A connection that never ends...

I'm going to tell you something from my heart.
I'm going to open up a little bit. 
If you are interested by my reading... please do!
This is mostly written to a special person in my life,
but my life is an open book and I do share it with who ever is interested in my life.
It's a story that never ends.
To be honest with everyone... 
Thailand is not the country I want to live in. 
I still have somthing there that it's not solved. 
What it is, I don't know. 
I do have my Yoga and to develop my massage is the next step.
Continue with the Tantra courses and learn more about it. 
And practice it of course... ;)
But I think there is something else. 
I'll just have to wait and see I guess.
Since I got there the first time in 2009,
I went through some stuff that I never done before.
This stuff made me stronger,
got more skin on my nose as we say in Swedish.
And I learned more about relationship and men.
It did fuck me up for a long time though...
But I'm healed again so don't worry ;)
First of all, I got my heart broken over and over and over again by the same person.
Or, it actually started already in Mexico with this person.
(Yes, you know who you are)
But for the first time in my entire life, I accepted it.
If it would have been at home, I would have said "Fuck off"
and never would have talked to the guy again.
For the record, I did that couple of times with this guy too.... 
Cuz, yes it was that bad.
But I realized much later, that when I accepted it....
It was what they call LOVE.
Because I was willing to fight for it. But he wasn't.
He was just ignoring it and trying to hurt me as much as he could so I could leave him,
cuz he didn't have the guts to do it himself.
Yes, I'm sorry.... This is my version and I am super honest about this.
I love myself for feeling all the love and accepting this, 
because if I didn't, I wouldn't have been where I am today.
(Everything happens for a reason)
To be honest, it was never really a "real" relationship. 
We both say it was, but... it was a lot back and forward,
never any concrete answers or trust.
No trust at all, and that made it even worse.
With other words, it was a very COMPLICATED relationship.
A negative circle, just feeding negative things all the time.
Everytime we left eachother, 
some fucking how we always found a way back to eachother. 
Even if we didn't wanted it. 
It's like the universe wanted us to be together.
Or my thoughts, needed to learn from eachother.
When we finally seperated in feb 2010, we HATED eachother.
(Or at least I did)
But mostly because it was a relationship I felt like I didn't exist in.
Trying to be friends didn't really work either.
I loved him. And I accepted that he did anything to me.
I guess that was the time when I learned how assholes treated their women.
But I still accepted it. And today I forgive him.
What I did, I did with love. 
I never regret that I met him because I learned a lot.
The only thing that is hard for me, was to accept that I treated MYSELF so bad.
I did things to myself that I didn't want to do.
Mostly because I was hurt, lost and I felt bad.
And I wasn't home in a secure place,
I was out traveling without any close friends or family.
But this brought me one step closer to TANTRA.
It took me over 3 years to deal with that shit.
Meanwhile, when I came home,
I had a lovely and beautiful boyfriend who treated me like the queen.
A real man. I think that was the second REAL MAN I've been with in my life.
The MAN before that was an old lover, who also have a special place in my heart.
But.... that didn't work out either...with any of them.
During this 3 years, some e-mails were sent back
and forward with months or even years inbetween.
I was still thinking about him from time to time,
wondering how his life was and where he was living etc.
When I finally decided to get back to Asia in january this year,
the first person I contacted was him. 
And... I don't know why. Seriously.
Something told me to. Universe.
I was stronger again and was so over us and what we had.
But since that day, he was back into my life.
And I always knew that it wasn't the end. 
We are not ment to be lovers. And we never were. 
He is a long lasting friend. He will always have a special place in my heart.
It's like a family member.... but more somehow.
Mostly because our connection is something I can't explain.
It's spiritual. I don't have words for it.
It's like we can read eachothers minds. We don't even have to talk.
I always thought it was just me who felt this spiritual thing between us,
but lately we talked about this and what kind of
weird things we've gone through together.
And finally, he agrees. That's all I needed to hear.
So, I'm not going nuts after all. 
And now it's even more than ever before.
We can text eachother at the same time, 
we can text the SAME THING at the same time,
we can think about eachother and either me or him contact the other.
We show up in eachothers dreams,
we listen to the same music at the same time etc.
And this is just couple of exemples. 
With other words, we have a strong ajna connection (third eye).
This is nothing I do on purpose, to try to connect - It just happens.
And he is not the only one it happens with either.
It's amazing.
And when we have met and been spending time together, it feels good.
I like spending time with him, cuz I can be myself and we have a lot of fun.
I have met him in previous lives, and it feels like I've known him for life times.
Which I propably have. And we are not done yet.
Far from. 
I will always love you. No matter what.
And I know that you know that! :)


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