ૐ It's just me ☼ Lee Lee ૐ ☮ ♥

I just have to say that I miss you....

And it hurts to not have you around.

I've had many thought running around in my brain the last couple of days.

While thinking about this, I realised that the offer I got as a Marketing Manager here in Kuta, Bali is NOT me.

Maybe if I force myself just because of the money I can make,

but I don't think I will bring me happyness in long term,

just the temporary happyness like many other things.

But I am really desperate after a job, and that's when you do crazy stuff.

 

I made up my mind anyway – And I am not going to take it!

And since I received a e-mail from a friend of mine with a better

offer the same day, I planned to go for this chanse instead.

It's a MONTH AGAMA YOGA COURSE on Koh Phagnan, Thailand.

 

 

I got the offer to do it months ago,

and YES it has been on my mind the whole time and I planned

to take it before my trip home as a good end of my travel that had it's

up and downs the whole time.

But every time, something came in the way.

Money, job or other complications.

But I think I just wasn't ready at the time and NOW is the best time for me.

He is going to do me a BIG favour that helps me in long term,

and I am going to help him as much as I can.

 

I am more then ready for this now.

To relax, find inner peace and feel better inside.

Maybe find my way, and realise one thing and another in life.

I should have done it months ago, but I had to realise it myself.

 

I am like many other people, I have to do it myself, realise it myself,

and then climb up the ladder myself.

I can not be pushed by others,

then I will just fall down again and have to climb up the same

ladder million of times over and over again. Until I learn my lesson.

But I am a curious person and I do stupid stuff sometimes,

like any other human being that doesn't feel secure.

But, once you realised what you did is wrong, you don't do it again.

Then you get more selfrespect and feel secure again.

This can take a long time for many people.

 

And it's actually the only thing I need at the moment,

since I felt a bit lost and lonely the last couple of weeks / months.

I take the chance, everything is an experience.

No matter if it's good or bad.

 

But since I love YOGA, when I've done it before

I don't think I will regret myself doing it.

And since AGAMA YOGA is famous and good, I trust it.

And I trust him, my friend.

 

I have alot of things to do now, before I go.

So this is the end of my blog post at the moment.

I know I haven't written something in days,

but internet costs alot here and I want to spend as much time as I can

with Annica and Johan before we say goodbye to eachother.

Even if we'll meet back home in June again :)

I am also more then ready to go back to the reality in Malmö again.

It's going to be a BABYBOOM when I come home. OMG!

Anyway. Talk to you guys later.

 

Ciao. Love and Peace. Lee

The Cardigans sings a really good song that inspired me alot.

So, I finally listened to it and took action.

I'm trying to do the ”Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind”

And so far, it's working. As I wrote couple of days ago,

”you should never regret and never erase” and I don't.

But from now on I just move on with the life I want to live.

 

But good connections with some people is hard to find or make.

At least for me. Even if I know alot of people and have alot of friends

and every single one of them, mean something different for me in my life,

it's not many people I've met in life that I feel a good connection with and stays.

I think I can count them on my both hands.

I choose who I want to let inside and who I want to be around and when.

I am not boring in any kind. I am fun.

Well, some people may think I am now in my older days,

but I think it's just because we are on different levels in life.

I am more comfertable today and I CHOOSE WHEN I want to have fun.

 

I also believe that I've met many of them in my past lives.

And it's not a coinsedense that I meet them again, in this life I live now.

My mission for some of them, is to help them with their problems and situations.

And when they are ready, I am ready to move on.

Some of them don't understand or want to take action themself, and then I can't help.

Some of them, I have to learn from. Wich I like.

I like to learn stuff these days (not like when I was a kid)

But I prefer a mix of both, someone you can talk to and that understands you.

I want to visit a REAL medium about past lives.

And find out if I'm right about what I feel.

But I think some of my friends also know that we have a connection from the past.

Someone you can hate and love and something you just can't let go.

 

I remember one exemple:

Me and a friend was going for a coffee in Malmö.

Earlier I talked to one of my closer friends and asked if he wanted to come.

He said something like this: ”I'm meeting another friend today so

I'm not able to meet you later in town, I'm sorry”

When we hung up, I had a feeling about that I was going to see him anyway.

Me and my friend was walking in the rain, on the way home to my appartment.

Since my friend lives very close to me,

I thought more about it and had an even more stronger

feeling about bumping into him on the same street we were walking on.

And 3 minutes later.... What happens?

There he was.

When I saw him, I didn't say anything about it.

But he was laughing and just said : I knew it haha.

I knew I was going to meet you.

I was thinking about bumping into you on here anyway,

so that's why I didn't have to call you.

 

Explain that to me!

Was that just a coinsedense?

Was that our strong thoughts being connected?

And how could we both feel the same thing?

How could we KNOW?

Time for more thinking, but in bed.

Goodnight amigos.

A person who erase things in their life...

 

Erasing for me is regreting.

You should never erase and you should never regret.

Everything is knowledge.

Take it with you, keep it and be greatful for the experience of it.

You should keep everything with you as long as possible.

If it's too hard for you, and if you think it's too hard for you to keep,

do it. Do what's best for you at the moment.

But don't regret it. I regret many times when I thrown

pictures or gave away nice gifts I got from someone.

 

It can be pictures, gifts, sms, e-mails,

diarys, or just something you shared with someone else.

Memories. I don't want to delete someone from my life.

Not until I'm ready at least.

 

Sometimes I WISH I could erase someone from my memory just

like they can do in the movie:

”Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind”

If I actually think about it, I never want to do something like that.

BUT, it would be so much easier.

 

I think you just need to learn how to think different.

See the good things in it. Try to like it.

That's what I'm trying to do.

AND BY THE WAY... IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MOVIE, DO IT!

I try, ok? I TRY!
No matter how hard I try, I just can't.
I try over and over again, but it's impossible.
What is wrong with me?
This is not me. I am stronger then this.

It feels like I shoot myself in the foot everytime.
I feel pain. But I am glad that I CAN FEEL.
I am glad that I feel like a human, and be emotionell and able to break down if you need to.
Maybe you don't want to, but it helps!

One day I'm perfect and the next, you are there.
You are everywhere.
Like a lost soul, trying to connect with me and tell me something.
I try to ignore you, but you keep coming back to me.
You are hunting my brain. Leave me alone.
Had weird dreams lately, strong feelings and I'm afraid that my bad dreams
are going to happen if I don't tell this person.
Something feels wrong.
But there is nothing I can do anymore.

I just want to erase and rewind.
No, I don't. But it would be easier.
From one lost soul to another.... trying to find peace and harmony.
Lost souls have a hard time to find their way back though.
I don't know if I can help this time. Maybe it is NOT a past life friend after all?

I am ready to go home soon.
There is no place like home.

With Love , Lee

BIG TIME!!!!!!!!

Now leave me the FUCK ALONE or DIE!

I just want to send some flowers to my beloved grandmother
Gull-Britt Persson aka. Lally.
That is going through a tough time with the chemotherapy.
I just want to say that you're in my thoughts alot.
And no matter what, I love you.



Some flowers, just for you! :)

Sometimes life isn't was you expected it to be.

You expect so many things,

and when it doesn't turn out your way you get disapointed.

So, I'm just trying to STOP expecting things in my life.

Then I'll never get disapointed.

It's much easier to say then to do, I'll tell you that for sure!

 

But I'm trying my best.

I always do, and I never give up.

I'm trying to know myself to the best.

I'm not perfect, I do many mistakes in my life,

but I sure do NOT do it twice and I always try to think first.

(Trying ok, just trying haha)

I have many up's and down's too as any human being.

A social and unsocial life.

Sometimes you just want to run away and hide,

and sometimes you just want a hug and someone to take care of you.

It's crazy how it can change quick.

 

Life is a rollercoaster, and one more thing....

It's definitly not easy when you are traveling alone.

And you don't have anyone.

No shoulder to cry on or a friend that is there for you when you need it.

That is just life.

 

One thing I noticed in my life is that when I have stuff to do,

being active and being around other people etc,

I don't care about anything else around me.

I can get bored very easy, so for me this is very nice.

I like it at the camp. I'm starting to get used to it now.

Today I had my first alcoholic drink in 2 weeks.

I'm glad that Matt talked me in to this actually.

Thank you Mafro man, you're awesome! :)

Sadly I'm leaving on monday, but have been looking forward to

see my sweet sweet Annica for months now...

 

So finally!! It's time to be around my retarded Chip Chop Chinese.

(As I call her, but she is not chinese)

My BEBOT girl. I'm gonna be a pain in your ass hunny!!

And by the way, I did the Muay Thai today, finally.

Felt good, I'm gonna go for tomorrows class too :)

Trainers name is Lee, fucking awesome name.

So, Lee and Lee... Confusing, but funny. Always!

 

Time for bed. Over and out M.F!!

Meow.

A thing you can't have, but you want it so bad.

But when you've got it, you don't want it anymore.

The grass is always greener on the other side and you

always want to taste the forbidden fruit.

Once you got it, it's time to move on to something else.

Is it always like that? A cat and rat game as I call it?

You want to eat the cookie, but you want to save it.

For the first time in a very very very long time, I have a desire.

I can't say what it is, but many friends already know

the difficulties I've been through lately. It's life you know.

I'll get over it I guess.

Many people get through this in life, and it get's better.

It's something that make you stronger.

I just have a really hard time to let everything go.

I know it's sucks and you feel like shit one day, but the next I feel perfect.

One thing I've learned is that I can run, but I can not hide.

 

You wish that things were different from time to time...

Well, I think it's just all in your mind.

Do you really want to change, or let go, YOU CAN.

I guess that I am not ready to let go yet.

You may not be at the same level as the other person,

you may be on a higher or lower level.

But when you realise what's right and what's wrong, it's often too late.

But remember til next time, don't make same mistakes twice.

What happened yesterday was just another story.

Something that HAS happened, I can't do anything about it, so why worry?

One day at the time, and try to make future plans instead of wondering

about how other situations could have been in the past.

I'm trying to not live in the past. Way too many people live in the past.

I'm trying to live NOW, today! See the good things.

I'm also trying to see good things in the bad things.

I'm always trying to see a reason for everything.

And DAMN, I think I'm trying too much.

 

Oh well... I am a careing person.

I bring joy and love in life, but many realise that way too late.

Peek-a-boo.

Mee at the Petrona towers in Kuala Lumpur.

Couple of months ago I had a dream. (I had it for a while)
One of my dreams was to work on a boat.
I arrived in Langkawi and I had my dream come true.
Then I realised that my dream was just something I wanted to experience.
It was nothing I wanted to do for the rest of my life.
(Maybe if I had my own sailboat and knew what I was doing, and with someone for ex.)
My dream faded away to something else.

But don't get me wrong.
I still want to learn how to sail, for real.
But I don't want to be someones cook, server or housekeeper.
I love being on the sea, and it's a nice feeling.
You feel free and you can go to exotic places, without paying tourguides to bring you there.
But sailing is lonely and you can not go on shore when ever you want to.
(if you don't have your own boat I mean)

So, anyway... I'm still on this website, looking for jobs on boats.
But now I start to question myself. Do I want this?
I guess I need more time to think again.
I got offered 3 jobs on boats, but they are not in Asia.
But very exotic places around the world.
I turned them down though, and then you wonder WHY?
I would go for the shared costs. I need to MAKE money, not pay.
Even if I have free food, good experience from sailing and a place to stay for free.
I don't know what's holding me back. Maybe it wasn't just the right boats??

Well.... I'll find something else... another day...
Bartendering is fun, but doesn't give me that much.

I even got offered a job in COSTA RICA. =)
If I may go there later.
At Alex parents place, a surf hostel. Sounds awesome!
And then you wonder who Alex is maybe?
Just a good looking american guy I met in the marina here in Langkawi.


Now it's time to go to the chinese man and eat some noodles.
Hasta la vista amigos.

A guy told me that once. And since that day it has been stuck on my mind.

And after that I heard almost the same words from another close friend.

Something that is so powerful and strong, have to be controled.

It can be really hard sometimes but that's life. It can't always be easy.

Then you have to try harder and remember your mistakes.

 

Sometimes you wonder if things you do is right or wrong.

It takes time to figure it out sometimes, but sometimes you just know.

I know I have a strong and powerful mind and I

many times know how to control it, or think smart.

Or as I like to say : Different.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I let myself get in to weird situations

because I like it or it gives me a kick,

or if I just want to check if I can do something about the situation.

Changing things, helping people and then move on to another objects of helping.

I don't know if it's in the family but it seems like

we like to help other people before helping ourselves.

 

All of my closest friends and me got something in common.

And I can actually say almost EVERYONE.

(I can count at least 10 on my fingers.)

 

PROBLEMS.

 

Mostly missing FATHER FIGURES. Or family problems.

How come? Is it just a coinsedense or am I drawn to people

that remind me of myself or those who have problems just like myself?

But who doesn't have problems?

I don't like an easy living that's for sure.

 

I've been thinking alot of these kind of situations and I can't figure it out.

Do I want a normal life, ever? NO! (?)

But, WHAT is a normal life?

A ”normal life” is so different for everybody on this planet.

A relationship should not be perfect.

A life should not be perfect either.

If it's perfect, it's not fun anymore.

There should be drama, but you have to draw the line where.

You should feel comfertable together, have a good connection,

should grow together, love, trust and belive each other.

It should be like a best friend. But better.

 

Today I feel weird because yesterday I had too many things on my mind.

I can't put my finger on how I feel really.

My head was just spinning and working harder then ever.

I had 2 days off working but yet I can't relax and feel comfertable.

One second I feel good and happy and the next unfomfertable and unhappy.

Why is this? My life is super great, but I still feel like something is missing.

 

I guess I need to think more maybe. Or maybe less?

I really would love to have more ”alone time” right now, but it's impossible.

I'm gonna go out jogging now and see if it's helping.

It helped me alot before so I'm gonna try.

 

I'll be back later on. Ciao.

Open your eyes and see what's in front of you.
Instead of seeking for something you can not find.
Realise the good things in life.

It's right in front of you. Just think smart!

Sometimes I am just too kind for my own good.
I want to be so mad sometimes, but with some people I just can't.
I don't know why. I guess that I am to nice.

 

But I don't understand how people think sometimes.

Of course everyone can make mistakes but why can't people LEARN from their mistakes?

Just ONCE?

It gets me so mad when people don't care about other people. Egocentric mind!

It makes them feel good about themself for a short while and after a while

they understand what they have done and regret it.

With other words, bad selfasteam perhaps?

I don't understand how a human being can be so nice to

someone but yet so evil and don't be honest and tell the truth.

Be a backstabber and then apologize and say sorry??

How can a human act like that?

You know what? IT'S TOO LATE TO APOLOGIZE!

I know that this person is going to have a bad karma for a while,

I allready know actually.

And I also know that she/he is going to regret many things in life that she/he did or did not do.

This is not really my problem I am talking about, but a friend of mine.
And I do care alot because I hate when friends got hurted.

I love my friends.

All we need is actually just LOVE!

I need someone like me.

But someone different. Someone who completes me.

Someone speciell. Who are not like all the others.

Someone who dare to do those things I never do,

someone with alot of action but who can relax in the same time.

Someone who scare me with alot of stuff but will be there

for me and hold me in the same time.

Someone who can satisfy me, fysical and psysical.

I need someone who understands me, who can finish my sentences while talking.
Someone I can look in the eyes,
and they know what you are talking about even if I didn't open my mouth.
Someone who I have a good connection with.
Someone who can make my brain relax, and just enjoy.

But where the F*CK do I actually find someone like that?
I'm not really searching for it though. I guess it's impossible.

I need someone like myself.

But how do you know that he is like me?

Do you just know or do you think it comes right to you?

I think you know when you feel secure and happy.

I belive in faith. I belive that everything happens for a reason.

I want other people to trust me, people I care about anyway.

If you don't put trust in people, it will get you nowhere.

Couple of years ago I didn't trust anyone.

But today I try to trust people.

I actually KNOW WHO to trust or not.

But of course people always try to take advantage of things,

and I think you need to get fucked over to get

stronger and learn from your mistakes.

 

Anyway...I have my needs. But I guess my needs is to much to ask for.

---

I Love my friends anyway.
They are my life, they make me happy for now.
I don't know what I would do without them.

I Love you guys.

 

Day 16 i guess. I don't really count the days, but it would make sense.

Haha. Well, I'm back in Bangkok again.

Feel a bit restless but I get more and more comfortable here...

Not in Bangkok, but with the company and people.

I like hanging out with the guys too.

I talked to A. today and everything she said maked good sense for me,

just like many other have said the last months....

I am sorry for not being so open to her,

but I am so used to that my friends never tell their feelings or reaction of surtain things.

So, I am back with the people who ASK me how I feel and how I react so surtain things...

I am not used to that. For me, it makes no sense sometimes.

Sometimes I just feel like a coldhearted bitch, but I'm really not.

I'm not really the same person as I was in Mexico, yeah people change alot.

Specially when I am at home in Sweden.

But I try my best to be as happy as I was before. And I am happy today,

but maybe I don't show is as much as I did over there...

And not maybe in the same way as before either.

I am comfortable with myself and I am not in a need of attension as much as I was before too.

I do miss something in my life but I really don't know what.

Like a guy I meet recently told me : Lee, stop being such a girly Swede now...

You over-think it too much. Yeah, maybe I DO think too much.

Make plans in my head for everything... that's me. I know.

Think, think, think.

But I rather think that not think at all, even if I'm blond! :P

Well, so, here I am, in Bangkok, in my room, alone....

 

Hmmmm.... Yeah what ever. see you tomorrow.

 

Sometimes it's not easy when it's hard, they say.

I am so satisfied about my life right now, it's just a couple of things that's missing,

and I know exactly what it is and I know what I want to do with my life.

I have a goal and I am not lost like I once were.

But some people don't know what they want, they are to negative and afraid.

I've been there, so I know how to deal with it, and of course you have your shitty days.

I think that changing the way you think and are used to live / think

will make you strong and change your life to the better. You just have to accept it first.

That is step number one. Accept it and deal with it.

Take a big step, put trust in other people and learn how to be alone and strong.

I wish I could help other people with the same things I've been through in life, but I can't.

I am not God. You have to have the will yourself (to start with)

and you got to have a strong and powerful mind.

Some people find me weird as fuck (but in a good way I sure hope haha),

and some people find me awesome.

Others just call me special and smart eventhough I'm blond haha.

I learn from everyone I met in my life, everyone have different qualities.

Good and bad, but learning about life and yourself is the best I can do.

Even if I do mistakes sometimes.

But you can not learn without any mistakes being done.

If I think of all the people I've met this year so far,

I just remember powerful and cool people that learned me one thing or another.

I am so greatful for everything in life,

and how everybody helped me getting back on the road again.

I love my friends so much,

and I guess you love them more when they are not around.

So, friends... listen...

 

I love you guys so much!

Hej hej.

To tired to write in english sorry.

Jag läste i en tidning för inte så länge sedan,
en insändare av en tjej som frågade om sex grejer.
Tjejen frågade om man kunde få klamydia i halsen,
för det hade hon hört talas om att man kunde.
Och det stämmer. Man kan få klamydia i halsen.
Jag hade faktiskt inte en blekaste aning om att man kunde få det.
Så, går man och testar sig så måste man be om svalj prov också,
för det är ingenting de gör bara sådär som de andra testen.
Jag tycker det låter lite konstigt med klamme i halsen dock...eller?
Smittar det då via kyssar också? Eller kan det smitta när man har det i munnen?
Hur funkar det egentligen? Oralt bara? ??? ? ? ??? ?
Orkar faktiskt inte googla upp det just nu av ren trötthet.
Tänk så går man med klamydia i halsen i åratal utan att veta om det?
Det är väl ingenting en vanlig läkare ser bara sådär heller??

Det var ungefär det här jag hade i min hjärna just nu när jag ligger i sängen och ska sova.
Inte mycket mer än det.

Jag har lust att åka till Turkiet igen. Fan också då.

Sverige = deppigt värre

Sitting here, thinking...

And some things that happen in life, is just those things you never will forget.
I have so many beautiful memories from the last 2 years, and I will keep them close.
Some of those nice memories screws up,
but those moments that you feel so lucky and happy,
that's the one I am keeping close, always!
I am a collector of good moments.

One of the best (in a long time) happened to me resently.
And I was sitting here and thinking about it, and what happend?
My phone beeps, and voilá... an sms from a land far away....
Strong thoughts?



Well, anyway... I would like to experience all my best memories again.
And have that feeling I had then, just once again.
Imagine doing that, it would be the best ever.

Or save it on a hard-drive and look at them when ever you want to.

But I just have to say, Wow... what a night.

Love from Loving Lee

A GAME.
I hate games. But why do we want to play this games?
You don´t want to, but you have to try it. Maybe the bad luck can turn good?
But in the end, the game will win before you.
You fall down in a big black hole, then you are stuck there until the game wins,
and you are once again a looser.
That´s why I don´t play games. I´ve quited with that.
But there is one game, I still want to play somehow, and win btw.
But I will never win that game. It´s like...impossible...
I realized that I am too good for the game though.

In the same second... a super mario melody on my phone plays.

GAME.



At least I still have my chanse of winning the game. I haven´t lost yet.
Hehe....

A GOOD GAME?

I don´t have so much more to say today....
Allready been writing one time today.
It´s just that I check my e-mail very often now....
And it hasn´t been anything there... for days.
I haven´t heard anything for a for a while now.
I wonder if everything is ok....?
Cuz I miss those e-mails in a way.
They kept me happy and satisfied for a while.