Transformation
When you meet certain people,
they can have a very strong impact on you, but they can also disapair in a matter of a second and you might not ever see the person again.
This is what I heard from a serie on tv yesterday, and I quoted it.
It's true.
It happened to me many times!
I lived many years as a larva and after a long time, this larva transformed into a beautiful butterfly.
But I didn't realize it until I left and was away, by myself.
When I was free from a system that made me stay as a larva.
I was always hiding behind a mask of "how society wanted me to be".
That's how many Swedes are.
And you just aim to be better and better.
Well, that's good, but you need to satisfied as it is as well.
WITHOUT JUDGING!
Swedes are never satisfied, therefor they are never happy.
And those who are, I'm happy for.
Me, I'm pretty sick and tired of it all.
Also pretty tired of being just a pretty face with blond hair and blue eyes.
In other peoples eyes anyway.
Or just a "piece of ass".
Be pretty, wear nice clothes, dress up, wear makeup, high heels and don't forget to smile!
Hey, I got many jobs just because of that, so I'm not complaining but I'd prefer that people look at ME and not just the pretty face. (Or ass)
Today I prefer to be natural.
If people doesn't like me, too bad for them. Bye bye now!
"He" once told me that I was a princess. A good girl.
And he wasn't good enough for me.
I can agree on a good girl but princess...naaahh, not really.
He never knew that deep within my heart, I have always been a little hippie. It doesn't matter what I wear or how I look. It's what's inside the head that matters. But it looked like Cinderella was going out with Tarzan.
He just didn't know that behind what he saw with his eyes,
there actually was a Jane hiding.
Cinderella was just a cover for protection and it still is.
Except that Cinderella now have got a nicer body, more self-esteem, more tattoos, more hippie clothes and jeweleries and have been living in the jungle for a long time.
She is now home and she is
waiting for Tarzan.
But he is still lost,
hanging around in a tree or something.
Or bangolf some monkeys haha.
She goes back to being a Cinderella when she goes back to Sweden, she hides.
There she is not free, but she is there and she survives.
Just like so many others.
But inside of her, there is a wild animal that needs to be free and loose!
And do what ever makes her happy.
She is aware that we are all the same and we are all connected and that everything happens for a reason.
Jungle here I come!
None spiritual post
Hey friends...
First of all, this post will be in Swedish. I'm so lazy today.
(See, I'm already getting comfortable at home)
Jag tänkte skriva av mig lite av mina känslor i dag.
Enbart för att detta jag kommer till att skriva i dag faktiskt aldrig kommer ut annars.
Vissa har stöttat mig och varit där,
men jag kommer nog aldrig till att förstå vad som hände.
Den dagen vi pratar samma språk och det inte blir missförstånd,
den dagen, den sorgen.
Tills dess så lever jag vidare på det fina som en gång fanns.
Men jag kommer inte till att dölja mina känslor längre.
För jag HAR känslor, jag är människa, precis som du!
Jag har ignorerat dom länge, då jag verkligen försöker gå vidare.
För vidare går jag, varje dag.
Men varje gång han försvinner ut ur mitt liv så dyker han ändå upp på någon vänster.
Jag har alltid varit den starka, som går vidare utan problem.
De senaste veckorna har jag varit full proppad av hormoner
som har ställt till det för mig.
Och under mina hormoniga veckor så önskade jag bara att han var här.
Och när allting var över så grät jag.
Jag grät för att det skulle varit vi.
Det var ju vi som skulle gå igenom detta. Tillsammans.
På det sättet det ska gås igenom.
Inte på det här viset.
Vi har en kontakt som är alltid kommer till att finnas där.
En mental kontakt.
Vi kan ignorera det, vi kan förtränga det, men den finns.
Jag kan hata honom för allting han har gjort,
men jag hade även kunnat förlåta allting då jag faktiskt älskar honom.
Och det kommer jag nog alltid till att göra på någon konstig vänster.
Jag kommer givetvis aldrig att erkänna detta även om jag precis har gjort det.
Ända sedan februari/mars så har jag fått bra erfarenhet utav
både det ena och det andra av det motsatta könet.
Och det här med att lita på en latino är RED FLAG direkt.
Men...
Det var inte meningen att vi skulle träffas.
Det var inte meningen att jag skulle gå till baren den där kvällen.
Det var inte meningen att vi skulle ha så bra sex.
Det var inte meningen att vi skulle få känslor.
Det var inte meningen att du skulle se min själ och jag se din.
Det var inte meningen att allt skulle vara så jävla perfekt mellan oss.
Det var inte meningen att vi skulle synkroniseras och bli ett.
Det var inte meningen att vi skulle älska varandra.
Det var inte meningen att vi skulle bli så rädda för det vi kände.
Det var inte meningen att det skulle vara så intensivt.
Det var inte meningen att du skulle förstöra det när det var som bäst.
Det var inte meningen att våra känslor skulle förändras.
Det var inte meningen...
Eller, var allting meningen?
Ibland är själsfränder inte menade till att vara tillsammans,
eller så var det bara inte vår tid. ÄN.
Jag tror inte på att vi är klara med varandra.
Men det gör det lite lättare att inte ha honom i samma land
och att vi inte talar samma språk.
Men det här med känslor, när det enda du har är dina känslor att kommunicera med,
det gör någonting med dig som får dig att öppna upp dig.
Han kunde läsa mina tankar, och jag hans.
Och jag har sagt det förut och jag säger det igen.
KÄRLEK TALAR INGET SPRÅK.
Våra hjärtan talade, dom brann, allt var hett.
Men....så fort vi började prata och koppla in hjärnan,
det var då allting gick rent åt skogen.
Eller så var det bara alla fina spanska ord som viskades i mitt öra,
Sättet han tog på mig, eller när han tittade djupt in i mina blå ögon,
När han avgudade mig och inte kunde sluta ta på mig.
Vi smälte, tiden stannade och det var en känsla som inte går att beskriva.
Det var mer än kärlek.
Och nu går jag här hemma i Sverige,
och det enda jag tittar efter är någon som honom.
Som om det skulle gå att kompensera.
Men detta är sanningen.
Det har gått 5 månader och det är ingen som kan kompensera honom.
Jag kan gå vidare, ha meningslös sex med andra, dejta eller vad du vill kalla det,
men att hitta något liknande som vi hade, måste fan vara helt fenomenalt mind blowing.
Den dagen, den sorgen.
Until then, ska jag gå och bli nunna tror jag....
Ehm, eller inte...
"It's weird how a complete stranger can have such a strong impact on your life
and then disapair out of the blue and you might never see the person again".
Ego or self worth?
Being an alpha female is not always easy.
Taking care of yourself when no one else does, isn't easy either.
I've been talking about EGO a lot lately and that I've been
experiencing a lot of ego lately.
Of course there are many ways of being ego.
Just 2 days ago, I felt that the person in my presence was very selfish and ego.
I reflected it with myself and they say that when you see something in someone,
it's normally a reflection of yourself.
And I say, Yes it is. Always.
But don't you need to be a bit ego in this world?
Yes, but to a certain point...
So, where do you draw the line?
I think it's when there is no love,no compassion and no empathy.
But who am I to judge?
And who are you to judge me?
I don't know your story, and you don't know mine.
The only thing I can do in a situation like that is to take the feeling with me,
that I saw in the person, even if I don't like it and try to change MYSELF.
And I will TRY to not feel angry towards the person.
I know I have a ego, but I also have it because of a reason.
I can restrict myself with my feelings (sometimes).
Why do we humans do this?
Well... first of all, to save ourselves from getting hurt.
To be strong, to survive and to be able to keep going.
People always see me as a very strong young woman that walks my own way.
I don't go with the flow, I AM THE FLOW.
But how strong is the strongest, for real?
I love being around the same minded people.
Strong, smart and independent people.
But once you get to know these people,
you see that they are humans too.
They have feelings and emotions too.
(Well, some of them are good at not showing)
(This is a very good example of what I want to say with this blog post)
Most of the time, I soften after a while (depends on the situation)
And when I do, I many times end up hurted.
Same when it comes to traveling.
Traveling makes you harder, for sure.
In many many ways.
So, the only thing for me to do is to be self centered and take care of myself.
It's just easier that way.
That doesn't mean that I don't care about others, because I do.
Way too much.
But it comes to a certain point,
specially now when I'm "back in reality"
when you need to start to take responsibility again.
Just thinking about myself is like a protection I use.
I am aware of it and I'm working on it, to be less ego.
But at the same time, don't get too fucking close to me.
Like I said, being an alpha female is not always easy.
Or just being strong.
Me, myself doesn't like to show myself weak for someone that I don't know.
Specially not men.
It takes trust, friendship and love to see this part of me.
And men have this wicked view of a woman.
We cry, we complain, we do this, we do that... list is long.
(Yes men, seriously, I've been hanging out with dudes my whole life)
And the more psycho bitches they have been with,
the more fucked up view they have of a woman.
I've heard ALL their stories.
It's just the TRUTH, so please don't say anything else.
And we women are the same.
That's also truth.
No one is better than the other.
So what do I do in this situation?
I get cold, hard and bitchy when the only thing I need is love.
I don't want to talk (except with few people)
I know I'm not like other women.
But I still AM a woman.
I know I'm good, I know I've got a lot that other women hasn't.
And many men have dreams of having someone like me.
But it takes an alpha MALE to take care of an alpha female.
THAT is also true.
And from my experience, there are very few MEN out there.
I'm honest and I can say that I can be cold sometimes,
but I would never stop loving someone.
Doesn't matter what you have done.
To be honest, I have too much love inside of me.
Both for myself and towards others.
I love many people, different kind of love of course.
But... once you start to love yourself, you can love others.
If you start with that, everything will fall into place.
More love and less ego.
