Being Gods weird child

People say I’m weird here.

“She is weird but she has a very big heart.”

I hear it more and more often.

And in weird most of them mean a “good weird”.

Something they would like to find out more about.

There is something mystical they say.

Something they are interested in, but it kind of scares them at the same time.

Scared of the unknown change that might take place.

Might or might not.

And I feel this too, way too many times.

But I take risks. All the time.


I know this position.

I have been in their shoes.

I found people like this earlier in my life, couple of years ago.

People I looked up to at as my guides,

my Gurus, my inspiration and my motivation.

Those who I could talk to about my weirdness.

Those who listened to me, who believed in me.

I still find these people, but not as many as I did before.

I guess I am too selective the older I get.

And I am just not satisfied with "avarage" anymore.

I take a little knowledge from everyone I meet and I make my own path.

Life is a lesson.


They are there in your life for a reason.

And so am I.


 It took me a while but I got myself into that position.

With just human interactions, self help and a lot of spiritual work.

But it’s a big progress and it’s not easy.

It takes time, determination and practice.

Mostly self respect and honesty.

And you can never be fully learned or have enough of

knowledge because it’s a never ending story.

It’s one of the hardest things I have ever done.


To change.

To be willing to change.

To love myself so I would be able to love others.

Even I loose myself from time to time.

Then I just need to stop…. and breath.

Even if I can get crazy from time to time, it’s not in a bad way.

Or not my intention anyway.

I am still human like the rest of you.

What people doesn’t understand is that we are all the same.

We all have this “weird” knowledge inside of us.

You might just not know how to be able to get it out of you.

Because some of us are just not “there” yet.

Or it's the "unknown" that scares us.

Most of the time it’s because we have monkey minds.

And we like to listen to that monkey mind more than ourselves (spirits),

our hearts or our bodies.


"Drunken monkey swinging from branch to branch".

That's where we are. And the only thing we need to do is to calm the mind.

And HOW easy is that?? 


Yes, meditate... Not the easiest.


I will call this spirituality.

You can call it what ever you want.

I had it inside of me since I was a child.

We all do. But some have it more visable than others.

I was a child that belongs to the world according to mediums,

clairvoyants and other spiritual beings...

And I really believe so.

My heart is located at so many places in the world.


Some people have a stronger ability to do/see certain things.

I never believed in that bullshit up to the age of 20+ something….

My mother always bothered me in my teenage years.

But everyone believed she was crazy (and so did I) and I told her to cool down with the witchcrafts.

But deep within I knew there was something bigger out there.

Something bigger than my Mum was talking about

Walking a spiritual path is very hard when it comes down to family.

My Guru always says; Once you think that you are enlightened, go be with your family.

And you will see how enlightened you are.



I have never been able to take on the information my mother gave me.

She introduced me to certain things, but I walked my own path of discovery.

I can listen, but she is not one of my guides.

Therefore, I would most of the time never do it her way.

But I know for sure that I have been my Mothers idol for a while.

We change positions.

And I will always love her to death, no matter what.

Because at the age of 30 I realized that she is a "mum" after all...

And the only thing she needs is what everyone else needs too:



I knew that I had a purpose on this planet.

I knew what I felt and it was a though road,

but a road that I will be satisfied with in the end.

I still don’t know where I’m going to end up, I let Universe guide me.

But I know my purpose.

Slowly slowly, I became more connected to planet earth.

Questions I had for many years, I found answers to.

I feel. I hear. I understand.

But sometimes I get blind and sidetracked.

Walking a spiritual path, has many ups and downs.

It’s a karmic circle and we come back so certain things for a deeper understanding.

For the time to heal, let go and never stop loving no matter what.


Shallowness is irrelevant for me.

Connection is bigger.

Helping is stronger.

Being there for someone is what I am here for.

This is what I am here for.

I get it now. And I gain so much from it.

But it also hurts.

I think we call it Love.

There are so many different ways to love,

and doing it unconditionally is what I am aiming for.

But it's so hard.


It doesn’t matter if you smack me in the face after I have helped you up,

because I will always come in peace.

And if you decide to hate me after I have helped you, I will love you even more.

(Yes, I will be upset for a little while in the lack of respect)

I am human too, and I also have feelings.

But once you have helped them, you are finished.

It’s time to move on. And here is the hardest part:



But I also understand now that some people are not where I am today.

Some people are where I used to be in life.

I sound like I’m very old, but I’m not. (30 years old)

And some of the people I help, can sometimes be double my age.

I’m practically still a child when it comes to this path.

But I have it naturally inside of me, and it’s easy for me to connect to it.

It. I will call it energies. A tuning. A hum. Vibrations. A connection.

And the more I work on it, the more I connect.


But the more I get sad too.

The problem is the feelings of others.

Being an empath makes me sad many times.

Because I realize that the only thing we have in the end is Love.

My love right now is Unconditional.

My heart burst open that I don’t know what to do.

I try to hide it, to be normal.

But it’s hard for me.

I fall in love in everyone I meet a little bit.

It’s pure bliss but people cannot take this.


So I close.

But I still feel strongly.


And when you have a strong connection it’s even harder.

Every time.

But I learn from it every time, I have to let go.

My mission here on earth is healing.

I’m a helper, I’m a giver.

This is something I have to live with.

Being hurt is a part of the process.

I accept it even if I don’t like it.


But today I am being able to look at myself from a different perspective,

a different past, and I can see clearly how my path has changed.

And how it is changing all the time.

Where I once was, was long gone from where I am today.

I will not let myself get stuck again. 

Life is too short for that.

While some parts of my life I have to re-live to be able to move on.

Again and again.



This is the beauty of life.

This is why we need to wake up.

Nothing else is relevant right now, we need to open our eyes.

We need change.

We need help.


And we are all made of stardust.


When you are hungry for life, but the ego and fear takes over...

People always want so many things.

So we can numb ourselves and consume because of pleasure and satisfaction.

We always wish for something that we don’t have or we haven’t experienced.

We are consumers.

And we are hungry. For more.

We spend all our lives craving for more and we are never satisfied.

And there is nothing wrong with that, if you do it in a healthy way.

(And depending on the subject)


But most people are lost and have no idea of what they actually are looking for.

But I am glad that many people are starting to wake up.

Self practice, worth and respect.

We just know that we need changes in our lives.

But we need to “let go” and “move on” and all that shit to be able to move forward...


And once we get what we need, we don’t want it anymore.

Life goes on.

We all wish for a perfect life. A happy life.

And it can always be better.

We all create something in our perfect mind of how it would look like.

Then we get disappointed when it doesn’t turn out to be like that.

We want to happy, be crazy in love and being loved.

We want to have the perfect partner, the perfect job, and live happily ever after.


We want LOVE.

And this is all we need.

But yet, this is the hardest part.

The most scariest part.

Love makes us weak, vulnerable and sensitive.

And having the balance with your crazy monkey mind doesn't make it easier.

BUT, it also makes us open up ourselves, awakens the real you,

makes you shine, makes you happy and makes you go absolutely crazy!

Love doesn’t ask questions, Love just is.


But often when we feel it, we push it away because you might not be ready.

Fear of what is coming.

We need to suffer a little bit more.

So we close again.


There is a big, horrible idea out there in the world of romance:

That if it’s not hard, it’s not real.

True romance must be earned, we believe. Struggled for. Barely survived.

If it comes easy, it’s wrong. Shallow. Too simple.

We must suffer for love. We must cry with certain regularity.

Lose our faith time and time again only to barely regain it again.

I humbly submit that such a belief is the romantic equivalent of 100% grade-A bullshit.

I think a relationship should be easy. It should, but most of the time, it’s not.

It’s just the manner of being on the same level together.

Have faith and start loving yourself.


I have only have one answer to this:

Start with YOURSELF!


How are you ever going to be able to love when you can’t love yourself?

How are you going to find someone when you can’t find yourself?

How are you ever going to be happy together with someone else

if you cannot start being happy with yourself?

How are you ever going to be responsible when you cannot control your own actions?

It might sound easy and most people are aware of it, but it’s the truth.


Even I am doubting myself many times.

Being a therapist and healer, I learned a lot about human behavior.

My strongest passion is the human body, mind and spirit.

And human actions and interactions.

I’m an observer, but I cannot see myself.

It’s always easy to help others, but who helps you when you cannot see yourself?

What I’m getting to blind to see sometimes is what I am advising others to do,

I don’t do myself.

Am I a hypocrite? Or maybe just human?

I am aware of it anyway and at least I am working on it.

That’s step 1.  Awareness.


I can just talk about my own experiences.

For me to be able to see where I was and how to survive life,

it took me so far down into a deep black hole

that I almost wasn’t able to climb back up.

And to be honest, this is not the first time I have heard this story.

And if that’s what it takes for a person to realize, I hope we all survive.

I really do.


I did what most people do when they feel lonely, hurt, or rejected.

I putted myself in a “victim position”.

Feel sorry for me. My life sucks. Please.

Everything sucked, and instead of taking care of myself I drank so much alcohol in

the weekends that I barely cannot remember Friday or Saturday.

I took the easy way out.

Because we are comfortable that way.

We are used to certain things and that’s how it is.

And some things we want to forget, or suppress.


I took advantage of both men and the friends that I had,

without even thinking about it.

I was feeding my ego to feel a little better, just for a moment.

Until I said ENOUGH, this can’t be it.

There must be something more in life than this.


And I wanted a change. I needed a change.

But where do you start?

I started by accepting that I didn’t feel good with what I was doing.

But FEAR took over. Fear almost always takes over.

Our brain is programmed that way.

What might people think, what might people say?


But it’s ok to let down the guard.

It's really ok...

It’s ok to have feelings that are not always positive.

It's ok to feel sad.

The matter is that we DON’T want to be the one who does the dirty work.

We want someone else to do it for us.

It’s easier that way.


Then again….

Life is not easy, it takes effort and strength.

And NO ONE can change YOU.

You are the only one who can take the step.

You can be guided, inspired, motivated but it all comes down to you!!


But where do you start?

That’s the best question because there are so many people out there

that are aware of a shift or a change but don’t know where to start.

Start trying to break out of old repeating patterns.

Silence your mind and think twice before you open your mouth.

Try to connect with yourself.

Try to just STOP and listen to yourself.

You have the answer inside of you.

If you can’t, start writing down what you want to change,

and what you are not happy with,

then read it and try to do something about it.

If you still don’t know what to do, asking for help is ok.

Be vulnerable.


But then… When we start to feel a change coming, it gets challenging,

and who likes that? Fear takes over again.

It’s easy to fall into old patterns…

Break them.

Do something that you have never done before.



All we need...

When do you know?

When do you realize that the world is absolutely insane?

When you can see everything from a different perspective?

When you start to realize this, do you also realize that you have to live with it?

You have to accept that the world is crazy to be able to live in it,

before it kills you first.

When you are able to expand your mind and instead of comparing everything,

just accept and enjoy the crazy ride you are about to take.

Don’t worry, nothing is going to be ok.

Just continue what you are doing, but with awareness.

Universe is telling us something.

Universe is telling us to wake up.

But when do you know that you have been woken up?

I think that you just know.

When life is about connections, relations, contentment, happiness,

and most important of all... PRESENCE!!


I understand that people have to work to have a roof over their heads,

food on their tables and after they come home at night,

you feel exhausted and didn't enjoy anything of your day.

Not many people have been waking up yet, some just did and

some sadly enough never will.

It’s about evolution. It’s about change. It’s about experience.

It’s about challenges. It’s about strength.

Universe might drag you down in the deepest black hole,

but it’s only up to you to climb up.

As long as you come with a positive mind and try your best.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.

In the end, Universe will have a great plan for you.

You might not see it now, but it’s there – all planned out already.

Try to be present. Try to enjoy.

It took me a long time to wake up, and I am just

wondering what the hell is going to happen next.

I learned a lot from living in Thailand.

Yoga, mediation & silence brought me a lot of focus.

And silent retreats makes you being more aware of what is going on.

But being a quiet woman is not easy.

In our nature, it’s very necessary to speak 3 times more than a man.

And it can be very frustrating when you WANT to speak, but can't.


As I have been in a “relationship” before without speaking so much,

mostly because of the language barrier, it’s even harder.

And I’m doing it again for some reason.

I guess I just have to learn.

It’s absolutely beautiful to feel love and loved.

Absolutely beautiful for a short while, but this isn’t a movie.

This is real life and it doesn’t last for that long.

Because people have too many needs. And too much ego.

That is not love.

People confuse love with needs.

It’s a completely different energy to tune into.


We most of the time disconnect our hearts and start using our brains instead.

Our needs.

But what if ….

And what will people think?

And what will we do? How will this work out?

So many thoughts, and so little presence. 

What if you die tomorrow? 


But we are big, we are strong, we are independent,

but most of all – we are afraid.

Of one single thing.

The only thing we need to survive.


That is all we need and all we want in the end.

Because in the end, when we want things and need things,

But because of fear, we stay closed, we stay focused at work, we disconnect.


Don’t live in the past, and don’t plan the future too long ahead.

You will never be able to change your past, neither your future.

The only thing you can control is what you do TODAY!

It’s happening NOW.

Right in front of your eyes.

This is the hardest part.

We all live in different realities.


It doesn’t matter what you do, it’s up to you to create it and it’s up to you to live it.

My house, in the middle of the street.

Sitting in my new kitchen.

On the second floor.

Downstairs cars are driving.

Dogs are barking.

People are talking.

And somewhere around they are playing some latin music.

My kitchen is outside of the apartment.

It’s more of a bar and I have another table next to it.

It is fully furnished.

I have one room with a big bathroom.

My own laundry machine. (yay)

And my “living room” is literally the kitchen and the rest of the floor.

Next to me (a door from my kitchen) lives a older woman.

Americana with 2 dogs named Barkely (yes he barks) and Sasha.

She is half of the owner of the house.

Upstairs is a big roof top.

On one side you see the caribean view and the other side is over to Cancun.

Beautiful both of them.


Downstairs lives Milon (Smile-on)

He is the other half owner of the house.

He is an older man at the age of 79, old fisherman,

American with 1 dog named Margarita.

He reminds me of my grand father in a way.

He got a lot of stories to tell.

I need to sit down with him soon and listen to him.

He talks a lot.

He loved Swedes he said.

One of his ex girl friends back in the days was Swedish.

But, she is dead now.

And today he asked me if I wanted to join them for Christmas dinner.

And he asked me to make a Janssons frestelse.

(Swedish traditional Christmas food)

How can I say no to that?

I think I will adopt him as my new grand father.


I decorated my kitchen with nice cozy Christmas lights and re arranged a little bit.

I destroyed my white laundry today too.

Everything is brown, but laying in clorine over night.


Half of my stuff were stolen too.

I have been pissed about this today.

But I am also on my hormones so pissing me off is easy at the moment.


In all this, I open my bag and I remember that I got a gift from Sandra from earlier today.

A brownie from Café Rooster.

OMG. Can you get happier?


It was a tropical storm today.

Everything was flooded.

This happens all the time when it rains.

I went for Yoga at Pocna, directly after Yoga it started to rain.

I met Sandra for breakfast.

Since the rain didn’t stop, the breakfast became almost lunch.

And we found Christy on the way who gave us a ride home.

When I came home the internet didn’t work.

And haven’t ever since at all today but tomorrow they will fix it.

I’m actually enjoying it.

I’m drinking tea, listening to music, eating my chocolate brownie,

organizing my papers, studies, and I decorated the room and kitchen today.

Just missing one person here right now.

And not having internet feels kind of lonely.

I feels weird for me to miss someone like I do now.

But I like to miss someone and the feeling makes me happy.

Happier than I have been in the past year anyway.

I kind of lost hope when it came to good men,

and no matter what happens it feels better.

And I got my hope back.

Specially after couple of fails lately.


Unexpected connections from out of the blue,

in Sweden actually.

Someone who made a very strong influence on my way of thinking lately.

After traveling for a long time, it kind of thoughens you up a

little bit and you get used to people leaving all the time.

(Or you will leave)

I really enjoy being alone and I am used to it by now.

But when I met him, it totally gave me hope again that there are good men out there.

I’m very thankful for this connection. No matter where it leads.

Like I have said before, you meet everyone for a reason.

Now it’s just matter to find out why.


Diego have arrived to the island and his girlfriend will come to Isla for Christmas.

It's so nice to have a friend here, on my paradise island! :)

Over Christmas and New Year I hopefully get a nice visit.

I can only wish.

In January I will have friends coming over for the BPM festival in Playa Del Carmen.

I have already job offers coming in and I am over whelmed with compliments.

I’m laying very low at the moment since I’m on hormones and I am a bit sensitive.


No, I have to say that I am in love with my new place.

I am super satisfied.

Now I’m just waiting for someone to come over and join me.

Well, that's all for today.


It's time for some tea.


Life changes

People might wondering what the hell I’m doing with my life.

And to be honest, I have no idea myself except from that I’m following my intuition

and walking a path that many people might not be able to do.

Or they are not strong enough to take the step and actually do it.

Believe me, it’s hard but once you’ve done it, it’s freedom.


I’m on a spiritual journey and I’ve been trying to find a place in the world where

I can settle down and live a good life.

So far I have 2 beautiful islands that I can call homes.

And a third life in Sweden.


I am very thankful for everything that I have in my life and the experiences

that I’ve been going through for many years.

If I could recommend anything for anyone in this world, it would be : TRAVEL!


I walk my path alone and no one else can walk it for me.

Some people might take me as too spontaneous, but you have to risk a bit to live a little.

It would be nice to have someone by your side and walk the path together,

but we all have our missions in life and we can not force someone to stay by your side.

We meet everyone for a reason, that’s for sure.

To learn and to grow so we can become better human beings.

And after that, everything will fall into place.

Doing it together is strong, something I would call love.


Life is about learning.

The more you learn, the more you understand.

The more you understand, the more you realize that you don’t understand anything.

Sounds familiar?
GREAT, you are on the right track!!!


But continue to learn and in the end you will realize that you’ve

got everything you asked for, in one way or another.

But you need to open your eyes and see the signs.

And follow your intuition.


If it wasn’t because of this, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

But couple of years ago when I was the most miserable of all times,

something inside of me whispered; Never give up.

A change is going to come.

I met the right people at that time to support me and I had

this on mind all the time and look where it took me in the end.

The journey is far away from over but you just have to start

believe in yourself and that you can do it.


I’m alive, I’m stronger than I have ever been before and I learned by my mistakes.

Pieces of my puzzle are starting to fall into the right places and I didn’t have a clue myself.

Not sure if it comes with the age or the experience. Maybe both ;)

It’s been a roller coaster ride for sure, but I’m here and I still live a good healthy life.


I might not be the richest person on the planet but I learned many years ago

during a depression, that money isn’t everything.

I prefer to be happy.

Money makes me sad, but we still need it to survive.

(The world is crewl)


When you learn more about how to detach from things, you have learned a lot in life.

And when your plan crashes, you just need to have a backup plan.

If you don’t have one,

you might have to struggle for a while until you are back up on your feet again.

But don’t be greedy and don’t let things effect your ego.

Easier said than done.


The more you give, the more you get.


Not to yourself, and not to anyone else.


What I learned today is that I believe that the people that

have been hitting rock bottom once or twice,

are the ones waking up and realizing what’s important in life.

How we could be able to change ourselves, we can help others to change.

By just being there for them.

Just by doing our best.

And not by forcing anything on to anyone (that doesn't work, believe me)

We can’t walk the path for them, the person needs to be ready for a change.

We can only inspire to create a better place, a better world.


Be inspiring towards others, be supportive, do good.

But take no shit. Believe in Karma. Focus on yourself.

It will come back to you sooner or later and that’s just how Universe works.


A bit of my daily life, a little update then:

I had one lady coming to talk to me after yoga class and asking me if I was a Yoga teacher.

Yes, how do you know? 

It seems like you have a very focused mind she said.

She is correct when I'm in class, but oooh, boy...

she should know what's inside my head after the Yoga class ;)

I already got contacts for doing massages, I just need to go and buy a new massage table now.

I have barely been on the island for a week and I have been busy full time.

I am not allowed to be on the beach for couple of more days, but soon playa norte, very soon! :)

I'm trying to adjust again, to adapt to a different continent again.

Culture differences have changed my way of thinking a lot.

And the people that I've met lately have been a big inspiration for me, in both good and bad.


I detach, and the ones that wants to stay just have to follow.

I'm not a follower, I'm a leader.

There you have it.


Over and out for today.

More updates from Isla Mujeres will come soon! :)


Learn by your mistakes

If I'm going to write about yesterdays subject that came up
more than twice during the day and night, 
I think I will resumé it like this...
To learn by your mistakes.
No one is perfect, thats just how it is. 
We can only learn and get stronger and better from who we were yesterday.
But you need to learn how to see your mistakes coming before you make them.
Or create them.
Break old habits, and if something doesn't feel right, don't do it.
Or the opposite. But rather think twice!
Listen to yourself.
One thing I learned with the years is to be quiet.
Believe me, I can be super social. 
(I'm a woman, that's just our nature, we need to speak more than the men)
But I also learned how to observe.
And the more quiet I get, the more I see.
The more I understand.
And the more I feel.
And I have to tell you that silence can be beautiful.
Speaking without words is even more beautiful.
I appriciate those people I can be like this with.
They are very few of them but they are worth gold.
And I really appriciate them. A lot.
When I can feel completely relaxed and don't have to say a word
but we still understand each other.
I believe its more of speaking with the heart than the mind.
And one thing is ALWAYS right.
Music does connect us. 
I've been through it before and I believe that we all disconnect
our heart as soon as we open our mouth and the brain gets connected.
I'm still going through some old patterns, but I learn from it everyday.
I'm deleting all negative things around me.
But I always give people a second try even if it takes time.
I also see same patterns repeating with different people.
And I now choose wisely who to interact with and to be honest,
I've met so many nice people for the last few months when I've been home in Sweden.
And many of my old friends barely pick up the phone anymore.
It hurts my soul to be disconnected from some people, but I've learnt how to accept and let go.
And we meet so many wonderful people along the path we are walking.
And for sure there is always a reason why you meet certain people.
(I've said this 12234322 times before)
Yesterday I met a girl from Chile and the thing she wrote to me today made my day.
"Yes, it was a great experience to meet you too!!
You are such a inspirational soul that shows everyone that everything is possible!!!"
I give myself a pat on the back sometimes.
But I'm not letting it effect my ego.
When I know that I've done something good, I just feel good about it.
When people are honored to have met you and see you as an inspiration and wish that
they could do the same, live their lives as I do.
It means more than you think.
For me, I'm just trying to make a living and live a life abroad.
For me, my life is not different than yours.
I may have been traveling a lot, seen a lot and don't have any fear.
But that's the ONLY thing you need to get rid of.
Since I learnt how to be strong, independant and do my own thing,
I have become a big inspiration for many people I've met.
And I'm deeply deeply thankful and greatful for all this people.
Specially those who are a big support for ME.
I know I'm a strong woman and that I try to do my best in everything.
(That's the Swedish side of me)
But having people coming to you (or meeting) for some reason,
they find it easy to talk to me about anything and everything.
I love that they do that because the more they open up, the more I grow too.
Listening to stories, to see everything from another perspective.
(I seriously should study psychology)
I observe. I feel. I see.
I appriciate that a lot, but who is there for me? 
The strongest women are almost always the most fragile ones.
But I learnt how to live with being like this.
An empath as I call it.
And I accepted that one of my mission on this planet is to help people.
Therefore I do my best to help someone.
Even if it just comes to listening to someone.
But trying the best that I can, no matter who it is.
I deeply appriciate people coming to me for help.
I know myself how hard it can be to beg someone for help.
(Specially when you are a Swede)
Or actually knowing and seeing the problem and not knowing what to do about it.
I just get happy when people come to me.
It's a matter of trust and respect.
And this is something I appriciate.
I feel good.
But I still need to have my higher Gurus or some inspiration myself because who
do the strong women turn to when it comes to recharging their own batteries?
This year have been one of the most crazy ones in a long long long time.
And I think that it's not over yet.

So let's talk a little bit about TANTRA....

Tantra is a big subject that many people just reffer to sex.
Yes, it's sex but it's so much more than JUST sex.
I never mention to guys that I'm into tantra anymore. 
(Not for newly met guys anyway)
Because everytime I've done it,
it's just sex, sex, sex and in their mind it's something else.
If they haven't read about it or taking some course of some kind.
Many people confuse it with KAMA SUTRA.
Kama sutra is mostly different sex positions.
Tantra is more a spiritual connection and how to grow together.
To become one. 
To reach a deeper consiousness. 
Into the devine.
For some people it's about GOD.
I'm not so much into the whole GOD part,
I believe in something bigger than God. And always have been.
During my Tantra 1 & 2 workshop at Agama Yoga on Koh Phangan,
I learned the difference between sex and love.
It's 2 completely different things that people confuse one with the other many times.
I was an expert of this before.
And it is hard to seperate them sometimes.
Sometimes very hard.
I think that this was one of the things I liked the most.
I liked both workshops a lot.
And we learned much more (even how to deep throat a banana hahahaha)
And just to make things clear, there is NO SEX going on in the workshops.
This you have to do on your spare time in your rooms.
It is a Tantric community I lived in, and most of the people are very open to everything.
Even when it comes to sharing partners.
This is something that is hard for me.
I believe that you love everyone in different ways and some may touch your heart
in a different way than the other.
To be willing to share what you have with someone but including other partners,
it feels like my energy goes to waste to someone else. Maybe I'm wrong.
I have never been into the whole "sharing partner thing" and don't think I ever will.
But who knows in the future?
I believe that sharing your energy with many people is not so good.
Why not focus at one at the time?
And letting that grow instead?
I've been finding my own partners and only the first one was in the community.
But I left him to go to Mexico and never saw him again.
I have been in another mind blowing "relationship" that I can't even put down in words.
The most intense, but the most perfect I had.
But... he didn't know Tantra, but it was exactly what we had!
On all the levels. 
It was just too perfect that he didn't know how to handle it.
The most powerful thing I've experienced on those workshops is a TRANSFIGURATION.
So what is a transfiguration?
The picture ALMOST shows you.
You can do it with anyone you like, you don't have to have a partner.
But it's a good way to get to know the other person.
The focus is eye gazing.
You should sit in front of each other, cross legged or how ever you feel comfortable.
Look your partner (or who ever you are doing it with) deep into their eyes.
You will look at this person as a goddess or god and see the beauty of him/her.
And love the person no matter what, just give and just feel.
To get a good connection, you should hold your hands in a special way as well.
And don't loose your eye contact.
They say that the gate to reach the soul is through the eyes.
And I have to say that it's something magical with this.
We did it in the workshops and I was totally blown away by the guys.
Some men I got scared of, some felt creepy, some wanted to fuck me,
some really felt strong, some loving and some men were absolutely beautiful
and really touched my heart. 
People I've never met before, never said a word to.
I have even started crying while doing this to certain people.
I will never forget one man, his eyes and characteristics were exactly like my grand fathers.
He gave me a big smile and I couldn't hold my tears in.
It was him to me.
Then we moved on to the next person and I never saw the man ever again.
Back to the subject:
You should not talk and you should at least try not to giggle or laugh.
It's hard for many people because it can get you into a very "awekward" situation sometimes.
Sometimes in this moments when you feel completely naked.
And you can be naked while you do it too, but I was reffering to the soul.
You are showing the true you and it's absolutely beautiful.
I believe that it's just the matter of how much you desire the other person.
How a look can change everything.
Build up an energy, a tension between two souls.
To feel a spark or a light in the other person and within yourself.
And keep it alive and not letting it die.
It's pretty easy to let it die after couple of years of a relationship.
I have tips for that too! ;)
And you help each other to open up and grow together (if both are willing to)
Male and female energy.
Yin & Yang. 
Sun & Moon.
Plus & Minus.
When it comes to the man, here is the fun part for them.
And the main thing for them is not to come.
No load. No sperm. No cum. Save it mister!
It's hard and it takes a lot of practice, but I believe that it can work.
I KNOW it works.
And it doens't mean that you should STOP having sex.
Yes you can do this to, to save the energy.
But then you are not doing Tantra, that is celibacy.
And how fun is that??
For sure you have to take breaks many times,
You have to work together on this.
It doesn't happen over a night.
There are specific breathing excercises for this, doing headstand and other things.
First time I experienced this, I didn't know how to react.
It was something new and it's still new to me. 
I'm far away from the advance teachers on the school.
But for sure it helps even if it feels like you are going
back to the unexperienced "sexy time" in the beginning.
And when this is complete, you have a desire for your lover,
you are automatically more passionate,
loving and you automatically build up a sexual feeling.
And you just want more and more and more! 
How great is that!?
In my own experience I take it very slow if the man is not experienced.
It's new and it can be very intense for some people.
I realized that I am already a person who can be pretty intense
and in these situations it can get too powerful for some people.
And we all have different energies so with some people
it won't even come up as a subject to talk about.
"Just weird hippie talk".
But if you actually can manage to have a GOOD relationship
AND GOOD SEX with the help of TANTRA,
WHY wouldn't you want to go for that?
To learn how to evolve, grow and have multiple
orgasms and lovely pleasures at the same time?
Of course everyone is different and like different things but,
then I just have to add: TALK. Communicate. 
If not with words, with body language.
Look behind her/him and look within.
There are also many rituals and prayers for love making in Tantra.
Before and after.
But to be honest, this is not my cup of tea.
Or maybe I'm not just there yet.
So I won't go into that some more.
If you are interested in knowing more about TANTRA,
Please watch this 7 min video of Swami Vivekananda Saraswati, 
who is ONE of my Gurus.
 Much love and sex to everyone!

This is not even the beginning.

If there is any woman who is good when it comes to games, it's me.
Not because I like to play them, but I know many of the rules.
I stayed away from them many times,
but I also learned my lessons myself and won't go down a rabbit hole again of mistakes.
Even if I think I already am somehow.
I grew up with brothers and with male friends mostly.
That's why I'm not a girly girl.
And therefore I also learned to look for the warning signs when it comes to some people.
Some people just have the glow of "Trouble" while others have the glow of an angel.
I've been thinking about this and how everything is just actually a mirror.
(Everything is always a fucking mirror)
And yes, I know. I have those 2 sides too.
But the question is, how do the men look at me?
It would be interesting to know. 
Most people ALWAYS get the first picture of me totally wrong.
Many people have admitted. 
Most of the times it's easy to tell on the person, but I always go with the "gut feeling".
I've been blown away by many of them who showed me the exact opposite.
Both good and bad. But I learned that we all  do have 2 sides.
Me too. And I get it.
You might want to impress someone or actually just show your good side.
I have to say that I'm a SUCKER for smart guys.
And spiritual. 
But, since they are so smart, it's even more dangerous.
Some people might see me as a very good person
that does the right thing and have things under control.
I like to have control of what I do, that's true.
But nothing is under control actually.
I'm spontanious, I got my shit straight but I'm led by the Universe.
I know my path.
And everything that happens, happens for a reason.
Sometimes it's just very nice to let go.
I'm not perfect either. I'm not an angel.
But I'm pretty much an observer.
I have a easy way of reading people.
To feel what they feel.
I'm good with empathy and those who most of the time show
this tough side are the ones who actually needs the most love.
I never extragerate, I am just myself and that's enough.
I can be too much anyway! :P
Many people say that I just got a lot of everything and I create an intense energy they weren't preparied to. 
Maybe something they have never felt before or letting them find a new side of themselves.
They feel good about themselves with me, while some can feel that I'm too good for them.
Look - We're all the same!
You are just as good as me. And vice versa.
Some people are harder to read than others and that's mostly just a challenge for me.
That's why it gets interesting. A little mission.
But I still don't like games and I like to stay outside of them.
I want respect and honesty. (There it comes again)
Specially as a woman. Men here don't show so much respect to the women.
Or, they think that we are stupid. Oh boy, you are so wrong!
But please continue to convincing your self that ;)
My plan is just to plant a little seed of positivity in them. (The ones who needs it)
And believe me, there are more people out there who needs it more than you ever thought!
And for some reason many guys come to me for advice, just talk, hang out etc.
And it's pretty obvious if they want more or not.
They like my "buena vibra". And I can't blame them! ;)
I have many guy friends out there,
but I haven't touched anyone in a long time. Too long.
So for those who think I get laid every weekend, the answer is NO!
One thing that have been bugging me since january this year have been language barriers.
It's going to be a change of that now.
It took 6 months to get things straight over here but I'm finally ready.
I started practicing every day already, but only with Duolingo so far.
I start my studies end of November.
I have started to hanging out with couple of latino guys (who knew!)
The one introduce me to the other, while they introduce me to another one.
And of course this god damn small town, all of them know eachother.
(Stay close, but not too close, reminder to myself)
And so it goes. And all of a sudden I hang out with all of them. 
And I learn and observe. I know how it works.
I knew from before, but having latino friends in Malmö is different.
2 complete different cultures.
And even here it's difficult.
Not as much as I went through already but it can only get easier from here.
And they all want you to speak spanish to them.
Of course. 
I understand that too.
Of course they all want one who speaks their mother tounge.
(I can't say the same)
Me, the lazy one feels pretty good with English when I know I can make myself
heard and understood in that language.
The only problem is with the ones who doesn't really speak English.
Who are just as lazy as myself.
But at least I try my best.
And I HAVE too try, learn, google translate and write to get it to stick in my airy minded head.
But, it's harder to speak and it has been hard many times. 
Specially when you mix the sentences up and you believe that something
means one thing but it means the complete opposite.
Got to love life sometimes.
That's all from me today.
But you and me, we are far away from finished with each other.
I told you to be patient, that was all.
Love takes time. 

Steps to developing intuition!

I was going through my books and papers, but mostly notes from traveling.
I found my book from 2009-2010 from South East Asia.
I was scanning through the book who is filled with recepiece, numbers, notes, destinations, quotes, letters, astrology and wise words.
I stoped for a minute and found this old one.
I don't know where I got it from but I wrote it down in my book.
And to be honest, I can't believe that these words actually came from myself.
I don't think I understood what I wrote completely back then, but now I really understand.
Here it comes.
Steps to developing your intuition.
1. Believe that the intuition is real. Labratory test have demostrated that scientists
can not replicate experiments that have been successfully conducted by scientists who do.
2. Realize that the humans spend a lot of time in denial.
We don't recognize the truth because it may be too painful or might force us to change our beliefs.
So, before you dissmiss new information ask yourself if you have evidence to back up your denial.
3. Undestand that the truth cannot hurt you. It may ruin your day,
but in the long term it will set you free,
4.Ask for guidance and be open minded. "Ask and it will be given".
5. Entertain your mind through meditation,
Your mind consists of layers. You must align them so that the information can flow from the deepest up to conscious awareness,
6. We all hear inner voices that can be compared to old tapes.
These are parents of former teachers, "You should do this, you shouldn't do that".
Go past them to the voice of intuition.
This has serenity, a peacefulness that never tries to manipulate.
Learn how to recognize the difference. 
7. Finally when insights come, look for consistacy.
Do they meet the factors or fly in the face of them?
Look closely and be honest with yourself.
So, here's a little bit you should do. 
Much love to you all.

It's getting cooold

I'm getting closer and closer to my goal. 
My only problem is that I have a hard time to wait with certain stuff.
I want stuff to happen right away.
Yes, I know. Patient!
But one thing that really slows me down is that I'm freezing.
Litterally freezing my ass off over here in Sweden.
For many many years I've been struggeling
with this when it comes to the winter time in Sweden.
My body just don't want to work with me as I want to.
Just as I'm writing this, my fingers are cold,
my nose is cold and I have dune shoes on together with socks,
and my feet are like ice cubes.
My body is just not made to be living in this climate.
I'm an air sign, I can't stand the cold wind,
this makes me unbalanced.
I think I just need more love or more hugs so I feel warm.
It's been too little of that lately.
But it has been pretty nice to spend time with myself too.
Since I just had problem on the guy front this year.
Except with one, who I really enjoyed my time with but everything comes to an end.
And staying in different countries is hard sometimes.
I'm used to it by now.
Many of my friends thinks that I'm silly because I freeze so much, 
but they have no idea how my muscles cramp, I get tensed and I can't relax.
Or, I need to move my big ass some more and get my circulation going.
But how easy is that when I don't want to leave my bed or take away the blanket?
I look outside the window and it has been raining for the last 2 weeks.
Almost every day. I get sad.
I turn into a child and I don't want to go out.
But I get restless and I'm almost starting to climb on the walls.
The thing is that I HATE clothes.
I'm one of them woman that wants to run around naked.
To feel free.
And putting on one, two, tree sweathers, 2 pants,
gloves, socks, hat.... the list is long....
I'm an island girl, LESS IS MORE!
I want to feel connected.
Feeling the sun, the wind and the water.
I want all the elements to be alive so I can recharge.
But sometimes it's really nice with a little cold... just a little.
I haven't enjoyed a fall (not even winter) in a long time.
And I hope that I won't in a long time either.
But sometimes you miss it-
To spend time in your house, 
listening to some good music, have some candles, incents,
drink a hot cup of tea or chocolate,
buckle up on the couch, grab a blanket, watch a movie and just relax!
And preferably with some good company. 
And let's not talk about giving massages.
I love giving massages to my clients when it's cold outside,
relaxing, warm and nice in my apartment.
It also gives ME energy.
When I'm not able to go outside.
I miss the nature.
I'm a nature girl.
There is no nature here.
Just grey and a lot of buildings and traffic.
City. Even if I grew up being a city girl, I have never been one.
I miss the jungle. 
I miss the Thailand jungle.
But, my home is calling me.
This is not my home.
It's just a stop over, a base. 
My BATCAVE. This is my hideout.
Where I land and rest until I continue my path.
My home is in Mexico.
I can tell everyone that I used to live there.
Not in this life (even if I've been there 3 times)
And my spiritual connection is strong there.
So, what do I do?
I was aiming to get back to Mexico in November.
I manifested it and yesterday I booked my ticket.
First to London where I'll be spending 2 days with some friends and then continue to Mexico.
I'll be spending some time there for couple of months and study Spanish full time,
8 hour a day from a school in Sweden.
It's going to be a challenge to dicipline myself.
It's not going to be just Playa Playa Playa.
But I made a schedule for myself already.
First thing in the morning will be Yoga.
If I don't dicipline myself and do it myself, it will be at Poc-Na. 
Oh, how I missed that place.
After that it will be a breakfast,
the beach and around lunch time it will be studies.
I even signed up to be a dog sitter.
I think this is a very good thing for me, since I love dogs and I want my own.
I also think I'm going to end up with adopting one.
(I just feel this is going to happen)
I was a dog sitter for 4 dogs in Thailand the last time I was there,
and that was piece of cake!
(except from that one ran away, but she was found)
so what would the problem be now?
Nemas problemas! 
A good company while studying.
His name is Buggy.
And I will live with my beautiful Mexicana hermana (sister) Maribel to start with.
Then I get my own place so I can study in peace.
Oh, how I miss all my friends over there.
And from Thailand.
I appriciate life so much, and everyone I meet.
Just please, take me home to Mexico now! :)
I can't waaaait any longer....
Love Love Love
And Peace


Just reflecting of what have been happening in my life for the last year,
and boy I have a lot of stories in my bag.
Instant connections, old connections, new connections, lost connections.
In different locations around the world.
It feels like my life have been on full speed for the last year.
In every way and all kinds of crazy turns and directions.
Makes me feel lost sometimes.
Not lost in my mind but confused when enter a new location.
It takes a long time for me to re adjust, everytime.
Not just mind, but body too.
Mostly get a cold, migrains, etc. 
But I can be on one of the other places instantly in my mind.
So I live in my own little dream world.
My happy land.
When I escape life for a while, it's when I listen to music.
I listen to a lot of music.
I created this.
My life.
I choosed all this.
It took a while and I still haven't reached a final destination.
I don't think I ever will.
But hey, look where I am.
Look how I climbed, how it changed me.
I am in Sweden, but I have 2 beautiful islands that I can call HOMES.
Both, on different sides of the world.
Amazing places, amazing people.
Yeah, some drama here and there but this is something you can never escape.
I attracted it to be like this. 
I manifested it.
I'm happy and so greatful for my life and what I've been experienced so far. 
I've done a lot.
I've seen a lot.
Not everything, but more than I ever thought I'll see.
Many sides of the crazy world we live in, 
many sides of myself
Many crazy people from all over the place too.
But what I have experienced is that in the end,
we all win on being honest and respectful towards eachother.
My manifestations are always very strong.
I learned my lesson about being causius about it.
And being clear and specific WHEN you want something.
It's been "not the right timing" for me many times in life.
I hope I learned my lesson by now ;)
But I'm still learning and still growing.
You have to take risks in life.
Many risks.
Not too many.
Still use your brain.
That's how you know you are living.
That is life.
Listen to yourself for once.
I have always been one of those who "thinks with my heart".
Some people "think with their mind".
I saw a spiritual documentairy the other day that explained more precise
that what we need to do is to combine the heart with the mind
and the mind with the heart to work as it suppose to do.
It takes practise. 
And can I be a real yoga teacher now and say that it's mostly just about awareness.
Being aware of everything you do.
Every step you take, where you put your focus, how you are breathing etc.
Try to think about these small things when you are walking or doing something.
Just listen to yourself.
That's all for me tonight.
Peace and love

Some thoughts about Schweeeeden

It's going to be in Swedish, sorry folks.
But when it comes to putting down thoughts into actual words,
it's always better in your own language.
Det här med att komma tillbaka till Sverige igen och igen och igen.
Här måste vi klä oss på ett speciellt sätt så att vi får jobb
och så att folk inte kollar snett på dig och börjar anta saker.
Så att vi kan bli accepterade att vi är som alla andra.
Att gå emot normen är dåligt här. 
Ja då är man konstig, knarkar eller har något annat problem.
Ja, det är så samhället ser på det och det är så vi blivit hjärntvättade med att det är.
För om vi är udda, ja då är man lite "konstig".
Tom. det här med att ha dreadlocks, tattueringar etc blir nästan lite "smutsigt".
Det gör ont i min själ när jag träffar underbara och "udda" människor.
Oftast är det dom som har varit med om ett eller annat i livet och faktiskt
har enorm erfarenhet, de största hjärtanen jag stött på och uppskattar små saker.
De små saker som faktiskt blir till det största: KÄRLEK!
Jag har varit en utav dom människorna som varit blinda.
Blind och försökt skapa en värld av materialism, alkohol, låtsas vänner, tråkiga jobb osv.
Allt för att glömma en grå och tråkig vardag och
det var ett bevis på någon som var väldigt trött på sitt liv.
MEN, jag blev en av dom som blev trött på att vara trött på livet
och valde att sätta stopp för det!
En av dom som TRODDE och tyckte för mycket utan att veta någonting.
Men jag antar att folk börjar VAKNA UPP nu.
Hur lång tid det än tar för folk, så är det aldrig för sent.
Jag är bara barnet själv som mina äldre vänner säger,
men mentalt kan jag ha gått igenom mer än vad mina 40-50 åriga vänner har gjort.
En gammal själ som vandrar omkring för att finna frid.
(Tänk på detta innan ni dömmer någon som är yngre eller äldre)
Men jag måste säga att jag vet mer nu än jag gjorde förr.
Ja, det säger väl sig själv ju äldre man blir.
Mer eller mindre, beror på hur du använder din hjärna.
Om du använder den alls!!!
Men förr, då var jag blind och skapade en värld som till slut blev ett svart hål för mig själv.
Men jag vet hur det är att vara en utav dom och jag vet hur det funkar i detta samhälle.
Det är en anledning till att jag flyttade.
Jag vill inte vara en del utav det här.
Misstolka mig inte nu snälla, vi är på väg till bättre tider hoppas jag på.
Jag har gått i från depression och negativitet till lycka och positivitet.
Jag har erfarenhet utav båda delarna och har nu hittat en balans.
För det är väl det, det handlar om? :)
Det är bara en konst att hitta den utan att gå helt vilse.
Jag har blivit inspirerad, motiverad och pushad till många gränser.
Det har inte varit lätt alltid, jag har ifrågasatt mig själv många gånger också.
Men jag är oerhört tacksam för alla som funnits där.
Och de som fortfarande finns där.
Jag har hittat guld korn i mitt (snart) 30 åriga liv som har fått mig att öppna ögonen.
Både till det bättre och till det sämre.
Man måste kunna se båda sidorna för att veta vilken väg man ska gå.
Och bara DU vet vägen.
Som sagt, har jag igenom många många år försökt ställa mig in i samhället.
Vara en som alla andra. 
Hitta mig en personlighet och se så söt ut som möjligt.
Ja, jag har fått många jobb pga mitt utseende.
(Det är ett helt annat samtals ämne)
Ja, nu är jag ju blond och blåögd så det är väl en fördel för mig att vara Svensk.
Men att vara Svensk i Sverige är inget speciellt förutom när det kommer till jobb typ.
Men vi är väldigt eftertraktade i många andra länder.
Även när det kommer till jobb. ;)
Som sagt, ett annat ämne.
Vi ska inte gå in på det här med politik, invandring och rasism.
Jag har insett efter många år att jag är annorlunda.
Och jag känner många andra som är annorlunda,
udda, speciella, kalla det vad du vill.
Men vi bryr oss så mycket om vad alla andra tycker och tänker i det här landet att
vi inte ens tar en titt på vårt eget liv som vi lever. 
Det enda vi prioriterar är arbete (vilket är bra) men vi blir även utbrända.
Många hatar sitt jobb och har ångest på en söndag för att gå till arbetet en måndag.
Jag var likadan en gång i tiden.
Sedan sa jag STOPP för det med.
Nu gör jag bara det jag tycker spelar roll.
Vad jag brinner för, vad jag lever för och försöker inspirera och motivera andra.
Jag är inte gjord för att stå att sälja kaffe maskiner tex.
Men jobba hela ditt liv 9-17 varje dag,
gå i ett hamster hjul och glöm bort ditt så kallade liv det är ok.....
Det är vad folk vill att du ska göra.
Det finns folk som har det mycket värre.
Vi är ett bra land, vi kämpar hårt.
Jag älskar mitt land och älskar att vara svensk.
Men Svenskar ska vara så jävla duktiga alltid.
Allting är så jävla seriöst.
Och jag kan bli så jävla trött på det.
Det är lätt att vi glömmer bort att leva.
Vi glömmer bort oss själva.
Vi försöker passa in.
Vi försöker vara duktiga.
Vi försöker vara bättre.
Vi försöker vara bäst.
Sen påverkar det vårt ego. 
Då blir vi störst bäst och vackrast.
Sen undrar man vart fan man hittar balansen?
Jag har igeom många år fått lära mig hut, vett och ettickett,
vad som är rätt och fel och jag har alltid varit en riktig "good girl".
Pappas flicka.
Riktigt seriös och riktigt jävla duktig.
För duktig på många plan om jag får säga det själv.
Men jag har även varit väldigt rebellisk på samma gång.
Sedan började jag med Yoga och jag fick lära mig att "GE UPP".
To surrender. Att inte ta allt på fullt seriösaste allvaret.
Bara ge upp till allt.
Till andra. Till mig själv.
Bara släppa på allt och ta emot. 
Ta emot kärlek och att GE kärlek.
Att lära sig att ingenting annat är relevant.
Nu när det är gjort så är jag så sjukt mycket lyckligare.
Jag har inte mer saker i mitt liv, men jag är så sjukt mycket lyckligare i mig själv!
Och det är lättare att älska både sig själv och andra.
Och där lyckas jag automatiskt även att sprida inspiration och kärlek till andra.
Det är inte att jag är ignorant,
men jag VÄLJER att ta åt mig vissa saker mer än andra.
Här är lite tips:
Alkohol is a BIG NO NO!
Jag har slutat titta på TV sedan länge tillbaka.
Jag tittar på film och dokumentärer.
Börjat läsa mer.
Varken lyssnar eller läser något inom Media. 
Väldigt sällan i alla fall, bara det viktiga ;)
Politik är inte för mig. Punkt för det.
Älskar att dansa och lyssna på musik.
Naturen gör en hel.
Och att äta rätt och rena din kropp och knopp innifrån och ut är en stor faktor i det hela!
Tack för mig, over and out. 
För i dag :)

So, how is it to be back home?

Except from that I am still stuck in a "Thai mode" sabai sabai, everything is fine.
I'm happy, it's sunny outside and I'm looking forward to a autum in Sweden to be honest.
I bought myself a fluffy vest so now things are even better ;)
I catched a cold when I got home, of course.
This is one of the things I never get used to.
Aircondition on the plane.
Climate change. Delux.
Nose is blocked and I can barely breath, but I'm happy anyway.
Music in my ears all the time.
Re-living memories.
Eating blueberries at the moment, very yummy.
Living in my own apartment again. 
With Marcello.
Chistofer is here to visit and Magnus just arrived too.
We are back to being a good family again and everyone is welcome to visit again.
My apartment is starting to look like a real apartment again too.
And I love my house.
I love the family we have.
My Swedish brothers.
Thailand for one month was a blast, like always.
Better experience everytime I'm there. In many different ways.
After 2 years. I still find new places on the island. 
And this time was a lot of adventures.
I had good energies around me and a nice experience to be in the jungle instead of the beach.
Except from one of the dog that I took care of, ran away in the jungle.
But she came back and it was fine.
I'm a very lucky girl.
I'm glad that I also inspire my friends to come and visit or ask me of tips.
Sofie came to visit and we had 6 days together of intense exploring of the island.
And heavy dancing!
 And let's not talk about the Russian. Waawee.
Good times.
Now I'm home.
And glad to be home. I came to Koh Phangan to recover from shit at home.
But it ended up, me healing just after couple of days and then I had to recover
from Thailand now when I'm home in Sweden. :)

I Love my life sometimes.
And I make it work, I make it happen.
And so can you.
Wish for it. Work for it. Want it.
Don't say things you don't mean to say.
Ask for it.
But be careful with your words. And thoughts. 
Attract it. Get it. 
You can do it. 
Just take the step!


When you meet certain people, 
they can have a very strong impact on you, but they can also disapair in a matter of a second and you might not ever see the person again. 

This is what I heard from a serie on tv yesterday, and I quoted it.
It's true. 
It happened to me many times!

I lived many years as a larva and after a long time, this larva transformed into a beautiful butterfly. 
But I didn't realize it until I left and was away, by myself. 
When I was free from a system that made me stay as a larva. 
I was always hiding behind a mask of "how society wanted me to be". 
That's how many Swedes are. 
And you just aim to be better and better. 
Well, that's good, but you need to satisfied as it is as well.
Swedes are never satisfied, therefor they are never happy. 
And those who are, I'm happy for.

Me, I'm pretty sick and tired of it all. 
Also pretty tired of being just a pretty face with blond hair and blue eyes.
In other peoples eyes anyway.
Or just a "piece of ass".
Be pretty, wear nice clothes, dress up, wear makeup, high heels and don't forget to smile! 
Hey, I got many jobs just because of that, so I'm not complaining but I'd prefer that people look at ME and not just the pretty face. (Or ass)
Today I prefer to be natural.
If people doesn't like me, too bad for them. Bye bye now! 

"He" once told me that I was a princess. A good girl. 
And he wasn't good enough for me. 
I can agree on a good girl but princess...naaahh, not really.
He never knew that deep within my heart, I have always been a little hippie. It doesn't matter what I wear or how I look. It's what's inside the head that matters. But it looked like Cinderella was going out with Tarzan.
He just didn't know that behind what he saw with his eyes,
there actually was a Jane hiding. 

Cinderella was just a cover for protection and it still is.
Except that Cinderella now have got a nicer body, more self-esteem, more tattoos, more hippie clothes and jeweleries and have been living in the jungle for a long time. 
She is now home and she is 
waiting for Tarzan. 
But he is still lost, 
hanging around in a tree or something. 
Or bangolf some monkeys haha.
She goes back to being a Cinderella when she goes back to Sweden, she hides. 
There she is not free, but she is there and she survives. 
Just like so many others. 
But inside of her, there is a wild animal that needs to be free and loose!
And do what ever makes her happy.

She is aware that we are all the same and we are all connected and that everything happens for a reason. 

Jungle here I come! 

None spiritual post

Hey friends...
First of all, this post will be in Swedish. I'm so lazy today.
(See, I'm already getting comfortable at home)
Jag tänkte skriva av mig lite av mina känslor i dag.
Enbart för att detta jag kommer till att skriva i dag faktiskt aldrig kommer ut annars.
Vissa har stöttat mig och varit där,
men jag kommer nog aldrig till att förstå vad som hände.
Den dagen vi pratar samma språk och det inte blir missförstånd,
den dagen, den sorgen.
Tills dess så lever jag vidare på det fina som en gång fanns.
Men jag kommer inte till att dölja mina känslor längre.
För jag HAR känslor, jag är människa, precis som du!
Jag har ignorerat dom länge, då jag verkligen försöker gå vidare.
För vidare går jag, varje dag.
Men varje gång han försvinner ut ur mitt liv så dyker han ändå upp på någon vänster.
Jag har alltid varit den starka, som går vidare utan problem.
De senaste veckorna har jag varit full proppad av hormoner
som har ställt till det för mig.
Och under mina hormoniga veckor så önskade jag bara att han var här.
Och när allting var över så grät jag. 
Jag grät för att det skulle varit vi. 
Det var ju vi som skulle gå igenom detta. Tillsammans.
På det sättet det ska gås igenom.
Inte på det här viset. 
Vi har en kontakt som är alltid kommer till att finnas där.
En mental kontakt.
Vi kan ignorera det, vi kan förtränga det, men den finns.
Jag kan hata honom för allting han har gjort,
men jag hade även kunnat förlåta allting då jag faktiskt älskar honom.
Och det kommer jag nog alltid till att göra på någon konstig vänster.
Jag kommer givetvis aldrig att erkänna detta även om jag precis har gjort det.
Ända sedan februari/mars så har jag fått bra erfarenhet utav
både det ena och det andra av det motsatta könet.
Och det här med att lita på en latino är RED FLAG direkt.
Det var inte meningen att vi skulle träffas.
Det var inte meningen att jag skulle gå till baren den där kvällen.
Det var inte meningen att vi skulle ha så bra sex.
Det var inte meningen att vi skulle få känslor.
Det var inte meningen att du skulle se min själ och jag se din.
Det var inte meningen att allt skulle vara så jävla perfekt mellan oss. 
Det var inte meningen att vi skulle synkroniseras och bli ett.
Det var inte meningen att vi skulle älska varandra.
Det var inte meningen att vi skulle bli så rädda för det vi kände.
Det var inte meningen att det skulle vara så intensivt.
Det var inte meningen att du skulle förstöra det när det var som bäst.
Det var inte meningen att våra känslor skulle förändras.
Det var inte meningen...
Eller, var allting meningen?
Ibland är själsfränder inte menade till att vara tillsammans, 
eller så var det bara inte vår tid. ÄN.
Jag tror inte på att vi är klara med varandra.
Men det gör det lite lättare att inte ha honom i samma land
och att vi inte talar samma språk.
Men det här med känslor, när det enda du har är dina känslor att kommunicera med,
det gör någonting med dig som får dig att öppna upp dig.
Han kunde läsa mina tankar, och jag hans.
Och jag har sagt det förut och jag säger det igen.
Våra hjärtan talade, dom brann, allt var hett.
Men....så fort vi började prata och koppla in hjärnan,
det var då allting gick rent åt skogen.
Eller så var det bara alla fina spanska ord som viskades i mitt öra,
Sättet han tog på mig, eller när han tittade djupt in i mina blå ögon,
När han avgudade mig och inte kunde sluta ta på mig.
Vi smälte, tiden stannade och det var en känsla som inte går att beskriva.
Det var mer än kärlek. 
Och nu går jag här hemma i Sverige,
och det enda jag tittar efter är någon som honom.
Som om det skulle gå att kompensera.
Men detta är sanningen.
Det har gått 5 månader och det är ingen som kan kompensera honom.
Jag kan gå vidare, ha meningslös sex med andra, dejta eller vad du vill kalla det,
men att hitta något liknande som vi hade, måste fan vara helt fenomenalt mind blowing.
Den dagen, den sorgen.
Until then, ska jag gå och bli nunna tror jag....
Ehm, eller inte...
"It's weird how a complete stranger can have such a strong impact on your life
and then disapair out of the blue and you might never see the person again".

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Lee Persson

Lee Sophie Persson

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