ૐ It's just me ☼ Lee Lee ૐ ☮ ♥

One thing is for sure...
My MANIPURA chakra is getting stronger.
Because my ego is getting stronger ever day!!! :D







I am lucky. I am happy. I am here. Now. Today.
Not yesterday and not tomorrow. Now in this moment!
I am surrounded by angels and guides. Everything is perfect.
Calmness, security and love is spreading.
I have a smile on my face that no one can take away from me.
Let this be for ever.

Maybe I am the angel?
I think I am the angel.... So be careful with me.

fragile.

I'm sitting here and celebrate my graduation of my

month course of 150 hours of practise of Yoga with a Schweppes Manao.

(Only avalible in Asia??) Schweppes with lime.

Best Schweppes ever!!!

 

Today was the last day of the first month intensive course in Yoga.

Sad to leave this place but in the same time I am happy to move on.

Move on HOME!

If you don't know it by now, I've choosed myself to lay low with

the social life during the time I did the course.

To focus more and find my way back to myself again. Alone.

That's what I needed. So I practicly stayed in my room for a month.

Believe it or not. Some people find this weird.

I do too actually, because normally I would never do this kind of stuff.

But I am actually really tired of so many things

and I just wanted to focus on myself and no one else.

It have been hard and lonely but I had to do it. For myself.

Finally when you are ready for a social life again,

it's very hard to join into a group that is allready made.

Everybody knew everyone by now, except me. Or at least it felt like that.

It felt like I didn't fit in anyway, so I choosed to still lay low.

 

Well, anyway....

Morning practise was the final practise during our course.

Our Cermony with Swami were at the Shakti hall.

I took my bike, I found the green hall and then I didn't found much more.

I went on and on. Nothing. I had went to far, so I had to go back.

Up and down 5 million hills.... (Kill me pls)

 

During the cermony we all got blessed by Swami

with ash that was a mix of 3 different types of wood.

He then putted it on our forhead while he blessed us.

We also got a neckless with flowers and plasticballs(?),

a muffin and a white thred that he tied around our hand for luck & bless.

And of course I forgot my camera in my room. :(

 

 

We then got a textile bag with the Agama logo, an Agama DVD,

Buissness cards, stickers, tanktop with the logo and

the CERTIFICATION of course! :)

Then some of the students performed some

dancing, singing, read stories or poetry.

 

Certification.

Tank top!

 

The white thred from Swami, and my other band from a Buddist in Kuala Lumpur.

Last one is a Chinese coin, for my year of the OX is going to bring me wealth.

So the things I wear has a meaning after all... HA!

 

The textile bag.... and my feets. haha.

My display on the camera still doesn't work, that's why!

When everyone performed, I realized that I had a new fear...

Stage fright! (I totally forgot it)

To stay in front of a crowd, in the centre totally FREAKS ME OUT!

Some people may not believe this,

but then maybe I had a strong ego made out of ALCOHOL at the time! (?)

But just the thought about it made my heart beat faster and faster.

Even going up to Swami made me nervous.

 

That thought took me back to my younger days in school.

Me and Jeimy (if I don't remember it wrong)

were supposed to go up on stage in front of the school

in some mascerade costumes or something.

I freaked out when I heard other people talking shit

about them there were allready on the stage.

And since then I never wanted to enter a stage again.... Sad.

But before that we did a play in school and I was the head actress....

(Or what you call it)

So let's change that fear, NOW!!!

It's now time for Lee to become a rockstar and sing in front of 40,000 people.

HAHAHAHAAAAAAA..... Or not!

I am amazed by those people who does it.

Now I just have to figure something out, how to let go of this fear.

And being drunk in a kareoke bar doesn't count!

 

The thing is that I can't sing, and I can't play any

instrument or any type of dancing, acting or what ever...

Soooooo.... HELP ME OUT?

 

It's now time to go into town...

C YA!

Second day of 3 I do my TAPAS.

15 min with concentration of the mind.

After 11 min both days I stopped and looked

at the time and wonder when I am finished.

Still no difference. No ball. Nothing.

 

It's THERE, then it's NOT THERE!

We got INITIATED yesterday and we got ourself our own MANTRA.

We stood up each one of us and our teacher touched our forhead

with his thumb and did something that I don't know what it was....?

Initiated us I guess hahaha... sending energy?

This is a very powerful gift, which I am very glad to receive.

People at home even pay money to receive this mantra.

 

Well, then we did it. Repeated our mantra (in the head).

And tried to listen to a sound.

Sound? Nothing. Nada! I feel retarded!

You are now welcome to call me idiot!

We also did Yoga Nidra, which is the Yoga of mystic conscious sleep.

Cool and interesting but Nothing! Or I don't know???

I have a blockage. EVERYWHERE!?

Well, I'm working hard on it anyway and it goes better every day.

I NEVER GIVE UP, that's for sure!

This things can take alot of time apparently,

so maybe I am not THAT retarded after all hahaha!

 

I did my first headstand today anyway. YAAAAY!

Almost everyone that never done it before (and for the safety)

had the wall behind us.

Today I managed to balance without the wall

(even if it still were behind me)

Hard to balance though, focus and the weight

was a bit of a problem when you have to lay the

weight on the shoulders and not the neck.

My arms and shoulders is not the best, yet.

It can be a bit difficult but Matthew McConaughey, ehm, I mean Jason... helped me.

 

It's NOW I start to get into this, it's NOW that I don't want to stop.

It's NOW when I start to love this and it's NOW I warm up my body for this.

IT'S NOW THINGS STARTS TO HAPPEN GOD DAMN IT!!!!

NOW WHAT? I don't ever ever ever want to stop!

I've actually thinking about to become a teacher later on....

But I am not ready for that yet. But it's on my mind.....ALOT!

 

Agama – I will be back, that's for sure!

This is one of the best experiences I had in a long long long time.

I have only ONE man to thank that for... And he know his name.

Until then I think YogaKendra is a next mission at home.

Me and Michel can be Yoga buddies MOUHAHAHA!

 

Good night Thailand, it's bed time.

Apparently the best time to sleep is between 22:00 – 04:00

I am way past 22:00 so I better put this baby to sleep (computer).

 

Later folks!

I was thinking about a thing that an old friend told me not long ago.

We were talking about another woman that we knew.

She is very athletic but after pregnancy she only does Yoga.

She is still very slim and fit and eat healthy.

 

He said something like: Now she is ”JUST” a Yoga-Mom!

So what does that mean? To be ”Just” a Yoga-mom?

And what is WRONG with that?

What is bad about Yoga? Please tell me!

I don't see anything bad, and I never had.

 

Accept when I was with this ”friend” that talked me into

that the guys on the beach do Yoga just to get girls.

I think he was just jealous (?)

Well, it's possible that it's a girl magnet maybe for those who are not really serious about it.

But maybe it shows something how mature and smart you are?

Also called confidence and self respect!?

I do agree that it looks a bit funny when they sit on the beach where it's 79 other people

and do Asanas and meditation.

If I would do it on a beach, I would do it where there is no people, or at least less.

Anyway, she is (or it seems like) to be very comfertable, peaceful and nice person.

Apparently her husband didn't like this, and neither did my old friend?

She stopped with all her athletic sports to just be around her kid and do Yoga.

Isn't that nice? She is a fantastic woman,

and she is very smart and clever even if we didn't talk so much.

I didn't see the problem in her, I saw the problem in them.

 

And I also can see clearly now, why we are not friends anymore.

 

Todays lecture I recognized myself.

I was almost laughing.

 

I am one of those people that tries and tries but some stuff

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!

It's there, I have the information, people tell me, I can read or what ever.

I understand, BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

 

Do you get me?

How the F*ck CAN IT BE SO HARD?

 

This is when I feel really stupid and I want to burst out in tears.

Some people understand right away, without problem.

But sometimes I DON'T!

 

It's also called KARMA!

Some people are just not READY to do some stuff.

And it can take time, when you later work on the karma a bit

you look back and ask myself:

How come I didn't understand this the first time?

The same thing with our Karma Yoga teacher,

who also is a doctor and very spirituel intelligent woman.

She read a book about Karma Yoga when she started.

She didn't understand a word.

After a while, she read the book and understand it perfect.

 

It's the power of ignorance.

Even if you don't want to ignore it, it's the work of the karma.

 

So if you miss things, don't get it or just have lack of something...

It's karma baby. Problem solved. Work on it, until next time.

 

I know for sure why I don't find myself a guy. Karma. Say no more.

Ciao

Todays lecture was about TAPAS. And not the tapas you EAT!
(even if that would be nice haha)
It's the promise you make to yourself, without breaking it.
You probably heard everyone saying at New Year for exemple
that they will stop smoking or go to the gym every day etc etc.
I SAY: BULLSHIT!

Don't make a promise if you can't hold it..
WORDS ARE POWERFUL!!! (remember that)
And lying to yourself is one of the worst things you can ever do!
So the easiest thing is NOT TO MAKE ANY PROMISES!

Because IF you break them, it will be harder the next time you try.
Laura also said "If you fail, tripple it the next time"

and you will never fail again haha...
It's something you do for YOURSELF
and not for someone else or to show off and do it for attention.
That is not the TAPAS meaning...

If you are a person who has a hard time with this kind off stuff,
set the MINIMUM limit for yourself.
For ex: Instead of saying that you are going to stop smoking for the rest of your life,
start with 1 day, or maybe just even 12 hours or less. You know yourself the best.
But don't make a fool of yourself and do it too easy.

If you make your TAPAS, your WILL POWER will slowly get stronger and stronger.
But the more you break it, the harder it gets.
For exemple: If you drink beer everyday, try to drink beer every 3 days instead.
And from there work yourself up.

I do this stuff all the time, but I never heard about Tapas

and I didn't know it effected my will power. GOOD!
I love it, but I do fail sometimes as well. :(
So now I shorter my limits so they are reasonable.

To start with I have to say that I have been totally sober for over a month.

And my misson is 2 months.
That includes cigarettes, drugs and I do try hard with the meat but it's not a promise.
The only drug I take is coffee, once a week!?

I also have to make a TAPAS for tomorrow since I'm going to bed soon.
And that is: FASTING tomorrow! ONLY WATER!
Last time actually went really good.

And I have to work on my MONKEY BRAIN!!!!
Do concentration of the mind with the pinpong ball,

15 min for 3 days to start with.
I told myself to do it every day, but every time I look at it,
I find so many other things so much more interesting.

I am (or can be when I want to be) LAZY OK?!

And I have one more TAPAS:

Read those websites I told myself to read when I had the time.

In this moment all I do is write and facebooking...(adicted)

 

You guys should look at my room, it's a mess!

And sometimes I just sit and stare. Seriously.

Just right out in the blue, stareing at nothing.

At least I started to read more books now anyway.

But I still have a hard time with it if I'm not fully interested in it.
Maybe I am interested. But how would I know if I don't take the time?

The subject have to "awesome" before I read it.

I try my best anyway. I will never give up.

 

Enjoy and try doing it yourself!

I know I haven't been writing about the Yoga for couple of days.
But I had alot of things going on in my head.
And then the VISA run as well.

I started to think that it's something weird with me,
but somehow always when I wonder about some stuff
we take it up during our daily lecture we have.
I don't even have to ask about it.
It's like a normal reaction, different kind of fases you go through (!?)
I've felt alot of anger lately.
It's part of the purification.
Out with the negativity and in with the positivity :D
I've been pissed off for nothing and I think that everyone are IDIOTS!
I thought: This can't be normal?
From going to be happy and loving one day to hate everything the next.

I'm going nuts over here!
I also have NO NEED of more friends or socialize with someone I don't care about.
I choosed this of my own, but somehow it's like school again.
And I don't like the feeling.
I DON'T LIKE GROUPS, that's the thing!
With other words, I lay very low with the group of people in the course.
I'm grown up though, So I do my thing and I leave.

The only one I think is interesting in this moment, is our teachers.
Which I highly respect and listen to.
Somehow I like Laura alot, when I look at her I just want to hug her.
And Sofia too. I also guess it's because I learn something valueable from them.

I had a thought for couple of days and I asked Laura about it.
What to do AND How to do / react when I'm going home.

My only FEAR of going BACK TO REALITY is:
(With stress, miserable people, problems, normal living,
idiots, gossip, party, drugs etc etc.)

How I would react to this?
What if I go home and I just think everyone is a bunch of IDIOTS?
What if I am too nice to people?
I don't want someone to take advantage of me.
Would people understand me?
The old problems THEY have is still there because THEY can't deal with them.
I feel compassion. I feel like shit when other people feel like shit.
What if I feel like shit then?
Is this the time for me to speak up with family members for exemple?
Should I ignore all negative people?
Should I Change friends?
I mean, everything that I build up from the course -
All this peace, love, meditation, happiness, and pure positivity....
WHAT SHOULD I DO when I leave it?
Goiing back to a city like Malmö isn't the easiest either, if you don't work your ass off.
You have to be hard and cool in the same time.

Laura: Stay positive!!!!
And you will attract positivity and positive people around you.
And we are also gonna schedule a meeting and go through all this,
and some of the yoga you can continue with.
And YES you should change friends!
I THINK that she has been through a bit as well, and I think that's why I like her.
After all, she is from Brooklyn! :P



Our Yoga Hall.

This is everything I have for now.
It's time for bed.

Ciao.

Today I fell in LOVE!
With Snatam Kaur.
I heard the song once before and I felt the same then.
Today after our final relaxation Sofia (the beautiful pretty teacher)
putted this song on again. YES!
I had to ask for the name....

It was like waking up with joy and love in the heart.
A peaceful mind and soul when I heard the song.
Even if the song is repeated a bit, it is sooooo nice to listen too.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Enjoy, meditate or just relax!

Now I start to realize what P said to me makes sense.

To begin with I thought ”Well, it can't be that hard?”

He said that ”During the course, you are probably wanna quite,

because it's gonna be hard, but what ever you do, don't give up, go on every class”

Today is one of those days when I feel : WTF is going on?!

I really like the Yoga and I know that it do me good in the length.

But to do it 6 hours a day is starting to become like going back to school.

Wake up in the morning on time, focus and have lecture.

So I am not just talking about the psysical exercises.

It's taking hard on me mentally as well.

 

The only thing that I can think of is when I can go home to Sweden again.

Couple of months ago, I never thought that I would say it.

I never had it on my mind. Never.

I still want to continue traveling, but I need a rest.

I want my friends! I want my home, my city, my things,

my room, my bed, and all the LOVE that I've missed from

all the people that actually CARE 4 real about me, and I care about too...

 

Then I notice that my ischias nerve is starting to be painful again.

I can't move and it's getting worse every day.

Last night I had a bad sleep, the bed I have isn't the best either.

So I'm gonna do some more exercises now,

I talked to our teacher about it and it will go away after a while.

But I feel like a retard. Again.

I always had the problem with contracting my muscles too much.

And where I don't need it, for exemple my neck.

So now I'm waiting for a massage, on my ass and where I'm stiff.

 

 

The wheel pose is getting better, but I still can't come up.

Still need more strenght in my arms. Feel retarded again.

We also have done the half headstand. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

My pinkies, no the whole hand hurted like a M.F.

And my forehead. And my ass.

And then the nerve in my legs, the pain steaming down from my spine,

down my ass and all the way down my left leg. Great.

I AM SOOO MOTIVATED FOR THIS RIGHT NOW! NOT!

 

I am tired and the more I move or do something the more tired I get.

It's not like last week at all, when I had sooo much energy.

I just want to lay in bed all the time and DIE!

I just want to scream : Leave me alone..........

 

Afternoon class totally knocked me out mentally.

I felt anger and anxiety. WHY? I don't know!

I was really deep depressed.

Suddenly things from my childhood popped up in my head.

Feelings and thing that have been buried for years and years.

That I've actually forgot and moved on.

But we were actually lectured that this may happen.

So, I guess that everything finally is coming up?

We were told that the human mostly carry around stuff deep within,

and get heavier and heavier.

Now it's time to deal with it I guess.

How this works, I have no idea actually, but it did.

On me anyway. I am really emotionell and exsausted.

And the only thing I could kill for right now is someone to hold me.

Somone to have close. Someone to talk to. Someone who were there FOR ME!

When I NEED it. But no, no one there.

I am and have been isolated from everything for 2-3 weeks now.

I do have my computer, tv, food and I can go anywhere I want.

But I do this for a purpose. So I choose not to.

But now I just feel like shit and want to go nuts.

I guess it's getting better tomorrow.

 

Until then.. Goodnight and sleep well....

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After the afternoon class it was time for our daily lecture.
We just opened our eyes from the relaxation and in walks an older man,
dressed completely in orange.
Who was this ORANGE GURU?
All the other yoga teachers wear ONLY white.
I recognized the man from posters, website and he also wrote a book.
He is the founder of Agama Yoga. Read more about him HERE!!!
AHA!



So todays lecture was very interesting.
And why is that? Because it was about SEX of course!!!
Lee is finally focused. HAHAHA....
Now we're talking!

Agama Yoga is one of very FEW schools left in the world apparently to teach TANTRA.
Tantra is sexuality and spirutality.
Tantra is a science of correlations, it is not only about sex, by far!
To reach high spirituality they recommend you to go celibat or do tantra.
95 % of munks, nuns, yogis etc live a life in celebacy.
The other 5% do Tantra. Tantra is dying.

Even many nuns and munks don't know about this way.
Many munks and nuns don't do their practise,
prayers and walk around most of the time frustrated.
Instead of "relieve the pressure" when having sex, the tantra is to hold yourself.
With other words: Don't let any liquids come out!
And litterally have sex to enjoy it, and not to relieve.

Then you're not exsausted and tired and have to start all over with the yoga again.
This makes you keep the energy and continue your practise as before.
You want to bring UP the energy, not down!

A normal relationship, the sex goes "bad" after 3,5 years.
Therefor 70 % of people divorce after around 4 years.
With Tantra, it can only get better!

I almost live as celibat right now anyway but when he explained more about it,
I saw everything so clear. It was a "AHA moment" for me.
And many things he explained I allready knew very well, but many other didn't.
And I will NOT write about it since it's private. HA HA!

This is just a little bit of what I have to write about the Tantra.
I will definitly talk to Laura more about it.




If you want to know more about Tantra Yoga.

CLICK HERE!

To start with I have to say that I AM EXSAUSTED!!!!!

It's getting hotter and hotter every day.

After the morning class I relaxed at the pool for a short moment,

but even if I stayed in the water, it was too hot. Crazy!

I went up and changed and decided to go to town and pick up some stuff.

By bike! This is around 20 min bike ride,

with 2 hills that you actually have to walk up with the bike to reach.

It's like 2 spinning classes!

In Thai heat/sun the result is SWEAT SWEAT SWEAT!

People cheer at me and wave and say ”You go girl” and ”Awesome, Great”

when they drive by with their motorbikes.

 

Yes people, if you think that this is water from coming out

from the shower or something, you are totally WRONG!!!!!!

This is how cute I look when I'm sweaty! NICE!

 

After I got home, I stood in a ice cold shower and tried to relax

because I've been active since 08.10.

I layed down for 10 minutes, and looked at the watch. DAMN.

Afternoon class starts in 10 min.

I WAS SOOOOOO EXSAUSTED allready.

But it was just to move the ass down there and do the exercises

and sweat a bit more. In my head there was only FOOD!!!

 

When you realize how much shit you have in your body

and starting to notice a difference,

that's when you start to be greatful over that you can taste and smell.

And that your body is in generally normal.

 

I was suppose to go fasting today,

but I changed my mind and decided to do it tomorrow instead

because I have fruits in the fridge that is starting to become bad.

I want to eat them before they get bad so I don't have to

throw them away and waste more money!

But it's fruits ey, and fruit is good! :D

 

After doing Kriya Yoga every morning I start to feel a big different.

Kriya Yoga is purification and cleansing mostly in your mouth.

But effects many things in your body. Toxic's coming up etc etc.

 

I've written this before, but I write it again:

The TOUNGSCRAP is my best friend nowdays....

(Use it directly every morning!)

Then salt on teeth and gums, SEASALT!

Cold water flushing the eyes.

And finally....

This little friend.

You put water inside, not hot and not cold. Room temprature.

Mix with seasalt and flush from one nostril,

and then the water shall run out from the other.

If it comes out in your mouth, spit it out and try again until

you find the right possition.

What I wanted to say with this was:

When you realize that it's working, you have so much more taste.

At least I have. I think that my yoghurt and fruits never ever tasted so good.

One bit of kiwi, banana, grape, müsli and yoghurt had SO MANY flavours.

It almost tasted like a fresh home made Italian

sorbet ice-cream you eat in the summer.

And that, we all know that the ice-cream in Malmö is the best ;)

And after every bite I took, the flavours were getting stronger and stronger.

I stared at the plate with yoghurt and fruits. ”FUCK, this is good!”

I was only thinking of that Italian ice-cream.

And I am not even such fan of ice-cream.

 

As I said before, the cleansing with Kriya Yoga is working.

If you want to continue this, and maybe go to an advanced cleansing,

Vamana Dhauti is something to try then!

 

We were lectured about this today and it means that you actually are vomiting.

In my head and I guess many others on the lecture, this sounded nuts!

People think of vomiting as a bad thing,

because they normally vomit FOOD or when they had to much to drink,

when it's unpleasant and hurts etc etc.

 

This, you are going to do in the morning.

When your stumache is empty.

Drink around 1- 1.5 liters of water.

Jump up and down 20 times.

Push the fingers of the left hand on your stumache

(under the breast bone) and start vomiting.

And if you don't know how to vomit,

sad for you because I will not write and explain how you vomit. Haha.

 

So, this is my next mission tomorrow.

When I try fasting. I don't know about the fasting though.

I will try my best, but everything I can think of everyday

over and over again is food, food, food.

Now I start to miss meatballs again.

I've been eating raw food for a while now like salad,

sandwich, avocado, fruits, yoghurt, nuts etc.

And some chicken fried rice of course.

I am starting to get over it, but I notice new types of food that I miss instead.

I am no need for sweets. I only miss those long salty liqurice from home.

Otherwise just hot food! Springrolls, pork and chicken satés,

a big juicy steak, french fries, burger, pizza, meatballs, yeah you name it.

 

MEAT! GIVE ME MEAT!!!!! I'll go nuts over here...

But I know it's just my mind that is playing a game!

And I know that I can get over it. Just like candy, cigarettes, alcohol, soda etc.

Food is a drug too. I want to be CLEAN!!!!!

I give you guys some pictures of me... Tadaaaa!

This is only for showing the tattoo...

I didn't write something from the Yoga yesterday....Day 9, so I jump to day 10! :)

It was not so much to write about actually.

 

Last night I changed my alarm tone.

I woke up this morning and I snoozed.

I snoozed until I fell back a sleep.

I woke up from the thunder outside at 08.15.

Class starts at 08.30, lucky I don't live far away haha.

So, I litterally jumped out of bed and went down to class after brushing my teeth.

Yes, today it wasn't enough time to do Kriya Yoga before class.

When I showed up to class, our teacher is late – 30 minutes!

And I stressed so much.... GAH!

I notice that my mood isn't on top - really cranky.

And I feel that it's soon time for my period.

My stumache is like a balloon (or at least it feels like that)

 

My mind wasn't focus at all.

Now I realized how hard it is to focus.

I've had this problem my whole life. With concentration.

Many people think it's very easy and has no problem at all.

I actually got mad at myself today.

And I even yelled at myself in my head, to concentrate and focus.

I feel so god damn retarded!

My mind is like a puppy, trying to get away from it's owner...

and the owner has to control her pup and drag her in with a leach.

That's a freaking good exemple ey!?

 

The afternoon class was ”so-so”, still cranky.

And I had pain streaming through my arms somehow.

Low on energy today.

I had to leave when it was time for the lecture,

because I had to pick up my ticket for the night boat next week

when I have to do my first VISA run. I also were really hungry.

 

When I came back I decided to go for a Thai massage.

I love Thai massage!

The women on Ananda (the yoga center), is THE BEEEEEST ever!

They are so rough but I love it since I have so much pain everywhere.

For those who haven't been in Thailand before,

I have to tell you that they don't care about what they

say to you is mean or rude, it's their oppinion.

Then take it or leave it.

So the woman who gave me massage asked me if I'm gonna do the

DETOX program tomorrow. I said ”No, can not.”

She insisted that I should. Because ”I AM BIG”.

Thanks alot, I'm trying my best over here damn it!!!

I actually wanted to do it, but "No money, no honey" like they say.

 

 

Then she pointed at my balloon stumache and said

- ”Aaaaah, you need. You no like Detox?"

”You very beautiful, very nice, but need exercise”

(This is how Thais speak English)

Thai people never mean to harm anyone so you just smile at them

and make them laugh so they think you are funny.

I answered: ”No money, very expensive. I detox in my room, no eating, no need pay”

Then she laughed and asked me why I don't have a boyfriend?

”Oooh, only problem” I answered.

She didn't understand HOW I could be single.

Some people say Ok and change subject.

But she seriously really didn't understand.

”Why ploblem? You no like? Like girls?”

 

NO BUT MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I AM TOO BIG?

(I didn't say that though haha)

I know many who like to slap my big ass.... So, I'm happy! :)

 

I am SATISFIED with how I look, but Asian women is OBSESSED with their looks!

I try my best from now on, and to loose couple of more kilos can't be that hard.

TOMORROW IT'S FASTING TIME FOR ME!

One day a week, with only water, water, water....

We'll see how that goes! HAHA

See, I am doing better. Healthy food :)
How would my world be like without my avocado?
Some Chicken fried rice, and I added some coctail tomatoes myself :)
Drink: Hot Green Tea and a carrot juice.
YUMMYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

I am back in business again.
WHY DID I EVER STOP TO WORK OUT?
Well, it's easy to fall back into old habits and sweets.
UN FOCUS it's also called.
For exemple: Breakup or finding a new love.
New friends or a loss. It's so easy!
My "excuse" was traveling, new friends and couple of men in the way.
In the beginning I was doing good.
I went to the gym in Las Vegas and I was jogging and tried hard.
But, IT IS EXPENSIVE! And it's also expensive to eat healthy.
THAT'S THE FACT! And if you are poor... You're screwed!
Then when you travel with someone who loves to smoke and drink and party...
Well, like I said - It's easy, at least for me that is a sucker for these kind of things.

But like I said, I'm back on my feets again.
I have sooooooo much energy and I am more happy and relaxed.
This is the feeling I had before I left Sweden the first time, when I was more "in shape".
Not the best condition, but was doing soooo good with myself.

Everyday I am doing better and better.
My flexibility is going good as well, not the best yet but I am getting there!
And I am trying hard all day, everyday!
And there is actually only ONE MAN who I can THANK for giving me a PUSH,
back to my old and healthy life I had before I started to travel.
When I had the motivation.
And that mans name is : PETER ADAMS!
Thank you wise man!



This picture is ONLY taken in purpose for you guys to see the sweat
in my forhead! I don't know if you see it though haha.
It is soooo hot here. Around 40 degrees celcius.
And not a chance to swim in the sea since the tide is really low.
I need to find a pool!!!
I take pictures with my camera without knowing what I'm taking pictures of.
Because the display is broken.
You can also see my brown hair is becoming blonde again. Grrrrrrrr......



This little gecko should have been more careful when he walked on a menu
that had old sticky tape left overs on it.
POOR THING.
What a death. I couldn't help laughing though!
(and take a picture) HAHAHA.
A little gecko skeleton.



This palmtree is growing a bit weird?
HAHA... Nice.

---

NIGHT UPDATE!

I went down the street to get some connection with my phone.
Yes, a bit desperate I know hahaha....
And then I almost stepped on the BIGGEST BUG I've ever seen!!!!!!!
There it was, on the street....
Since I walk around with a flashlight, because there is no lights at all here,
it's very hard to see the bugs sometimes....
That's the reason why all the frogs are flat! HAHA!!

IT WAS HUGE so I couldn't miss it! (body around 10 cm)



And then we have those weird bugs I've never seen before as well.
They look like cockroaches, but they are bigger and they fly.
I never see them during the day, but I always see them at night.
And every single one of them lay on their back struggeling to get back up.
Also on the street. WHY? Can someone tell me this?
Why do they suddenly fall down on the ground upside down, try to come back up?
KIND OF STUPID if I may say so....



GOODNIGHT!!!!

To start with I have to say that I am SO GLAD

that I didn't sell or give away my American BUCK KNIFE!

It's always, always, always good to have a knife when you travel.

You NEVER know when you need it!

 

 

Todays pose – The wheel pose.

I have to say that my strenght isn't that good in my arms,

I couldn't come up, so I stood on my head instead hahaha.

Yeah yeah, it's coming I guess. I am so bad of being patient though.

 

We did some concentration of the mind today with the ping pong ball.

I almost got mad & angry and wanted to throw away the damn ball.

I don't know why, but I guess it's because I am so NOT PATIENT!

 

This is how I was thinking for a while:

Focus, Focus, Focus. No, no focus at all.

Lalallaalala... I don't see a F*cking ping pong ball!

Focus. Try. HARD!

I wonder how long we are gonna do this for?

Hmmm... Lee FOCUS on the BALL!

I wonder what I'm gonna eat later, I am hungry!

White ping pong ball in my head, lalalalala....

Focus. Focus, No. No focus.

This is almost like in KILL BILL when she talks to her toe haha!

FOCUS LEELEE! White ball, white ball, white ball....

I wonder if you see alot of ping pong balls flying if you eat mushrooms?

Oh, I can write this in my blog later... HAHA... FOCUS!!!!!!!!

DAMN BALL I HATE YOU!

(Yeah...as you see, my concentration is bad so I didn't see a ball)

 

JASON said a good thing : WE HAVE MONKEY BRAINS!

We are everywhere in the same time...

Jumping around with our thoughts. Good said Jason!

I AM A MONKEY!!!!!!!!

Todays subject on the lecture was about Yama and Niyama.

Click and read more about it or google it yourself to read other pages.

 

This was the second time we talked about it, from different aspects etc.

Our teacher today was Laura.

I haven't talked with so many of the teachers.

But as soon as I saw Laura I liked her somehow.

And even more when she opened her mouth.

She seems to be so friendly, calm, smart and funny.

I think that all of them are really good.

Jason is also a favorite, even if I haven't said a word to him.

I prefer to look at him instead hahaha.

 

Anyway, Laura lectured us about the Yama & Niyama.

About telling the truth, being honest, not harm others etc.

She said something I liked: NO RELIGION IS BIGGER THEN THE TRUTH!

As soon as we started to talk about this,

I noticed a heavy rock in my stumache.

I know that I am trying to become clean with everything I've done in the past.

But some things is not just possible to deal with.

If I tell the truth I harm others, but if I'm not I harm myself and I lie.

I hate to lie, hate hate hate. But I have no choice.

I decided to talk to Laura about it after class.

Since she is one of those you can go and talk to, get advise, help etc.

I felt nervous and I almost couldn't speak.

So, I told her my story and maybe she could give me advise or help.

She couldn't say a word. The story is just a mess!

There is so much and many involved so she couldn't say much more

then I have to try to forgive myself what I have done.

Because if I want to become clean, I am ego and can destroy for other people.

Great, this just made it easier.... Uhhh...

I have to say that I am feeling better and better after every day that goes.
But it's hard work. Not just physically, mentally as well.
Nothing in this life is easy, that's for sure.
I am trying to concentrate as much as I can and alot of thoughts have been coming up lately.
In those moments I try to concentrate the most,
I get this "AHA" moments when I realize the problem and then TRY to solve them.

And YES, I've been taking some huge steps the last couple of days.
Some of them I couldn't solve but I'll survive anyway.
I know that I've been taking some strenght and power to take a step forward to do it at least,
then if the other person don't want to, is shitty for THEM not me.

Excercises is going better and better.
My back is still a bit stiff but I am doing better every day.
And I notice my body after a week is looking and feeling NICE!
Today was absolutely hot, and I was sweating like never before.
I was soked, it was dripping, and it was actually ran along my legs.
Just sweet. Felt like I peed myself or something... HAHA.

Today at the lecture we talked about the most important thing in YOGA:
CONCENTRATION OF THE MIND!

We are going to practise this tomorrow morning.
We are going to practise with a white ping-pong ball.
I can't wait. I want to do it NOW! (But I don't have a ball yet)
We are going to hold it in front of our face (our third eye).
Look at it, close our eyes, take it away, focus our mind on how it looks like,
and then try to get exactly the same ball in front of us when we open our eyes.
Not pink, not square, not to the left of me.
No, exactly the same round white ping pong ball in front of us.

It can take alot alot alot alot of practise. I MEAN ALOT!
But when you are able to do this, you are STARTING to get control over your mind.
This is it. This is what I have to do. My mind is everywhere at once.
Meditation is going better, but I am still not concentrated.

So, more about this tomorrow.

Om Shanti.



Thai lady :)

 

People say that they can't change who they are.

I say, YES you can!

I just believe that they don't want to change, even if they say so.

They are secure and afraid of taking a big step in their life.

Or they don't know how to start, and just need a push.

 

- I am who I am, I can't change. Take it or leave it.

Heard this before? I know I have, and I've even said it myself.

I say, take a chance and let everything go.

I know it takes alot of currige, will and power to change.

Today I am not afraid. I am not afraid of anything!

There are things that I don't like or don't feel safe with, but I am not afraid of it.

 

I know many people that has changed during friendships or relationships.

And by that I don't mean as the person who they are,

I am talking about their energy, their thinking and acting.

And for you people who still doesn't understand really,

should read a bit more about the different chakras in the body, and the energies.

HERE «------- is a good LINK! :)

 

For exemple: I have friends that have been very open, careing, loving and thoughtful.

Suddenly something goes wrong and they change their thinking

to something negative, because they can't let go and move on.

So, from giving and taking energy from the Anahata (heart) chakra,

to changing to Svadhisthana chakra. (located near the gender)

I don't say that Svadhisthana chakra is bad, because no chakra is.

 

What these friends doesn't know is that it effect other people.
And it can be good or bad.
I am one of those people who get effected very easy by others.
In Swedish we have the expression " Man blir som man umgås "
Which means in direct translation " You get as you socialize ".
Think about that.

I said to friends that they should ”Stop thinking with your penis”.

And I actually believe that this expression is TRUE.

I've been there myself (not penis though haha) but mostly when

I don't feel good with myself and when I need a type of confirmation from someone.

Sex is a easy way out. And also food and other good things.

But I mostly think with my heart and not my brain.

Which isn't the best either.

 

When reading and been lectured about the bodies different chakras,

I categorised myself and what I wanted to change, what I needed etc.

And I've been using Svadhisthana way too much lately.

But I also realized one thing and another....

 

More about this later... Time for Yoga! :)

 

Okey, I don't know if it's a good idea to write this or not, but I do it anyway.
Because there is something that tells me to.

Since I arrived into this room, there have been weird things going on around me.
First of all, this is the first time during my trip that I am completely relaxed and "problem free"
And first time in a long time that I am ALONE. Completely!

For exemple: The first day at the Yoga I wrote that I felt that someone touched my hand.
More than that, I didn't want to write.
But now I don't care, and YOU who read this can think what ever you want about me.
That I'm crazy or what ever... I don't care!

So this is it...
It's not the first time, and not the last either.
I know many friends that have been in the same situation, but never talks about it.
They never say anything until "someone else" talks about it,
because they don't want to be seen as a idiot.
And this is true. And you maybe think that I am an idiot, but I know the truth at least.

The same day as I felt someone touching my hand, I had weird dreams.
I woke up couple of times from "noise" inside the room.
When I opened my eyes and looked, it was nothing there.
Just a bad dream I guessed.
But then someone touched my shoulder gently and a mans voice whispered in my ear:
- Excuse me, Sorry!
I looked up and said: YES? And waited for an answer since someone woke me up!
No one there.... (?) Weird.
Went back to sleep again, and I don't know for how long I slept
but when I wake up the next time it felt like someone completely shook the bed.

This also happened once in Chalong in Phuket, but then it more felt like an earthquake.
Since we both have been in a earthquake before we knew the feeling.
In Chalong, both me and my friend that I was sharing bed with woke up exactly the same time.
But it wasn't a earthquake. We looked out from the balcony and try to sleep again.
This continues 3-4 times that night. The day after no one knows anything about a earthquake.
It was just the bed.

Well anyway, back to my story....
I tried to go back to sleep again,
but it was harder this time since I felt that someone was there.
I then hear something falling down from inside the toilette.
The next day I look out the window,
and I made sure that the windows were closed when leaving the room.
Later the same day, when I layed down in bed I thought that the outside noice is very strong.
I went up to the window, and it was halfway open. (?)
I have to tell you that it's not possible to open the window from the outside since I live high up.
This happend 2 or 3 times during 2 days.

I also have been waking up couple of more times during the last nights.
Felt like there was people standing next to my bed, asking me questions.
I see shadows and moving thing in the corner of my eyes all the time.
And sometimes I HEAR that someone is in the room.
You hear when someone is walking towards you for exemple or away from you.
I can say that I hear and feel things in exactly this moment as well.
And sometimes it feels like bugs are crawling on me, and when I look -
There is nothing there!!!!

SO, MAYBE I AM GOING NUTS AFTER ALL?

So, finally.... Today...
I came home from the beach.
Before I left I didn't do anything with the room.
Didn't leave any windows open or anything.
So, I enter and my room was FULL of flying ants!
HOW was this possible? There is NO WAY that they can come in!
I go to the window, since I know the window is one of these things that "opens" by itself.
And was I right? YES! It was open.....Again!

The second thing was my toilette.
It was dripping water.
It was too much water inside but I can't figure out how and why.
And it wasn't like that when I left the room.
So I had to call for the guys downstairs.

WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM ME?

AM I CRAZY?

It's said that Pink Floyd was high on exstacy when he was making the song

”Shine on you crazy diamond” and when he did this song he found a sound

that he after this time never could find again.

And it's the sound you hear in the beginning of the song.

It's said that it was a spiritual path into the conciousness where he

opened up to his Anahata chakra (his heart chakra) and made this beautiful sound.

He found a way to reach this in his music, but only once.

 

What do you think?

 

 

 

This morning my energy was gone again.

And I had SORE MUSCLES DELUX!!

What is going on? One day I'm fine and the next I'm sick again.

I am starting to get really tired of this.

Anyway, I went to class really low.

During the new exercise Trikonásana, which is a triangle pose,

 

my pelvis and hips felt soooo stiff that I thought that I was going

to die at exactly that moment I did the pose.

I also noticed that I felt weaker and weaker.

I wanted to cry. And I wanted to cry like a baby.

But I pulled myself together and tried to continue.

During the next exercise I was so exsausted that I just layed flat on the floor.

But I told myself and my brain: DON´T GIVE UP, I KNOW I CAN DO THIS!

So I raised up and did it even better then the first time.

But my muscles are not used to do this kind of stuff EVERYDAY.

I know my body and I know that it will say NO to me many times again.

And when you have SORE MUSCLES it's a pain in the ass I have to say.

 

I also got the number to Agamas Doctor, she is located at the HEALING CENTER.

And maybe she can help me out about what's going on with my body?

Now it's time for breakfast - Müsli, grapes, apple, yoghurt, raisins. Yum Yum!

And, I'm staying in today... Since the weather looks like this:

It's raining a bit ey?

 

And the rain continues.

I don't know about my toilette roof though... You think it's safe in heavy rain? HAHAHA.

One thing is true: Thai people suck at building stuff!

And no signal on the TV either... What to doooo?

Meditation? Yes, Music meditation.... YAY!

---

Afternoon class went really good, the Trikonasana excersice we did this morning,
I manage to do it piece of cake. :)
Better focus on everything today, alot during music meditation.
The thing is when I do yoga, I get up old problems or/and thoughts,
and I find a solution to them to continue in peace.
I start to think of someone and I see the problem somehow.
I have a big step to take when it come to a certain person, and I will do it.
I just need to figure out how.

More thoughts later...

After class I went to the restaurant. Aaaaand, I made some friends haha :)
One of the girls, which was the first girl I said Hi to on the class actually,
is OF COURSE from San Francisco, California!
What is it with me and meeting people from California?
The other one is Swiss.
Fun to talk to people that are smart and believe in / like the same things as I do for once,
and not just drink, party and do drugs or other shit...
So our conversation over food was interesting,
even if we known eachother for 5 min or so haha.
That's what I like about traveling. People just invite you over to their table if you sit alone.
You maybe not even will see this people ever again, but it's nice and polite.
I like it. NO ONE IN SWEDEN would do that! I know that I would!!!

We talked about everything from places, yoga, astrology, stars, paranormal, and spiritual.
Who would talk to a stranger about this stuff normally?
No one I know, that's for sure. But I think that the people here are very open.
We are pretty much the same, so it's so much easier.
And I feel so good to be away from heavy drinking, or just drinking at all,
drugs, prostitutes, hustlers and misserable people that are pretty LOST out there.
Those people who see every humans weaknesses instead of what's beautiful and good about this person.

Well, this is all I have for today!
C ya'll tomorrow ey!