ૐ It's just me ☼ Lee Lee ૐ ☮ ♥

People say I’m weird here.

“She is weird but she has a very big heart.”

I hear it more and more often.

And in weird most of them mean a “good weird”.

Something they would like to find out more about.

There is something mystical they say.

Something they are interested in, but it kind of scares them at the same time.

Scared of the unknown change that might take place.

Might or might not.

And I feel this too, way too many times.

But I take risks. All the time.

I know this position.

I have been in their shoes.

I found people like this earlier in my life, couple of years ago.

People I looked up to at as my guides,

my Gurus, my inspiration and my motivation.

Those who I could talk to about my weirdness.

Those who listened to me, who believed in me.

I still find these people, but not as many as I did before.

I guess I am too selective the older I get.

And I am just not satisfied with "avarage" anymore.

I take a little knowledge from everyone I meet and I make my own path.

Life is a lesson.

They are there in your life for a reason.

And so am I.

 It took me a while but I got myself into that position.

With just human interactions, self help and a lot of spiritual work.

But it’s a big progress and it’s not easy.

It takes time, determination and practice.

Mostly self respect and honesty.

And you can never be fully learned or have enough of

knowledge because it’s a never ending story.

It’s one of the hardest things I have ever done.

To change.

To be willing to change.

To love myself so I would be able to love others.

Even I loose myself from time to time.

Then I just need to stop…. and breath.

Even if I can get crazy from time to time, it’s not in a bad way.

Or not my intention anyway.

I am still human like the rest of you.

What people doesn’t understand is that we are all the same.

We all have this “weird” knowledge inside of us.

You might just not know how to be able to get it out of you.

Because some of us are just not “there” yet.

Or it's the "unknown" that scares us.

Most of the time it’s because we have monkey minds.

And we like to listen to that monkey mind more than ourselves (spirits),

our hearts or our bodies.

"Drunken monkey swinging from branch to branch".

That's where we are. And the only thing we need to do is to calm the mind.

And HOW easy is that?? 

REALLY?

Yes, meditate... Not the easiest.

I will call this spirituality.

You can call it what ever you want.

I had it inside of me since I was a child.

We all do. But some have it more visable than others.

I was a child that belongs to the world according to mediums,

clairvoyants and other spiritual beings...

And I really believe so.

My heart is located at so many places in the world.

Some people have a stronger ability to do/see certain things.

I never believed in that bullshit up to the age of 20+ something….

My mother always bothered me in my teenage years.

But everyone believed she was crazy (and so did I) and I told her to cool down with the witchcrafts.

But deep within I knew there was something bigger out there.

Something bigger than my Mum was talking about

Walking a spiritual path is very hard when it comes down to family.

My Guru always says; Once you think that you are enlightened, go be with your family.

And you will see how enlightened you are.

I have never been able to take on the information my mother gave me.

She introduced me to certain things, but I walked my own path of discovery.

I can listen, but she is not one of my guides.

Therefore, I would most of the time never do it her way.

But I know for sure that I have been my Mothers idol for a while.

We change positions.

And I will always love her to death, no matter what.

Because at the age of 30 I realized that she is a "mum" after all...

And the only thing she needs is what everyone else needs too:

LOVE!

I knew that I had a purpose on this planet.

I knew what I felt and it was a though road,

but a road that I will be satisfied with in the end.

I still don’t know where I’m going to end up, I let Universe guide me.

But I know my purpose.

Slowly slowly, I became more connected to planet earth.

Questions I had for many years, I found answers to.

I feel. I hear. I understand.

But sometimes I get blind and sidetracked.

Walking a spiritual path, has many ups and downs.

It’s a karmic circle and we come back so certain things for a deeper understanding.

For the time to heal, let go and never stop loving no matter what.

Shallowness is irrelevant for me.

Connection is bigger.

Helping is stronger.

Being there for someone is what I am here for.

This is what I am here for.

I get it now. And I gain so much from it.

But it also hurts.

I think we call it Love.

There are so many different ways to love,

and doing it unconditionally is what I am aiming for.

But it's so hard.

It doesn’t matter if you smack me in the face after I have helped you up,

because I will always come in peace.

And if you decide to hate me after I have helped you, I will love you even more.

(Yes, I will be upset for a little while in the lack of respect)

I am human too, and I also have feelings.

But once you have helped them, you are finished.

It’s time to move on. And here is the hardest part:

DETACHMENT!

But I also understand now that some people are not where I am today.

Some people are where I used to be in life.

I sound like I’m very old, but I’m not. (30 years old)

And some of the people I help, can sometimes be double my age.

I’m practically still a child when it comes to this path.

But I have it naturally inside of me, and it’s easy for me to connect to it.

It. I will call it energies. A tuning. A hum. Vibrations. A connection.

And the more I work on it, the more I connect.

But the more I get sad too.

The problem is the feelings of others.

Being an empath makes me sad many times.

Because I realize that the only thing we have in the end is Love.

My love right now is Unconditional.

My heart burst open that I don’t know what to do.

I try to hide it, to be normal.

But it’s hard for me.

I fall in love in everyone I meet a little bit.

It’s pure bliss but people cannot take this.

NO, I CANNOT TAKE THIS.

So I close.

But I still feel strongly.

And when you have a strong connection it’s even harder.

Every time.

But I learn from it every time, I have to let go.

My mission here on earth is healing.

I’m a helper, I’m a giver.

This is something I have to live with.

Being hurt is a part of the process.

I accept it even if I don’t like it.

But today I am being able to look at myself from a different perspective,

a different past, and I can see clearly how my path has changed.

And how it is changing all the time.

Where I once was, was long gone from where I am today.

I will not let myself get stuck again. 

Life is too short for that.

While some parts of my life I have to re-live to be able to move on.

Again and again.

Karma.

This is the beauty of life.

This is why we need to wake up.

Nothing else is relevant right now, we need to open our eyes.

We need change.

We need help.

And we are all made of stardust.

People always want so many things.

So we can numb ourselves and consume because of pleasure and satisfaction.

We always wish for something that we don’t have or we haven’t experienced.

We are consumers.

And we are hungry. For more.

We spend all our lives craving for more and we are never satisfied.

And there is nothing wrong with that, if you do it in a healthy way.

(And depending on the subject)

But most people are lost and have no idea of what they actually are looking for.

But I am glad that many people are starting to wake up.

Self practice, worth and respect.

We just know that we need changes in our lives.

But we need to “let go” and “move on” and all that shit to be able to move forward...

And once we get what we need, we don’t want it anymore.

Life goes on.

We all wish for a perfect life. A happy life.

And it can always be better.

We all create something in our perfect mind of how it would look like.

Then we get disappointed when it doesn’t turn out to be like that.

We want to happy, be crazy in love and being loved.

We want to have the perfect partner, the perfect job, and live happily ever after.

We want LOVE.

And this is all we need.

But yet, this is the hardest part.

The most scariest part.

Love makes us weak, vulnerable and sensitive.

And having the balance with your crazy monkey mind doesn't make it easier.

BUT, it also makes us open up ourselves, awakens the real you,

makes you shine, makes you happy and makes you go absolutely crazy!

Love doesn’t ask questions, Love just is.

Unconditionally.

But often when we feel it, we push it away because you might not be ready.

Fear of what is coming.

We need to suffer a little bit more.

So we close again.

There is a big, horrible idea out there in the world of romance:

That if it’s not hard, it’s not real.

True romance must be earned, we believe. Struggled for. Barely survived.

If it comes easy, it’s wrong. Shallow. Too simple.

We must suffer for love. We must cry with certain regularity.

Lose our faith time and time again only to barely regain it again.

I humbly submit that such a belief is the romantic equivalent of 100% grade-A bullshit.

I think a relationship should be easy. It should, but most of the time, it’s not.

It’s just the manner of being on the same level together.

Have faith and start loving yourself.

I have only have one answer to this:

Start with YOURSELF!

How are you ever going to be able to love when you can’t love yourself?

How are you going to find someone when you can’t find yourself?

How are you ever going to be happy together with someone else

if you cannot start being happy with yourself?

How are you ever going to be responsible when you cannot control your own actions?

It might sound easy and most people are aware of it, but it’s the truth.

Even I am doubting myself many times.

Being a therapist and healer, I learned a lot about human behavior.

My strongest passion is the human body, mind and spirit.

And human actions and interactions.

I’m an observer, but I cannot see myself.

It’s always easy to help others, but who helps you when you cannot see yourself?

What I’m getting to blind to see sometimes is what I am advising others to do,

I don’t do myself.

Am I a hypocrite? Or maybe just human?

I am aware of it anyway and at least I am working on it.

That’s step 1.  Awareness.

I can just talk about my own experiences.

For me to be able to see where I was and how to survive life,

it took me so far down into a deep black hole

that I almost wasn’t able to climb back up.

And to be honest, this is not the first time I have heard this story.

And if that’s what it takes for a person to realize, I hope we all survive.

I really do.

I did what most people do when they feel lonely, hurt, or rejected.

I putted myself in a “victim position”.

Feel sorry for me. My life sucks. Please.

Everything sucked, and instead of taking care of myself I drank so much alcohol in

the weekends that I barely cannot remember Friday or Saturday.

I took the easy way out.

Because we are comfortable that way.

We are used to certain things and that’s how it is.

And some things we want to forget, or suppress.

I took advantage of both men and the friends that I had,

without even thinking about it.

I was feeding my ego to feel a little better, just for a moment.

Until I said ENOUGH, this can’t be it.

There must be something more in life than this.

And I wanted a change. I needed a change.

But where do you start?

I started by accepting that I didn’t feel good with what I was doing.

But FEAR took over. Fear almost always takes over.

Our brain is programmed that way.

What might people think, what might people say?

But it’s ok to let down the guard.

It's really ok...

It’s ok to have feelings that are not always positive.

It's ok to feel sad.

The matter is that we DON’T want to be the one who does the dirty work.

We want someone else to do it for us.

It’s easier that way.

Then again….

Life is not easy, it takes effort and strength.

And NO ONE can change YOU.

You are the only one who can take the step.

You can be guided, inspired, motivated but it all comes down to you!!

But where do you start?

That’s the best question because there are so many people out there

that are aware of a shift or a change but don’t know where to start.

Start trying to break out of old repeating patterns.

Silence your mind and think twice before you open your mouth.

Try to connect with yourself.

Try to just STOP and listen to yourself.

You have the answer inside of you.

If you can’t, start writing down what you want to change,

and what you are not happy with,

then read it and try to do something about it.

If you still don’t know what to do, asking for help is ok.

Be vulnerable.

But then… When we start to feel a change coming, it gets challenging,

and who likes that? Fear takes over again.

It’s easy to fall into old patterns…

Break them.

Do something that you have never done before.

HUNGRY FOR LIFE.

When do you know?

When do you realize that the world is absolutely insane?

When you can see everything from a different perspective?

When you start to realize this, do you also realize that you have to live with it?

You have to accept that the world is crazy to be able to live in it,

before it kills you first.

When you are able to expand your mind and instead of comparing everything,

just accept and enjoy the crazy ride you are about to take.

Don’t worry, nothing is going to be ok.

Just continue what you are doing, but with awareness.

Universe is telling us something.

Universe is telling us to wake up.

But when do you know that you have been woken up?

I think that you just know.

When life is about connections, relations, contentment, happiness,

and most important of all... PRESENCE!!

I understand that people have to work to have a roof over their heads,

food on their tables and after they come home at night,

you feel exhausted and didn't enjoy anything of your day.

Not many people have been waking up yet, some just did and

some sadly enough never will.

It’s about evolution. It’s about change. It’s about experience.

It’s about challenges. It’s about strength.

Universe might drag you down in the deepest black hole,

but it’s only up to you to climb up.

As long as you come with a positive mind and try your best.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.

In the end, Universe will have a great plan for you.

You might not see it now, but it’s there – all planned out already.

Try to be present. Try to enjoy.

It took me a long time to wake up, and I am just

wondering what the hell is going to happen next.

I learned a lot from living in Thailand.

Yoga, mediation & silence brought me a lot of focus.

And silent retreats makes you being more aware of what is going on.

But being a quiet woman is not easy.

In our nature, it’s very necessary to speak 3 times more than a man.

And it can be very frustrating when you WANT to speak, but can't.

As I have been in a “relationship” before without speaking so much,

mostly because of the language barrier, it’s even harder.

And I’m doing it again for some reason.

I guess I just have to learn.

It’s absolutely beautiful to feel love and loved.

Absolutely beautiful for a short while, but this isn’t a movie.

This is real life and it doesn’t last for that long.

Because people have too many needs. And too much ego.

That is not love.

People confuse love with needs.

It’s a completely different energy to tune into.

We most of the time disconnect our hearts and start using our brains instead.

Our needs.

But what if ….

And what will people think?

And what will we do? How will this work out?

So many thoughts, and so little presence. 

What if you die tomorrow? 

But we are big, we are strong, we are independent,

but most of all – we are afraid.

Of one single thing.

The only thing we need to survive.

Love.

That is all we need and all we want in the end.

Because in the end, when we want things and need things,

But because of fear, we stay closed, we stay focused at work, we disconnect.

Don’t live in the past, and don’t plan the future too long ahead.

You will never be able to change your past, neither your future.

The only thing you can control is what you do TODAY!

It’s happening NOW.

Right in front of your eyes.

This is the hardest part.

We all live in different realities.

It doesn’t matter what you do, it’s up to you to create it and it’s up to you to live it.

Sitting in my new kitchen.

On the second floor.

Downstairs cars are driving.

Dogs are barking.

People are talking.

And somewhere around they are playing some latin music.

My kitchen is outside of the apartment.

It’s more of a bar and I have another table next to it.

It is fully furnished.

I have one room with a big bathroom.

My own laundry machine. (yay)

And my “living room” is literally the kitchen and the rest of the floor.

Next to me (a door from my kitchen) lives a older woman.

Americana with 2 dogs named Barkely (yes he barks) and Sasha.

She is half of the owner of the house.

Upstairs is a big roof top.

On one side you see the caribean view and the other side is over to Cancun.

Beautiful both of them.

Downstairs lives Milon (Smile-on)

He is the other half owner of the house.

He is an older man at the age of 79, old fisherman,

American with 1 dog named Margarita.

He reminds me of my grand father in a way.

He got a lot of stories to tell.

I need to sit down with him soon and listen to him.

He talks a lot.

He loved Swedes he said.

One of his ex girl friends back in the days was Swedish.

But, she is dead now.

And today he asked me if I wanted to join them for Christmas dinner.

And he asked me to make a Janssons frestelse.

(Swedish traditional Christmas food)

How can I say no to that?

I think I will adopt him as my new grand father.

I decorated my kitchen with nice cozy Christmas lights and re arranged a little bit.

I destroyed my white laundry today too.

Everything is brown, but laying in clorine over night.

FUCKING SHIT!

Half of my stuff were stolen too.

I have been pissed about this today.

But I am also on my hormones so pissing me off is easy at the moment.

In all this, I open my bag and I remember that I got a gift from Sandra from earlier today.

A brownie from Café Rooster.

OMG. Can you get happier?

It was a tropical storm today.

Everything was flooded.

This happens all the time when it rains.

I went for Yoga at Pocna, directly after Yoga it started to rain.

I met Sandra for breakfast.

Since the rain didn’t stop, the breakfast became almost lunch.

And we found Christy on the way who gave us a ride home.

When I came home the internet didn’t work.

And haven’t ever since at all today but tomorrow they will fix it.

I’m actually enjoying it.

I’m drinking tea, listening to music, eating my chocolate brownie,

organizing my papers, studies, and I decorated the room and kitchen today.

Just missing one person here right now.

And not having internet feels kind of lonely.

I feels weird for me to miss someone like I do now.

But I like to miss someone and the feeling makes me happy.

Happier than I have been in the past year anyway.

I kind of lost hope when it came to good men,

and no matter what happens it feels better.

And I got my hope back.

Specially after couple of fails lately.

Unexpected connections from out of the blue,

in Sweden actually.

Someone who made a very strong influence on my way of thinking lately.

After traveling for a long time, it kind of thoughens you up a

little bit and you get used to people leaving all the time.

(Or you will leave)

I really enjoy being alone and I am used to it by now.

But when I met him, it totally gave me hope again that there are good men out there.

I’m very thankful for this connection. No matter where it leads.

Like I have said before, you meet everyone for a reason.

Now it’s just matter to find out why.

Diego have arrived to the island and his girlfriend will come to Isla for Christmas.

It's so nice to have a friend here, on my paradise island! :)

Over Christmas and New Year I hopefully get a nice visit.

I can only wish.

In January I will have friends coming over for the BPM festival in Playa Del Carmen.

I have already job offers coming in and I am over whelmed with compliments.

I’m laying very low at the moment since I’m on hormones and I am a bit sensitive.

No, I have to say that I am in love with my new place.

I am super satisfied.

Now I’m just waiting for someone to come over and join me.

Well, that's all for today.

It's time for some tea.

Ciao!

People might wondering what the hell I’m doing with my life.

And to be honest, I have no idea myself except from that I’m following my intuition

and walking a path that many people might not be able to do.

Or they are not strong enough to take the step and actually do it.

Believe me, it’s hard but once you’ve done it, it’s freedom.

I’m on a spiritual journey and I’ve been trying to find a place in the world where

I can settle down and live a good life.

So far I have 2 beautiful islands that I can call homes.

And a third life in Sweden.

I am very thankful for everything that I have in my life and the experiences

that I’ve been going through for many years.

If I could recommend anything for anyone in this world, it would be : TRAVEL!

I walk my path alone and no one else can walk it for me.

Some people might take me as too spontaneous, but you have to risk a bit to live a little.

It would be nice to have someone by your side and walk the path together,

but we all have our missions in life and we can not force someone to stay by your side.

We meet everyone for a reason, that’s for sure.

To learn and to grow so we can become better human beings.

And after that, everything will fall into place.

Doing it together is strong, something I would call love.

Life is about learning.

The more you learn, the more you understand.

The more you understand, the more you realize that you don’t understand anything.

Sounds familiar?
GREAT, you are on the right track!!!

But continue to learn and in the end you will realize that you’ve

got everything you asked for, in one way or another.

But you need to open your eyes and see the signs.

And follow your intuition.

If it wasn’t because of this, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

But couple of years ago when I was the most miserable of all times,

something inside of me whispered; Never give up.

A change is going to come.

I met the right people at that time to support me and I had

this on mind all the time and look where it took me in the end.

The journey is far away from over but you just have to start

believe in yourself and that you can do it.

I’m alive, I’m stronger than I have ever been before and I learned by my mistakes.

Pieces of my puzzle are starting to fall into the right places and I didn’t have a clue myself.

Not sure if it comes with the age or the experience. Maybe both ;)

It’s been a roller coaster ride for sure, but I’m here and I still live a good healthy life.

I might not be the richest person on the planet but I learned many years ago

during a depression, that money isn’t everything.

I prefer to be happy.

Money makes me sad, but we still need it to survive.

(The world is crewl)

When you learn more about how to detach from things, you have learned a lot in life.

And when your plan crashes, you just need to have a backup plan.

If you don’t have one,

you might have to struggle for a while until you are back up on your feet again.

But don’t be greedy and don’t let things effect your ego.

Easier said than done.

The more you give, the more you get.

 DON’T LIE.

Not to yourself, and not to anyone else.

What I learned today is that I believe that the people that

have been hitting rock bottom once or twice,

are the ones waking up and realizing what’s important in life.

How we could be able to change ourselves, we can help others to change.

By just being there for them.

Just by doing our best.

And not by forcing anything on to anyone (that doesn't work, believe me)

We can’t walk the path for them, the person needs to be ready for a change.

We can only inspire to create a better place, a better world.

Be inspiring towards others, be supportive, do good.

But take no shit. Believe in Karma. Focus on yourself.

It will come back to you sooner or later and that’s just how Universe works.

A bit of my daily life, a little update then:

I had one lady coming to talk to me after yoga class and asking me if I was a Yoga teacher.

Yes, how do you know? 

It seems like you have a very focused mind she said.

She is correct when I'm in class, but oooh, boy...

she should know what's inside my head after the Yoga class ;)

I already got contacts for doing massages, I just need to go and buy a new massage table now.

I have barely been on the island for a week and I have been busy full time.

I am not allowed to be on the beach for couple of more days, but soon playa norte, very soon! :)

I'm trying to adjust again, to adapt to a different continent again.

Culture differences have changed my way of thinking a lot.

And the people that I've met lately have been a big inspiration for me, in both good and bad.

I detach, and the ones that wants to stay just have to follow.

I'm not a follower, I'm a leader.

There you have it.

Over and out for today.

More updates from Isla Mujeres will come soon! :)

Time for blog post numero dos.

I’m at home in our big nice house in the jungle.

Packing my bags and getting ready to leave the island again for a month.

Next destination: Kota Kinabalu, Borneo, Malaysia.

Really looking forward to some unexplored teretory in the world.

My friend Joey that I used to work with on the yacht in Malaysia is getting married.

Joey was the chef on board the sail yacht while I was a stewardess.

We became very good friends during this time!

During the wedding it’s a purple theme in the church and red theme at the party afterwards.

My mission for today was to buy a purple dress.

Found it in Thong Sala after all.

I already have a red one, so that was good at least! :)

The only thing I need now is a belt.

I also found a wedding gift. Just a little something.

It’s really hard to buy a gift for someone you haven’t met for more than 3 years.

And specially when you’ve never met the bride either.

I’m so happy for him (them) though.

I should definetly pack my bags. It’s a lazy day today though.

I have a lot that I will keep here with Linda while I’m gone.

I mean, I have a massage table, a bag I sent with the mail from Sweden and then a big plastic bucket with full of stuff. A big backpack and a small one. That’s a lot!!!

I’m bringing 2 of them that’s all. 

Feel a bit sad because I will separate from Linda and Stine.

Stine is going home to Denmark again and Linda will be right here with the 3 dogs – Dottie, Truls and Tommy!

Amazing dogs by the way.

We howl together in the dark and we wake up the whole

neighborhood with dogs in the middle of the night…

I love Thailand. Really. And all the Thai dogs.

Dogs interest me a lot. I’ve always been a cat person, til couple of years ago.

I really really REALLY want a dog. I saw a clip with the minions today.