once.
Meditation is going better, but I am still not concentrated.

So, more about this tomorrow.

Om Shanti.



Thai lady :)

 

People say that they can't change who they are.

I say, YES you can!

I just believe that they don't want to change, even if they say so.

They are secure and afraid of taking a big step in their life.

Or they don't know how to start, and just need a push.

 

- I am who I am, I can't change. Take it or leave it.

Heard this before? I know I have, and I've even said it myself.

I say, take a chance and let everything go.

I know it takes alot of currige, will and power to change.

Today I am not afraid. I am not afraid of anything!

There are things that I don't like or don't feel safe with, but I am not afraid of it.

 

I know many people that has changed during friendships or relationships.

And by that I don't mean as the person who they are,

I am talking about their energy, their thinking and acting.

And for you people who still doesn't understand really,

should read a bit more about the different chakras in the body, and the energies.

HERE «------- is a good LINK! :)

 

For exemple: I have friends that have been very open, careing, loving and thoughtful.

Suddenly something goes wrong and they change their thinking

to something negative, because they can't let go and move on.

So, from giving and taking energy from the Anahata (heart) chakra,

to changing to Svadhisthana chakra. (located near the gender)

I don't say that Svadhisthana chakra is bad, because no chakra is.

 

What these friends doesn't know is that it effect other people.
And it can be good or bad.
I am one of those people who get effected very easy by others.
In Swedish we have the expression " Man blir som man umgås "
Which means in direct translation " You get as you socialize ".
Think about that.

I said to friends that they should ”Stop thinking with your penis”.

And I actually believe that this expression is TRUE.

I've been there myself (not penis though haha) but mostly when

I don't feel good with myself and when I need a type of confirmation from someone.

Sex is a easy way out. And also food and other good things.

But I mostly think with my heart and not my brain.

Which isn't the best either.

 

When reading and been lectured about the bodies different chakras,

I categorised myself and what I wanted to change, what I needed etc.

And I've been using Svadhisthana way too much lately.

But I also realized one thing and another....

 

More about this later... Time for Yoga! :)

 

Okey, I don't know if it's a good idea to write this or not, but I do it anyway.
Because there is something that tells me to.

Since I arrived into this room, there have been weird things going on around me.
First of all, this is the first time during my trip that I am completely relaxed and "problem free"
And first time in a long time that I am ALONE. Completely!

For exemple: The first day at the Yoga I wrote that I felt that someone touched my hand.
More than that, I didn't want to write.
But now I don't care, and YOU who read this can think what ever you want about me.
That I'm crazy or what ever... I don't care!

So this is it...
It's not the first time, and not the last either.
I know many friends that have been in the same situation, but never talks about it.
They never say anything until "someone else" talks about it,
because they don't want to be seen as a idiot.
And this is true. And you maybe think that I am an idiot, but I know the truth at least.

The same day as I felt someone touching my hand, I had weird dreams.
I woke up couple of times from "noise" inside the room.
When I opened my eyes and looked, it was nothing there.
Just a bad dream I guessed.
But then someone touched my shoulder gently and a mans voice whispered in my ear:
- Excuse me, Sorry!
I looked up and said: YES? And waited for an answer since someone woke me up!
No one there.... (?) Weird.
Went back to sleep again, and I don't know for how long I slept
but when I wake up the next time it felt like someone completely shook the bed.

This also happened once in Chalong in Phuket, but then it more felt like an earthquake.
Since we both have been in a earthquake before we knew the feeling.
In Chalong, both me and my friend that I was sharing bed with woke up exactly the same time.
But it wasn't a earthquake. We looked out from the balcony and try to sleep again.
This continues 3-4 times that night. The day after no one knows anything about a earthquake.
It was just the bed.

Well anyway, back to my story....
I tried to go back to sleep again,
but it was harder this time since I felt that someone was there.
I then hear something falling down from inside the toilette.
The next day I look out the window,
and I made sure that the windows were closed when leaving the room.
Later the same day, when I layed down in bed I thought that the outside noice is very strong.
I went up to the window, and it was halfway open. (?)
I have to tell you that it's not possible to open the window from the outside since I live high up.
This happend 2 or 3 times during 2 days.

I also have been waking up couple of more times during the last nights.
Felt like there was people standing next to my bed, asking me questions.
I see shadows and moving thing in the corner of my eyes all the time.
And sometimes I HEAR that someone is in the room.
You hear when someone is walking towards you for exemple or away from you.
I can say that I hear and feel things in exactly this moment as well.
And sometimes it feels like bugs are crawling on me, and when I look -
There is nothing there!!!!

SO, MAYBE I AM GOING NUTS AFTER ALL?

So, finally.... Today...
I came home from the beach.
Before I left I didn't do anything with the room.
Didn't leave any windows open or anything.
So, I enter and my room was FULL of flying ants!
HOW was this possible? There is NO WAY that they can come in!
I go to the window, since I know the window is one of these things that "opens" by itself.
And was I right? YES! It was open.....Again!

The second thing was my toilette.
It was dripping water.
It was too much water inside but I can't figure out how and why.
And it wasn't like that when I left the room.
So I had to call for the guys downstairs.

WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM ME?

AM I CRAZY?

It's said that Pink Floyd was high on exstacy when he was making the song

”Shine on you crazy diamond” and when he did this song he found a sound

that he after this time never could find again.

And it's the sound you hear in the beginning of the song.

It's said that it was a spiritual path into the conciousness where he

opened up to his Anahata chakra (his heart chakra) and made this beautiful sound.

He found a way to reach this in his music, but only once.

 

What do you think?

 

 

 

This morning my energy was gone again.

And I had SORE MUSCLES DELUX!!

What is going on? One day I'm fine and the next I'm sick again.

I am starting to get really tired of this.

Anyway, I went to class really low.

During the new exercise Trikonásana, which is a triangle pose,

 

my pelvis and hips felt soooo stiff that I thought that I was going

to die at exactly that moment I did the pose.

I also noticed that I felt weaker and weaker.

I wanted to cry. And I wanted to cry like a baby.

But I pulled myself together and tried to continue.

During the next exercise I was so exsausted that I just layed flat on the floor.

But I told myself and my brain: DON´T GIVE UP, I KNOW I CAN DO THIS!

So I raised up and did it even better then the first time.

But my muscles are not used to do this kind of stuff EVERYDAY.

I know my body and I know that it will say NO to me many times again.

And when you have SORE MUSCLES it's a pain in the ass I have to say.

 

I also got the number to Agamas Doctor, she is located at the HEALING CENTER.

And maybe she can help me out about what's going on with my body?

Now it's time for breakfast - Müsli, grapes, apple, yoghurt, raisins. Yum Yum!

And, I'm staying in today... Since the weather looks like this:

It's raining a bit ey?

 

And the rain continues.

I don't know about my toilette roof though... You think it's safe in heavy rain? HAHAHA.

One thing is true: Thai people suck at building stuff!

And no signal on the TV either... What to doooo?

Meditation? Yes, Music meditation.... YAY!

---

Afternoon class went really good, the Trikonasana excersice we did this morning,
I manage to do it piece of cake. :)
Better focus on everything today, alot during music meditation.
The thing is when I do yoga, I get up old problems or/and thoughts,
and I find a solution to them to continue in peace.
I start to think of someone and I see the problem somehow.
I have a big step to take when it come to a certain person, and I will do it.
I just need to figure out how.

More thoughts later...

After class I went to the restaurant. Aaaaand, I made some friends haha :)
One of the girls, which was the first girl I said Hi to on the class actually,
is OF COURSE from San Francisco, California!
What is it with me and meeting people from California?
The other one is Swiss.
Fun to talk to people that are smart and believe in / like the same things as I do for once,
and not just drink, party and do drugs or other shit...
So our conversation over food was interesting,
even if we known eachother for 5 min or so haha.
That's what I like about traveling. People just invite you over to their table if you sit alone.
You maybe not even will see this people ever again, but it's nice and polite.
I like it. NO ONE IN SWEDEN would do that! I know that I would!!!

We talked about everything from places, yoga, astrology, stars, paranormal, and spiritual.
Who would talk to a stranger about this stuff normally?
No one I know, that's for sure. But I think that the people here are very open.
We are pretty much the same, so it's so much easier.
And I feel so good to be away from heavy drinking, or just drinking at all,
drugs, prostitutes, hustlers and misserable people that are pretty LOST out there.
Those people who see every humans weaknesses instead of what's beautiful and good about this person.

Well, this is all I have for today!
C ya'll tomorrow ey!