ૐ It's just me ☼ Lee Lee ૐ ☮ ♥

Be careful what you wish for.
Because what you wish for, you will recieve.
Maybe it will not come to you in the way you wished for, but you will get it.
Sooner or later.

I learned not to say anything I don't mean.
It's hard sometimes because people makes too much fun of eachother today.
And sometimes people have a hard time to take me seriously.
I choose my words wisely and don't say anything I don't mean today.
In the other hand, I can be ironic from time to time with friends.
But my friends know that. Thinking before talking!

I will never lie to myself again.
And I will never lie to anyone else either.
Pure honesty. Even if it will hurt.

Me and my monkey brain have been climbing many
trees lately and if I will use Joels words, I've been very "BLOND".
When a half french guy calls me blond, all I can think of is my dear french friend Adeline.
Who always calls me Blondie. And even Shrek! :)
Since I couldn't visit her in september, I planned a weekend closer to spring.
If I do enough of massage, I will have money to go!

I never visited France (which really suprises myself) and to see her is a must, very soon!
I miss everything that we have shared together. Good and bad.
But since I still have her in my heart, she is important.
Even if she doesn't live here, she will always be special to me!
I don't have many friends left and I'm happy to have few I can care more about.



Je t'aime mon ami

Couple of days ago I met a friend for some christmas cooking....
I then met my friends friend for the first time.
We started to talk about children, jobs and the "every day life".

When I saw her, I felt calm. She felt very confident and peaceful.
Me in the other hand felt my monkey mind all over the place...
She then told me that she worked as International Association for Human Values,
Yoga teacher etc for www.artofliving.se
Very interesting and inspiring!
So my focus was on her after that...

We talked about the Vipassana I'm going to in March and she's done the same but in India.
Told me about how much concentration, focus and energy I'm going to have afterwards.
So now I'm looking forward to it so much more!!

She is also pregnant and is going to deliver in march.
The "baby-talk" came up and I really feel different when it comes to babies now,
as I've felt before... So we continued the talk.

I assumed that the father of the baby was home.
I mean, who could break up with such a nice, cute and calm girl like her?
(But nothing suprises me today)

Well, apparently the dad allready had 2 children and didn't want any more.....
She then told him that if he didn't want any, they have to separate.
(Because she want a child and she's 32)

They separated after 3 ½ years together and then he changed his mind.
Said "I want a baby with you".
The same night she got pregnant, and then he got cold feets and left her after that.
He promised to be there for the child when it comes.
But she will be a single mum.

The first thing I have to say is....
I think that this woman is so god damn strong!
And I don't even know the lady.
She was so confident and everything she showed was love to herself and the unborned baby.
I was impressed and I thought that I've heard it all....

Most stories are the same in the end.
And today's generation are "used to" having separated parents.
Like me. Like most of my friends actually.

Of course I want a baby, but I'm also afraid of getting one.
But we'll see when the time is right.
First of all, THE man with the good genes would be nice to have hahahahha :D

But I have to say GOOD ON YOU single mums!
I finally understand how much and alot of courage it takes from you make such big steps in life.

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Yesterday I had 2 massages. Today I've done 2 as well...
I got my first tip today too.
And noooo - no happy ending! Haha.
50 kronors happy ending? Nah, I'm not that cheap! :P

Tomorrow I'm going to have 4 random costumers in school.
Last one to massage today was with Annica my dear wife.
"The old lady" I call her... Because of her retarded and wounded body.
She's always having weird diseases, problems with muscles and so on.
So it was on her own risk that I treated her with the massage.... on the back and ass!
But nothing went wrong anyway haha.



She stayed over for a while and we had soup with "crack-bread" as we call it.
(Crisp-bread to be correct!)
Then we went to ICA and bought a mudcake.
Yes, it's always when I'm with Annica I eat cake.
Every single time! DAMN YOU! :)
I like to spend time with my Annica.
She makes me relaxed! (AND FAT) Haha...

That's all from me tonight....
It's been a weird day for me.

Lots of love to you all! :)

When you can "just be" with someone and do nothing,
often means you can be relaxed with this person.
I (today) don't give a fuck about sex when it comes to being close to someone.
It means more to me, or at least it gives me more in long term.

And when it comes to LOVE, you can deffine LOVE into groups.
But in the end it's all the same, it's LOVE!
How you love a person, in what way.... bla bla bla...
But if you love a person, the only problem with love is that it can hurt.
So that's why so many people are afraid. Of course.
It makes sense. Right?

Today I believe that if I really love a person, this person can do almost what ever to me
and I will (of course be hurted) but I will forgive you, but never forget.
But I will not deffine in what way I love the person. If I love someone, they will know.
And I know they do. I don't even have to tell them...

After 2 big rollercoaster rides in a short time, things will not effect me that strong.
Because some stuff isn't bad at all when it comes to comparing wiht other things.
I know if things are right or wrong now. Before I didn't.

A friend of mine asked me today if I had the need of being close to people.
No, I have no need but I like it. It goes up and down.
I like to touch people today and I like to be close,
give hugs, snuggle, or just lay on someones shoulder or what ever.

That's who I am today... I wasn't like that before.
Also maybe because the people I had around me never wanted it.
And then after traveling, people are just so much more polite and kind then here.
I now see why I didn't like Sweden.
Because people analyze too much then just "BE" in the moment and relax.

Earlier I had a hard time for people that touched me and to touch others.
But in the long term I only see good things with this.
It's called love.
And I fear nothing, so I should not fear others, I will give love.
And to give is better then to get!

I also have the perfect job for this now.
This is something I need to deal with even if I don't want to touch someone else.
It's perfect! And you know what? It isn't so bad after all....
But I really really like those moments when you really WANT to
massage or touch someone without me being asked for it.
Those moments are better then the others.

THERAPY FOR MY OWN SOUL!



I also have to say that I finished my first test in school with 93 % right!
I am really satisfied with myself and the results.
Because when it comes to my "studying and focus" I can be out of control sometimes.
In school, back in the days when I was younger I had no concentration at all.

I had a private lesson with Anette on a Vinyasa Yoga class today.
There were no one else then me there...
Weird from the beginning to sit and shant together, and no one else there but I liked it.
And she almost killed me, I was so exausted afterwards.

Hur man tolkar saker på rätt sätt.
Ja, hur ska man tolka saker på rätt sätt egentligen?
Och hur vet man på vilket sätt det tolkas på av andra?
Man kan tolka saker positivt, negativt och rent av blankt.

Så ska man öppna sin mun från första början?
Nä, jag har fått erfara att man hädan efter inte ska göra detta.
Jag har fått stå mina kast ang. detta, men har alltid varit en person som tänkt det bästa om alla.
Att saker som jag sagt (som kanske inte varit det smartaste)
har jag alltid trott att folk förstår för att dom e smartare än så och känner mig.
Men ibland är folk inte så smarta och djupa som man hoppats på, och folk inte känner mig över huvudtaget.

För alla människor är olika och alla tolkar saker på olika sätt.
Sen måste man verkligen verkligen tänka först, vilket jag kanske inte alltid har gjort förut.
Men det är något jag utvecklar hela tiden.
Och allt händer av en anledning.

Jag ska bara ta vara på hela processen när det gäller det mesta.
För allt har betydelse. Men jag är glad över att jag fått ut allt och fått må som jag gjort.
Och givetvis är jag oerhört tacksam för de få människor jag har kvar i mitt liv.
Som verkligen är där för en när man behöver det som mest.

Hädan efter så behåller jag mina hemligheter för mig själv.
Och väljer verkligen vem jag ska prata med och inte prata med.
Och på vilket sätt jag ska prata, hur om vad.
Det finns mycket som kan tolkas fel i många lägen.
Vilket egentligen gör mig ganska ledsen, då jag vill se det bästa hos alla.

Men jag ligger lågt...



Goodnight everyone.
I'm gonna go to the doctor tomorrow I hope.
I found some weird lump on my neck yesterday.... :(
Wish me guuuuud luck!

But I've been thinking....

And I've realized that those kind of people I look up to the most in my life is the strong people.
Mentally strong.

Should I say SMART people?
The kind of people who have their own thoughts and own personality.
People with selfcontrol, respect, opinions, pureness and honesty.
And the most important of all.... Love.

Of course, being a bit retarded is always on my good list too.
This is pure awesomeness with other words.

And the kind of people who doesn't NEED any substances to be themselves.
(Then they are not themselves)
That's what I respect the most out of a friendship.
The kind of people I feel most relaxed with and I can just be.
Just be myself without someone judging me, being boring or what ever.

I want to thank those people in my life for just being themselves.
Specially if they make me happy when I'm down and make me smile just a bit extra.
Sometimes I don't even have to do anything specially with those kind of people in my life.
Just to be around this person is enough for me. Close to them.


Weak people can drag me down easily.
Without me knowing it myself most of the time.
Since I've been lost before, it's easy to loose myself again.
But I promised myself not to this time.
It's just pretty sad that some people in my life can effect me very very strong.
And some of those people are close and sometimes the effect isn't the best, which is sad.

This is everything from me tonight.
Time for bed. Thank you all strong people, for being there!

Peace & Love <3 to ya'll

My rollercoaster ride have started again.
Right now it's just down hill. Maybe tomorrow it's up hill again.
Who knows.

I feel compassion. I do.
No matter how much I have hurted people in my life and how ego I've been.
I am sorry. But sometimes sorry isn't enough.
I've been in both situations and I've paid my price many times....

Maybe I should just stop seing people and be completely alone?
Cuz what ever I do, and when ever I do it, everything is just wrong.
Even if it's right, it just turns out to be wrong. Every time.
It just ends up me hurting someone or being hurted.
I can't do it anymore.

I give up. I leave everyone. I don't want this anymore.
The only thing I have in my life that makes me happy is Yoga.
That's the only thing I can trust.
It's the only thing I won't give up, and myself.

And the second thing is children and animals.
Because they feel love and compassion different like grown ups do.
They don't know that we are living in a cruel world and they don't know what's waiting. Yet.

I don't even want to live in a world like this, where there is no one that understands me.
And to be the girl who always stands next to someone else when they feel bad, fall apart.
Who is there to catch her when she falls?
She falls down into the ground, splattered in pieces.
When she finally stood up on her own again.

I trust no one, but myself and my beliefs.
One thing is for sure.
Life is not so fucking easy, and it's not suppose to be either.
In this moment, I wish I had someone who were there. Who understood me.

I have signed up for a 10 days Vipassana course in Ödeshög and I'm looking forward to be there alot.
Don't talk to anyone during the 10 days, or do anything else then just be there in that moment.
And of course do meditation for 10 days straight.

I am in no need of more friends.
The people I care about just leave me or I leave them.
This is the time when I want to run.
But I can run, but I cannot hide.
Sooner or later, the problems comes back to me.
And I was so happy to be problem free, oh I was so wrong.

I try to back myself up now. It's my time now.
So everyone else - back the fuck off.

For a long time, I've been wondering how this person is doing.
Why? I don't know. I've just had this person on my mind.
I haven't seen him since before I left to Mexico,
and the end we had on that chapter didn't end so well.
Well, not for me anyway. But that's my karma again I guess.

But I'm over it, loooong time ago.
But couple of days ago we talked online.
The last time we wrote or spoke was a really long time ago.
He told me that he was sorry for everything and how everything happened and ended.
He thought about it alot he said.

It felt good to hear it and I appriciated it alot because he is a good man.
And everything happens for a reason.
If it wasn't for me, he probably haven't met his girlfriend that he still have today.
I am glad that he is happy, and I am happy for him!
We all find what we are looking for sooner or later.

But I just wish to see his face one more time.
(This does not mean that I want something.)
But that short short but intensive time we had together, changed me alot.
Therefor he is special to me no matter what other people says.

One single meaning changed my whole point of view.
Or the whole perspective of everything.
When that thought hitted my mind, I asked myself:
"Why haven't I thought about this before?"
It was so simple. And it felt right.
It was true. Or at least it feels like it.

Everything became clear to me in a second.
All my feelings changed.


And I was in a "Aha, of course" moment.
Lucky me who reacted that way, otherwise I would have been sad.
But I'm happy!

I am happy to love myself, and I am happy to love someone else.
I am also happy that I can feel this sort of love.
You can feel love in so many different ways.
Because there is LOVE, and there is LOVE!
(You know the different)

I am not IN love, I just LOVE!
Of course I would love to be in love with someone.
Love is powerful and it's everything we need.
And from now - I will love forever!

But I think I got my answer ....


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Another thing that made me happy yesterday was this:

"I am so happy that I like you so much, because I really do.
Lee, you are for real.
You are unique and honest. You are not a fake."

"I like to be around you, you are so special and I feel
so relaxed and can talk about most things with you.
You are a "real" friend."
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Sometimes I give and give and give without getting anything in return.
I don't expect anything in return because if I do or give someone else something,
I do it with love and compassion.

But sometimes... just sometimes...
It would be nice to feel that someone cares about me too.
People are just used to, that I'm there for everyone.
But who takes care of me?
When this happens, I love even more.
Sometimes I even cry when someone does it, because I get so thankful.

I am so greatful to have those friends I have today.
They mean more then anything in the world to me.
Sometimes I don't even have to hang out with them,
sometimes it's just ok to see their face and it can make my whole day!
Isn't that love? I think so!

My only problem is that all the people I love the most, have left me.
Or the oposite. Or at least many of them lately...

So. Friends. I love you all.

Miss Liberty turn inna Jezzabelle
All de dreams you go sell, de whole dem turn inna hell
Her bed of roses are filled with thorns
Her righteous robes are tattered and torn

If she had only stood for love
That would have been enough
She wouldn't have to hide her shame
If she had only stood for love
That would have been enough
But now she's burnt us all with her flames

Amerimacka
Oh what a beautiful life
Amerimacka
Is like licking honey off a knife

Amerimacka
Oh what a beautiful sight
Amerimacka
Oh what a beautiful life

The land of the free built on slavery
Our consciousness in captivity
The promised land is the liar's den
Your culture of greed has got to end

Now we're laying in the mud
Looking up above
Tear water just ah drop from the sky
They try to keep us in the mud
Separating us from love
But me nah go let dem conquer de I

Amerimacka
Oh what a beautiful life
Amerimacka
Is like licking honey off a knife

Amerimacka
Oh what a beautiful sight
Amerimacka
Oh what a beautiful life