ૐ It's just me ☼ Lee Lee ૐ ☮ ♥

I've been thinking alot of how people act, think and behave.
Since many of you people know that I like crazy people,
but is this ok in the "normal" world as well?
In the friendship I look for, acting relaxed, responsible,
with respect to others and of course with SELF-RESPECT
is one of the biggest things I look for in a friendship.

It's the same as in a relationship.
If you don't have self-respect, you will go nowhere.
No one will love you for the one you really are!
You have to start to LOVE yourself instead.



(a picture I got from Fabian on Bali. At least I am having alot alot alot of fun here)

And love yourself without drugs or alcohol.
I see alot of troubles behind the crazy people.
The same trouble I had myself....

Some of them are hiding and they are trying to hide it with many things.
I cannot do much more then be a helping hand if they need it.
But many can also be offended if you ask them if they need it.
But it's time for me to speak up.

I cannot have friends going behind backs,
being "SLUTTY" and/or taking to much alcohol or drugs.
They have to have a relaxed side as well so I can trust those people.
It's not something I want in my life in the long term.
Having fun is no problem once in a while.
But later the "fun" is the problem to handle.

People also get the picture of ME being the same way.
If my friend is a SLUT, I am too.
But I'm not.
WAKE UP instead and most of all: WAKE YOURSELF UP!!!!!
Deal with the problems.

I am far far away from being superficial ....
My only problem is that it's hard to find nice retarded people to hang out with today....
I need a spice in my life.
But also a person who can behave and have self-respect!
Who I actually can look up to.

As times flies by she sits with an empty look on her face.
She is confused.
The days feel the same, they are all just one big summer night in the end.
Same same but different.

Sometimes she do stuff even if she doesn't want to.
She needs to breath. She needs space.

But she lives today and she feels good.
She enjoys every single moment.
She is happy anyway, she only need a break from everything.
Somehow she is tired of this. She wants more.
She wants adventure, she wants to do different things.
She gets bored easily.
She needs fire. She needs something that blows her away.
Something that catches her and have her.
It have not been long time ago she came back but she is allready looking for more.
She can't get enough.

She is looking for something she doesn't know what it is.
It's somewhere out there. She is just going the wrong direction.
She lost herself somewhere,
she came a long way in her searching but things are not always easy.
It's a long way and she haven't even walked halfways.

She goes with the flow at the moment but normally she likes to walk the other way only
because it's harder and then you will have a mission to make, mostly for yourself.
Coming back to new friends is sometimes hard,
because it's very easy to fall back into old habits from time to time.
Like many others knows about it, many people always take an easy way out.

But, news flash: Life ain't easy and if you don't struggle a little bit, you come nowhere.
Where are all the people that are smart and wise and blow my mind away with knowledge?
I need advise. I need something to learn. I need something to do.
I think I need to shut my phone of for couple of days and just be home and think.
Or at least alone, maybe go down on Möllan and meet someone
old hippie that can blow my mind away with stories or something?

That's the only thing I miss from traveling.
All the weird people you meet, that you normally never meet.
And how you can connect with someone that is so different compares with yourself.
How easy it starts to get to read people, how they work and how they act.

But in the end, we are all the same.
I am looking forward to the end of summer when I maybe get a visit from another country.
No expectations, if it happens I just get happy and lucky!

Until then I have to survive here and... wait.

Just a small thought...

In Sweden they started to show comercials from OREOS.
We had them for a while, but it's not until now they start to get popular.
(Damn America)
We have a Swedish version, called Ballerina. (Which kicks ass)

Anyway.....
The comercial is the most pervert comercial I've seen.
To be correct - HEARD!
I don't know if they say the same thing in english, but this is translated into Swedish.

TWIST, LICK, DIP!
(snurra, slicka, doppa)

First time I saw it on TV, I laughed my ass off.
It's true, but come on....
What do you think of?
Or is it just me that react on this one?

I THINK SEX ANYWAY!



THIS IS THE SWEDISH VERSION - BALLERINA

Sometimes I wonder if it's just me that is happy.
That feeling of joy inside that is bubbling inside my tummy.
Almost like being in love, but I'm not in love.
So, I wonder.... WHEN I am in love, how does that work then?
Am I going to bubble over from the feeling of love and joy then?

Fly on pink clouds or just be the same dreaming Lee that lives in another world?
No. I am positive and happy that I have a great life,
friends, family and I am just greatful to be alive.

You can't love too much. that's for sure.
And LOVE is ALL we got and all we need, so why stop loving?
I learned many lessons through the years.

Someone CAN'T love you, if you don't LOVE yourself.
I can finally say that I really love myself again.
I am stronger then I have never been before.
I know what I want with my life.

Now I just have to match someone else that has the same goal as myself.
My tingly feeling inside my tummy is nice to have.
And sometimes I wish I had someone to share all my energy with.
And enjoy all the nice things that I am enjoying.

Tomorrow it's time to start with the Yoga again.
Tonight it's time for a jog in the park.
And maybe even going to see the "water show" at night.

Meow Meow. Time to continue my thinking....

THAT IS THE QUESTION!

I don't know what's right or wrong in a situation.
If I do one way I can blow chances I've waited for a long time.
Those chances who never comes, and I know that they are there somewhere deep within.
And if I do it the other way I may have to wait for ever or for nothing.
I don't know what to do.
The situation is messy.

But I am not sure to 100%
So, should I just forget about the whole situation and don't care at all?
Or should I get ALL IN ??
We'll see what happens.

It's definitly a situation.
A frustation. Big frustation.

I don't even know if I can handle the ALL IN game.
I want more. And I don't want to play.
AND there is a person who reminds me WAY TOO MUCH of someone else.
It is crazy, it's same same but different.
Better.

Uuuhh... Though.
I eat strawberries until then, and continue wondering....

Damn this. It's so typical me to have this situations.

My concentration and focus have been somewhere else the last couple of days.
I have just been spending time with my friends and therefor
not so much time in front of the computer.
And since the sun is up, it's less bloging as well.

So when I write I don't have so much to write about.
Well, I still have alot inside my head that wants to come out,
but now I actually can communicate and let my thoughts be free
and people really listen to me and understand me.

I met Elin yesterday.
After our day together she said:
"Lee, I feel more comfertable with you now. You made me stop and actually think!"
Sometimes I don't realize that WHAT I say to people actually EFFECT them.
And they DO listen even if I don't think that they do.
I think I can effect people more today then earlier in my life.
Maybe because I am so strong and I believe in myself more as well....??
I am more relaxed and no need of attention.

I remember when I dated a guy around 2 years ago.
Let's call him "The big bad wolf".
He was a guy that made me stop and think.
What he told me came right out from his heart and he was being honest and straight forward.
I never met a guy who was like that before.
He was so much smarter then me, and way too good back then.
But we were not on the right level then so it didn't work out.
But what he told me about many things, surrounding life,
thoughts and how we think effected me very strong.
And now when I'm on the same level as he was before, I UNDERSTAND!
I really understand what he ment and I can look back and ask myself:
Lee, how could you be so stupid?
And what if he saw me now?
I would be a completely different person.

I am glad that I can effect people with my beliefs and my experiences.
And now even my thoughts that are more positive.
And I am glad that I meet other SMART people that can effect me as well.
Who I can learn from. Those people that I will always respect.
Those things means alot and of course you get happy
when you hear that you are an awesome,
smart, good looking and a cool friend. And some people actually could marry me.
That's a shock to me! Me? Lee? Hello!

Maybe because I am me.
Because I am real.
And if YOU are real, you understand.

Well, that's all from me today.
I hope that I can effect you as well.
Keep on reading ;)

Lots of love. Your friend, the goddess .... (haha)
LeeLee

Last night I went to bed pretty late.
In the middle of the night I had a dream about an old friend.
My dream felt pretty real and in the dream I met this friend somewhere.
I was pretty cold to him and he gave me a comment.
The same moment I wanted to give him a face,
he looks at me just the way he can do and smiles at me.
He put out his tongue and gives me a wink.
Just like he always done.
That smile made me all warm inside. That was for real.
It felt like my life rewinded and we were back on square one.
When we could get along and be good friends.

All I can remember after that is that I tell him "Welcome back, I missed you".
This feeling I had in the dream was so strong.
So strong that I woke up and I was wide awake.

06:40. Uh.
It took me at least 15 min to go back to sleep.

So people... Smile more!
It can change alot, that's for sure.

Think about how much WORDS mean to you.
And how they effect you.
They are pretty powerful and strong right?
And you always want to hear the right words, right?
And when you don't, you can get upset or sad.

Just think before you open your mouth the next time.
Think about what you say to the person.
Or how you say it. (Or if you write something.)
Think about how it can relate to different kinds of feelings you have.
And you can go from being happy to feel totally blank in 2 seconds.

Feelings you can't control.
You don't have to say much.
Sometimes a little thing like "Thank you" or
"I'm sorry" can mean more then 1000 other words.
But say it with your heart. Mean what you say.
Don't just say things, just because.

WORDS ARE POWERFUL!
I've said it before but many people don't understand it.
So I say it again.... WORDS ARE POWERFUL!!!!!!!!



Make a change?

I am glad that some people in the world can speak up
and be honest and say what they think. And actually mean it!
I want to say that I am sorry, to all the people that I've lied to.
Sometimes I lied only to protect myself.

I love you all. Have a great weekend.
MUAK* like they say in Thailand :P

I came home late from town and started working on my painting and trying to finish it.
The hours flew by and suddenly it was past 22:00.

But at least I finished the painting and it's awesome.

I am jelous that Annica is going to keep it.

I am actually thinking about making a new one to keep myself haha.

 

Well, I took my new blue monster KRONAN bike down to Glenn and his girlfriends crib.

When I arrived, Christofer and Marcello is allready there.

We were just waiting for Linus and Saana, that never arrived.

Alot of ”shit-chat” and DEF COMEDY JAM later,

all of us almost fell a sleep on the couch.

Now it's way past my bed time. Actually it's soon time for breakfast.

Well, I have all afternoon tomorrow to sleep I guess.

 

It felt like someone were missing at Glenns place,

(more then Linus and Saana)

Someone who fills out the empty spot.

Someone who I could smile at and with.

Feel the warm vibration in the air that filled my heart.

Someone who I could touch and be close.

Someone who understands me.

Someone that I miss.

 

I almost forgot that feeling.

I almost forgot how it felt to be in love.

I miss that feeling alot.

 

There is no more games for me anymore.

Next time is the real deal, I am tired of everything else.

Until then, I'm becoming a nun!

I'm gonna sit here and wait for my prince to arrive on his white horse.

He has to come and save me.

I DON'T FUCKING CARE what you say!!!!!!!

Because I know that he is out there somewhere....

I just haven't met him yet.

After a wild boat and bus ride for 18 hours or so, I was exausted.
The boat from Koh Phangan to Koh Samui was harder then I thought.
For my skin!
I forgot how sunburned you could get being on a boat.... without sunscreen.
When we arrived in Surathani I was red as a lobster.
You are now more then welcome to call me PINCHY.
And I have to say that during my WHOLE trip (almost 9 months),
I have not got really sun burned at all.
(not like this)



When arriving on the bus, I started to watch AVATAR!
What a great movie. Thumbs up!
I want to be an Avatar!!!!

After a while I started to feel sick.
Sweaty, cold, headache, stomache pain etc etc.
WHAT? How? Why?

Was this because of the sun earlier?
Or the fact that I had to concentrate to watch the TV in the bus from far distance?
Something I ate? Maybe the driving?
Or a mix of everything together? I guess so.

My ass was numb. My neck was stiff.
It wasn't like I could do Yoga on the bus.
I hate long bus rides. All I could think of was Adeline.
When we took the bus to Chiang Mai.
I still feel bad for some things.....

When I arrived in Bangkok 04:30 am I walked down to Apple guesthouse.
The place I stayed before, where I started my journey in september last year.
The place was empty. I knocked on the door.
No one opened. I knocked again and "Mad dog" came out.
He lost alot of weight.
I don't know if he recognized me, but I was to tired to chat at the moment.
So I went to bed right away.

I woke up from something sounded like a dog toy,
but it was the sound of a baby walking around with
those funny squeeze things underneithe the shoes.
Very annoying in longterm.
So there I was, back at the place where I started.
Things seemed so different. (And they are too)
I went for breakfast.
I looked at the round table outside.
There was no one sitting there.
Not even Mister Burns.
And all the beer in the fridge was still there...
You could see a smile on my face.
No Frix, no Sofie, no Tim, no Adeline, no Sebastian.
Just me!
The smell from the wooden house hitted my nostrils and
memories suddenly flashed by in my head.
A feeling of lonelyness hitted me.

I miss them. I do, and I don't deny it.
I've lied enough. Mostly to myself and I won't do that anymore.
Ever again.
Something that started so good, ended up so wrong.
The 3 amigos went different ways and there is nothing to do about it.
But the GOOD memories I had with them,
I will always keep in my heart. Always.


First day in Bangkok 11 september 2009!
The reunion of the 3 amigos from Mexico.
Tim, me and Adeline....

A memory that always will last. Inside.

Peace out.

I feel totally retarded when it comes to Love nowdays.

I do have so many feelings and alot of love to my friends.

But when it comes to the opposite sex, I don't know how to act anymore.

I almost forgot what it is..

 

Can someone tell me?

 

 

In this moment I miss this and would do anything to get this.....

Just to get a hug from someone would mean so much.

A real hug. The one that lasts for more then 30 sec.

A hug that you actually can feel the other persons love from.

To be held by someone at night, or hold someone.

Sniff or kiss someones neck and touch his / her face.

Someone who can look deep into your eyes.

That strikes my hair, touches my nose.

Be close to you, and there for you when you need it.

You have a shoulder to cry on when you need it.

And you are not afraid of it.

You can walk around without make up and he can say that you look amazing.

Someone who is proud of you and want to show you to the world.

When you talk with your eyes.

When there is alot of passion.
Someone that can touch your shoulder when passing by,

kiss your forhead in the morning,

grab your hand while walking or even smacks your ass with a smile.

Who respect and love you for the one you are.

 

And have a smile that is real.

A person that is for real.

When you can look at eachother for hours.

And feel that 2 becomes one.

You should be the best for eachother!

 

Is that what you call love?

 

 

Oh I miss that feeling. I miss to hold someone in my arms...

Have you ever wondered how it would feel like to face the death?

Or let go of your fears?

For exemple: When you are afraid, but you wonder how it would feel like

to let go of the break on your bicycle, down the big hill.

 

When you feel that you are ALIVE and it's awesome!

 

First time I did this (it's a great exemple actually)

I had sooo much adrenalin in my body. And I survived.

That rush, that feeling, to just be alive is awesome!

To be afraid and realize that it's not bad after all....

You let go of everything around you and just DO IT!

It's simple, but it's BIG!

But I also knew that IF something went wrong,

I could have been ended up dead. But I accepted it.

 

I always tell myself: If I die now, I'll die happy at least!

 

I started to face my fears when I was a kid.

I was very afraid of snakes but nobody knew.

One day we were at the Planetarium at Folkets Park and our ”guide”

placed a long green snake on my body.

I didn't dear to say anything because then I would have

made a fool of myself in front of my friends haha.

I remember it so clear.

 

My heart was beating faster and faster, I couldn't move.

I totally freezed, and I my whole body got cold and white.

(Lucky it was winter so nobody noticed haha)

I had a white big winter jacket and the snake went inside from one arm,

under my jacket, and out through the other arm. Harmless.

I couldn't do much more then laugh, because it tickled me :P

Since that day, I wasn't afraid of snakes anymore.

 

And since that day I thought that :

If I do like this with all my fears I would be fearless.

I was around 8 at the time....And I was right!

The smart little blondie was right, believe me or not!

 

Today I am fearless and that's the truth.

Even if it has been taking a long time.

I'm a bit slow, we all know that haha.

But I manage sooner or later.... :)

It does happen that I find new fears though, then I do what I can :)

 

Good Luck everyone!

 

 

As I started to read the book "The Game" by Neil Strauss,
MANY thoughts were running through my head....
I have not read alot yet, but I thought - Is this for real?
As I continued my reading,
I tried to connect the book with myself and guys that I've met through the years.
And I've met a couple of good actors with many secrets.
Smart men but yet so stupid.

I realized that I actually know guys like this.
Then I continued to wonder.....HAVE THEY READ THIS BOOK????
Or maybe THE RULES OF THE GAME????
Are they one of them? Maybe they are even in the book?
I actually had to look it up online,
see images of Neil Strauss and the other people from the book to believe it.
Lucky, it wasn't some of the guys I know HAHA.

I know I've heard about the book before.
From a guy that was reading it and thought it was awesome.
I just can't remember who it was. I wasn't impressed anyway.



READ ABOUT THE BOOK ---------->>>>> HERE!!!!

Then I just felt stupid. I've been in the game.
But you know what they say: "DON'T HATE THE PLAYER, HATE THE GAME".
I've lost many times, but I have won many times as well.

I then realized that I played it myself, with others.
For those who know me well, maybe knows that I lived my "wild life"
when I was between 17-21 y.o. When I did everything and a bit more.
That's also a reason why I sometimes think that the people in my
age are boring and just want to party.
Been there done that - Too many times!

I also realized that it doesn't give me anything to live a life like that.
Sometimes you get of track, but slowly find your way back in the end.
Why play a pointless game?

I've always had older friends, more experience and always felt older then I am.
Sometimes I say "I'm too old for that". With that I mean that I've done it before
and don't want to do it again.
People always respond: "But you are so young, come on".
THAT'S NOT WHAT I MENT!!!

And some people think it's because I think that I am better and smarter then them.
WRONG. I am in the same age and I don't think I'm better then anyone else.
Some stuff is just not fun anymore when you've done it over and over again.
You need new adrenalin. From something else.

That's it for me today....

And by the way : ZEBRA means quality.

Once and a while during your lifetime you are going to meet

a person / persons that you can only look at and you can feel a connection with.

Complete strangers.

Someone you've never met and it feels like you have

known eachother for decades. It's something you can't explain.

Sometimes it's someone you don't even have to speak to, because they allready ”know”.

A "look" is enough.

It's like you are reading eachothers minds.
Who are this people?
And how do they effect you?
This people can turn your life upside down.
Confuse you and leave you without no trace.
Maybe you open up yourself to this stranger, like you never done before.
Do things you've never done before, good or bad.
Help you or destroy you.

Will they ever show up again?

Do you recognize the feeling?
Have it happened to you?
Then you know what I'm talking about.

I've met couple of people like this.

Some of them I still have in my life, and still have a good connection with.

Some of them walked another direction then me in life.

 

And then we have the others, that are not that deep.

During one year, I've met 3 people like this.

2 of this moment were in Turkey and in the marina in Langkawi.

And in both those moments,

I and them both knew how the nights were going to end up.

Before I not even said a word to the persons.

How the story ends with the strangers is another story.

It's those moments when you let everything go around you

and fully enjoy the rollercoaster ride of life.

 

Talking with the eyes is sometimes better then the mouth.

And I guess that I am pretty good with body language ;)

Carolina Gynning says that "Inner beauty won't get you laid!"

I say: WRONG!!!

 

Hey.
45 readers on one day! Yay!
But I still don't see any comments....
You guys SUCK!

I've told MANY people this before...
I do know the consequences of having a blog.
I am like an open book, but I don't care.
People know exactly what you are doing, where and when.
Depends what you write about of course.

When it comes to me, I write about my life...
But the more you read about me, don't you ever think that you know me.
You can be a close friend, and in that case YES.
But if you maybe WERE a friend of mine or just are one of those who just follow my life,
WITHOUT any contact with me, do not consider yourself as my friend.

I keep contact with my friends.
And they keep contact with me.
Of course it can take time in between the contacts,
but for exemple IF I contact YOU, and you don't answer me time after time.
Then think about it.... You are actually cutting yourself out of someone else life.
The less comunication, the less friendship you get.

Maybe that's what you want. No problem for me.
I treat my friends with love and respect, and you should too.
But many people should think again what a friendship is and means for them.
Do I mean something for you, in your life?
If I do, are you afraid of me?

I also know that many people is jealous. Why? Of what?
Many people is just looking for Gossip.
I am not a gossip girl, so... go look somewhere else then!

I suggest that you leave a comment if you are brave enough.
It's mostly a hint to you. And a thought... That you should think of.

The only one I know that is brave is Mom, Jane, Sophie, Mia and Pete!
Cheers on you guys.

In Swedish you can call me GRISMAJA!
That's a expression for someone who is a PIG!
Yes, because when I have my mind somewhere else,
and I have stuff to do, or when I'm feeling good actually,
everything around me looks like shit, and I don't care.
Maybe not the best to not care, but life is so much better to enjoy then cleaning.
Like I use to say: "Better with a little bit of dirt in the corner, then a pure hell"
Translation in Swedish is better though.

My room for exemple. I try to clean but 2 seconds later, it's the same.
Plastic bags laying around, clothes on the floor (that's my favorite)
Bottles, food, I try to be careful with the trash because of the ants.
And everything I want to save I put in the fridge.
Books in the bed etc, yeah you saw my pictures from earlier blog post.

Tv is on, always, even if I'm not looking.
Good that they have english tv.
I watch CSI everyday!!! :) And now, a NEW CSI is coming up!
YAY!  First episode today woho.

I had to buy a pizza today. I found a Italian place.
Expensive for economy, but I was really hungry!!
So, I ate half and wanted to eat the rest later.
I putted the plasticbox outside of the Yoga hall.
Since I was just in time for the class,
I didn't have the chance to get home before class and leave my food.
When I take my food, it's covered - like always. In those damn ants.
KILL EEEEEEEEM!!!!!!!!
So, it was a just to eat a sandwich instead., damnit!



Just a thought....

First bottle from the left is 600 ml I guess (Don't read Thai, but I know numbers)
It costs 8 baht = 1,94 kr
Second bottle is 1 liter and costs 15-18 baht = 3,63-4,36 kr
Third is 5 liter and costs 38 baht = 9,21 kr
Finally the last one is 20 liters and costs 50 baht = 12,12 kr

WOULDN'T YOU BUY THE 20 LITER ONE?

Why doesn't all FARANG buy this as well? (Thai for foreigner)
Hmmmm... Maybe a bit hard to carry around I guess, but if you stay a longer time....

Well, anyway... I have alot of water now haha.

Time to update about the Yoga. Later.

Today I realised that I have not by any chance the urge or need for a drink.
Or smoke, or drugs.
Sometimes I do, but most of the time it's just because I want to socialise
and that's the easy way and what everyone else does too.

I now realised that maybe I hang around or meet wrong people?
And the only time I do drink or smoke is because I feel off track in life.
I may need attention, feel depressed, nervous, stressed or I got hurted etc etc.
I choose (like many other) the easy way out sometimes.
Which I know is wrong. But hey, I'm only human!!!
The only time I drink because it tastes good, is maybe when I mix my own drinks.
Or buy a expensive wine to enjoy to my dinner that I have cooked.
I have been drinking alot in my life, and by that I mean ALOT!



And I remember when Göran on the gym told me:
- Lee, I want you to be sober for a month.
I laughed. ME? And I tried my best but it was hard.
I managed 3 weeks. This was november 2008.
It's not THAT long ago, but long enough to say that I have
changed my thinking and my lifestyle alot.
Actually, he made me realise that I was not living a healthy life, even if I thought so.
After not drinking so much, I realised that I was not only looking better,
I also was feeling better and had more energy to do other stuff.
I lost alot of weight because of that and working out.

There were not those complications that appears when you are drunk either.
And going to a party sober was fun,
because then you see all the people being drunk and stupid.
Sometimes it was hard, but then I just left.
Because who wants to sit on a party and be boring?
I am not boring!
I could not do this couple of years ago.
But today's different. If something doesn't interest me, I leave.

When I then started to travel in january 2009, I hitted the breaks for a while.
To get away from "home", meet new people, party, socialise and maybe have a fling.
Who knew what waited me? I grew stronger and stronger.
Lived my life, relaxed and just didn't give a shit.
After a while I got tired, lost my energy and got lazy again.
I got home, worked out at the gym during the summer when I was home. (4 months)
This was not enough since I started to drink and eat unhealthy again.
I realised that I was influent by many friends.
"just one beer" or "But a pizza on a sunday is a must"
I'm a sucker ok?

I have some friends that doesn't drink and I feel totally relaxed with them.
And those who drink too much,
I try to avoid as much as I can otherwise I got influent too much.
In the end of August 2009, me and a friend of mine went to TURKEY together.
I had ONE drink on the whole trip, I felt really really good during that trip actually.
I was relaxed and comfertable.
And I did not have to drink to meet a guy or socialise.
And let's not talk about the sex.
I also had 20 times more fun being sober, but just being me!

Lately I haven't been myself.
I also think this is because I don't have those people around me
that I feel safe and secure with.
Those people I trust or talk to me when ever.
I have been there for many on my trip, listened and get advice.
Wasted time, money, energy and love....
Because when you give, you hope to get something back.
But who has been there for me (FOR REAL) when I needed it?
Only ONE that I can remember.
And his name is Joey Jinius.
( I am not talking about my friends from back home that I met here )



2 days ago, when I had my talk to my friend I broke down.
I sat on the bathroom floor and cried like a baby.
Only because I realised so many things, and I felt so good afterwards.
I felt so good that I got anxiety over it.
I don't have many troubles I worry about, but those I have I try to deal with.
Sometimes I just need to be CONFIRMED.
Like many other people.

You need someone to tell you that you are awesome and good.
Or that they love you or other stuff.
Or sometimes when someone hurted you,
the only thing that is needed is a "SORRY".



This is it for today...

Later.

Welcome to realisation in the world friends.
Wake up and open your eyes and look around you, do something.
Do something with yourself.

Yesterday night I ended up in a deep and long conversation
with omeone that is really close to me.
I then realised that my life isn't too bad after all.
After all I've seen that night. I am lucky.

After playing with the children in the age of 5 that is walking around in Patong,
at 03:00 am trying to sell neckless to drunken tourists to make a living, to help their parents.
Is that a happy childhood?
I started to play with one of the girls.
And one after the other lined up in a row to be the next to play with me.
They wanted to be children!!!!
I carried them around, upside down and I was a carousell to them.
When I putted down one girl, another one stand next to me and pulls my shorts and says:
- Now me, now me.

Anyway......
I realised that my problems are nothing compared to the rest that is going on in the world.
Even though you always have something to complain about.
I was surrounded by "real people".
Those who have troubles and share them instead of putting
a fake smile on their face, be superficial and act like nothing ever happened.

For those who know me, I don't like fake. I see fake clearly but I don't say it.
And when I do, they know it and feel bad about it.
To me? Why? YOU ARE ONLY LETTING YOURSELF DOWN!!!
I am not superficial and never will be, and if I am it's only for a moment.
Let say if I don't like the person for exemple.

I aslo realised that MONEY means SHIT!
Even if money can get you in really fucked up situations and troubles.
It's a security for many people, but it's also bad for those who can't handle it.
It can make you do crazy shit.
Many people are miserable because of it and some are just greedy and want more.
I've been one of them, but I realised what it ment. NOTHING!
I rather be happy and poor then miserable and rich.
The only thing that mean something is TRUST, LOVE and RESPECT!
THAT IS THE SHIT! :)
I only wish that the rest of the world would realise that.

Anyway... I realised that I am living a great life because I will never let myself down. Never.
I trust myself more then anyone else on this planet.
I still have my selfrespect, and I am confident.
Of course it happens that you meet people and get off track.
Feel bad or depressed because the person is not on the same level as you
or as confident with him/her self as you are.
Or they are just afraid or not ready to meet a strong charachter they can not be able to handle.

The last couple of days, I had many feelings about stuff that I have been surrounded by.
And most of the time I am always right.
I met some other strong charachters as myself, and I felt a strong connection right away.
Maybe this is because I can see other people miserable even if they don't show it?

One of this persons, I knew right away that something was really wrong.
Call me weird, but I am better then I know myself of reading other people.
(of course it happens that I am very wrong too)
But at least I don't judge people and actually I don't care
much about how people look like or act sometimes,
because the thing that matters to me is what they have inside.
But of course you have to set a line somewhere as well....

Tonight I ended up with one of this persons anyway,
had some time to talk about personal things and problems with each other.
Even if I don't know this person,
I think it felt good for both of us to open up to a stranger that you doesn't really know you.

Another person we have been spending some time with
the last couple of days is a thai girl.
I've had a hard time to get used to it, but this girl I liked right away.
She is a cool, smart, pretty, funny and a crazy girl. Just like myself.
But, you saw in her eyes that she was sad. It was heartbreaking.
And I complain about my life....
The only thing many of the Thai girls want is just hoping to find their big true love,
like many other girls do around the world. (even me)
But are being left alone in the end over and over again.

I try to deal with my problems, otherwise they will grow bigger until I expload.
If you take care of yourself, you feel better and don't have anything on your back.
Or a stone in your stumache.
That's why many of my close friends like me, I got it confirmed by many.
I am honest and say what I like, and I stand for it.
But I also know that I am far from perfect, but I am fine with it.
I am who I am. Like any other human. We are just one big family.

This is it for tonight.
Update later. Good night Lots of Love / Lee

Ok, answer to question:
I don't think I have lost weight.
I gained weight on my trip, wich is the most normal and easy thing to do when you travel.
When you can't control food (buy and cook), drinks, exercise and a normal living.
It's hotter, you get more tired and I drink way to little of water.
But I am working on it at the moment.
So, MAYBE some people are right about that I lost some weight the last month or so.
That is also my goal, but I can not see it myself, so I still work with it until I am satisfied myself.
I need exercise now though. I can't wait to start with the Yoga!
I got some help at the moment. Or more of a tip.
From Carolina Gynning.
Thank you Carolina for making my life a bit easier at the moment.

I am back in Phuket since couple of days ago.
Starting to feel like I did the last time...
I'm happy as hell, I'm having fun and I'm relaxed etc.
But I realised that I'm paranoid. And afraid.
I don't know what I am afraid off really.
But I'm mostly WORRIED.
Worried that my smile will go away, when I least expect it.
That the stone I carry around in my stumach will get heavier and heavier.
And if my worries show up, the stone will expload.

Every day the same words repeat itself in my head:
"It's gonna happen when you least expect it"

And I know it will.
I am just too emotionell here, but only from day to day.
Sometimes I want to lay down and cry and sometimes I want to have as much fun I can.
My closest friends that I met down here, noticed that it was something different with me.
- No Shit Sherlock!
But you know what they say: "BIG GIRLS DON'T CRY"
Pokerface is also a solution at the moment.

As long as I am busy, I don't think about the stuff that is haunting me.
But that's not good, to keep it in. I know.
So I try to let it go to feel better, but it's harder then I thought.
It wont go away.

Me and Magnus went with his friend and the funny massage girl to Karon Beach today.
Sitting there in the sun, swimming with bigger waves then in Bali made me realise one thing.
I am so glad I have people in my life that
appriciate me for who I am, no matter how stupid I am.

Those you can trust and love. I had an urge to call Marcello.
My little Marzieeeel, feels like my little brother.... So anyway, I did.
It felt so good to hear his voice. I haven't talked to him for almost 8 months.
Almost just 1 month to go, then I'll be home and gonna play with all of you
- THE WHOLE SUMMER!

I can't wait.
Love you all.

By the way. Lady Gaga....



No matter how weird you are and how weird makeup you are wearing
and how weird costumes / clothes you are wearing....
I still think that Lady Gaga is AWESOME, ODD and speciell!
And fucking COOL!



Best Halloween Costume ever!!!





It's ok to be you! :D

There is a lost soul that is haunting me.
Walking around in circles. Confused.
Trying to find something that's not there.

Everywhere I go, anything I do, it's there.
YOU ARE THERE - ALL THE TIME!
Even in my dreams and it doesn't stop.
It doesn't stop until the unfinished business is
finished and the soul can find the way home to it's person again.
It's not in my head and I know I'm right.
And so do you. Even if you don't want to.
But you know it deep within.
So, come over and find your lost soul, it's here waiting to get picked up.
Once you pick it up, you wont be feeling alone anymore.
I swear.

Just a tip.

With great love from the one who found it....